Welcome to the Space Skype Room! The Normandy's had a few upgrades. We'll be allowed to look around later, but one of the new things the Alliance sprung for was a brand new Space Skype Room where Shepard can Space Skype with all her Alliance buddies. The holograms are blue, not full color like the last game because the Alliance didn't have the cash money I guess.
Can you imagine the lag on Space Skype in real life?
DID NO ONE ELSE NOTICE THIS?! The Prothean device, also known as the Crucible by the by, big as life is a huge pipe with a head on it. Make it look like a cannon or something, Bioware. Shit. Like, at least pretend that this isn't the horniest game ever published? Pretend that we're not going after the reapers with a giant dick?
Fine, whatever, let's just go to the Citadel.
... what. None of you saw the Mass Effect 3 Citadel and was like, "Hey, that's straight out of Xenosaga 3?" None of you? Man, and I can't even hate on Bioware for it, Mass Effect is pretty much horny Canadian Xenosaga. Oh no, there are two video game trilogies out there with robots and floating space stations where everything is blue and shiny and the people wear long tunics, whatever shall we do.
Not to mention (spoiler for Mass Effect 3, highlight it to read): they both have big tittied robot weapons running around.
Allen was my favorite character. Don't look at me like that.
Guess who's going to greet us on Fifth Jerusalem the Citadel!
Which we can do, or we can play around on the Citadel first. Let's play!
Okay, uh, we need to talk about some life decisions that Bioware made.
Children, once upon a time, there was a lady named Jessica Chobot who licked a PSP. This qualified her to work at IGN. Of course it did, why wouldn't it. So anyway, Bioware decided to honor her as a video game lady by sticking her in Mass Effect 3 as a reporter, Diana Allers. They tried to make Allers look like Chobot, but ... it ... they didn't try hard. In addition, they had Chobot voice Allers, but she can't ... she can't ... she can't act. Or read lines. I hope Jennifer Hale got roaring drunk before she heard Chobot read lines, I do.
The result was this weird shiny bug-eyed poorly acted character in the middle of a pretty good game.
Why? I don't know. There was some suggestion that Bioware was trying to buy a good review from IGN? If I was going to pick a video game lady for the role, I would have picked Aisha Tyler. Tell me that wouldn't have been hot shit.
Shepard can invite her on the ship, and she may lead to a potentially better ending, but really, in the long run, probably not.
Really, there's only one reason to invite her on the ship: if you're an asshole with a shitty MSPaint parody blog, and you see an easy target, by all means, invite her the fuck on.
No one likes Diana Allers. Literally no one. That means I get to be as mean to her as I want! We'll have good times, Allers, try not to piss me off too bad.
Hey, wasn't Ashley in the hospital? Let's go see what's going on in there.
Oh, rad! You all remember Dr. Michel from Mass Effect 1, right? She was in the second Homeworlds too. She's back! Good times.
You can actually choose which doctor goes on the Normandy, but, I mean, is it a choice?
Husbando~ took Michel once. He says she does nothing at all.
Anyway, you can visit Ashley, but it's not exciting.
I have a ton of images for next time, so we'll cut here.
NEXT TIME: I draw a lot of middle fingers again.
*raises hand meekly* I liked Allers.
ReplyDeleteI can see where people have complaints, but I didn't hate her as venomously as some people.
*returns to standing in lonely corner.*
EXPLAIN YERSELF AT ONCE
DeleteI actually had no problem with her. She's just another person who's there, I had no idea people had any special vehemence for her until I came back into the community after finishing 3 and saw all the people waving pitchforks.
DeleteOK, this is my favourite MSPixel entry by far! Chakwas entering stage left, Hackett (Sorry, Steven) and Liara's ~*~fwiendship~*~, Space Skype, the very idea of Aisha Tyler being in ME (That would be so rad, and apparently she's a fan of the series), the...questionable appearance of the Crucible and the beauty of Ms Allers. You did good. You did very, very good.
ReplyDeleteI actually had no idea who the hell Jessica Chabot was until I read this post just now. Consequently Diaba was confusing to me when I ran across her in the game. I could tell she was supposed to be an actual person (she's too weird looking not to be a half-assed effort by Bioware to render a live human being) but given how terrible she was, I couldn't figure out why Bioware would make the effort. I sort of thought she was someone's girlfriend or something. Like Casey Hudson's girlfriend always wanted to be an actress so he made his staff shoe-horn her into the game?
ReplyDelete