Mass Effect 1: Finale!

Remember how I said the Citadel looked like a big ass petal? Each of those petals is a big arm of the Citadel. So, the asari tasked with guarding the Council gets an idea: close the arms, and the reapers can't get in!

Really, that's pretty smart if you get right down to it!

And how does that work out for them?

Oh, okay, cool, or we could just seal Sovereign inside. That's also a strategy that works. I guess. Promotions all around.

What follows next is a long, long combat sequence, where Shepard and pals fight through like, I don't know, a million and a half geth. Finally they get to --

What? That scene? I'm leaving that scene out. I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't played.

No, hush up! It's one of the coolest scenes in Mass Effect 1! Right next to, you know, that other scene I wrote around in the last post. So don't say anything!

So anyway, they bust in the council chambers, and guess who?

Yup. So, Shepard and Saren have the standard Good Guy Bad Guy banter.

And then they fight. Saren takes one straight to the head, and falls through the Presidium's glass to an area below. Shepard sends her two squad mates to check and see if he's really dead.

Meanwhile, Shepard gets a toy!

Then, Joker calls.

Joker needs someone with an actual rank and, you know, control of the whole damn Citadel to make a decision. The ship the council is on, the Destiny Ascension, is in distress. Joker's sitting at the head of the Alliance fleet. He can swoop in and save them, but he'll lose Alliance ships in the process. What does he do?

I mean, I know the council are dicks and all, but I never figured that was enough reason to let them die. The Alliance will lose ships to Sovereign either way, so I always just go ahead and save the Destiny Ascension. You do what you want in your game. This option actually changes some shit around for ME2, so choose carefully!

Once Shepard regains control of the Citadel, she's able to open the arms back up and let the Alliance fleet in.

Shut up, I hate drawing space ships. Which, trolololol I know, why did I choose a sci-fi story to draw? You know I considered drawing Final Fantasy 13 instead? I fucking love Lightening.

Okay, ANYWAY, more people start demanding The Shep's time.

Huh. Well. That's new.

Sovereign found a use for Saren! Just like Saren said he would. Sovereign takes control of Saren's dead body and attempts to use it to kick your squadmates' ass, which, first of all, eww. Anyway, Shepard makes it down to the chamber to help out some.

Hey, remember how I told you to bring a biotic? That's for this fight. Biotics carve Saren.

As you fight Saren, you get little cut scenes indicating that Sovereign's shields are depleting. Finally, when you bust Saren down again, Sovereign's shields depelete totally, meaning that Joker can swoop in and do this:

Hell YES Joker gets the kill shot! Go Joker!

So yay, Sovereign's dead! Woo! And dead reaper parts are flying everywhere! Woo!

Wait --

Sovereign's leg crashes through the council chambers. The aftermath ... it's not pretty.

As such, the ending scenes of Mass Effect 1 begin.

Anderson and some soldiers are searching through the Citadel ruins when they come across Shepard's squadmates.

Hmm. That's an awfully short ending. It's pretty conclusive, though, I mean, it's not like --

I'm going to shut up before I spoil something.

Since the council chambers are toasted, the councilors ask to see Shepard in the Presidum Commons.

The game gives you a choice of Anderson or Udina. It really seriously doesn't matter who you choose, but ... why in the living hell would you choose Udina? Lock the Normandy down again, motherfucker, I dare you. Let's go with Anderson!

That's the end of Mass Effect 1. However, we still have two more games AND some novels AND some comics to go through. And, I have surprises! You'll want to see these surprises, trust me.

You know, I think I'll post a surprise in my next entry, actually. Sounds fun!

Did I forget anything?

NEXT TIME: Shepard does not get a promotion.

Virmire: Some Straight Bullshit

So, Joker's got Shepard on the horn, right?

You'd say the same thing, don't even lie.

Philosophical discussions with century old death machine bugs are nice, but there's a tac nuke to worry about, so Shep and Shadow team have to get moving. They hustle out to the bomb site, which is weirdly in the middle of a shallow pool of water? I don't know, I don't usually make tac nukes. Anyway, Ashley set us up the bomb.

There is not a moment of that I made up. The bomb looks like a lady bug, and Saren really does roll in on a magic space skateboard.

The first thing Shepard does is do that standard action hero thing where she empties a clip and a half into Saren with no results whatsoever. He deflects them using his biotics.

shepard honey just quit fucking shooting you might need those bullets one day

So, anyway, Shepard takes cover, and Saren does that standard action bad guy thing where he lays out his entire plan before her. See, the reapers are all going to fuck us in the ass, right? No, see, but it's cool, because Saren's going to help. He's useful. So that means they won't reap him. Right? Right guyse?

Failproof.

I went there! Bought the shirt!

So Saren's like, "Nuh uh, I asked Soveregin, and he said yes, and then he bought me ice cream, and we're totally boyfriend and reaperfriend right now it's true I doodled his name on my notebook," and Shepard's like, "You are too dumb to even argue with, get out of my face," and then the tac nuke's alarm goes off, and that's sort of a thing.

No, seriously, instead of running like hell, Saren decides to pick Shepard up and ... I don't know, play with her? Whatevs, Shep has a plan.

Saren becomes the first in a long list of bitches that Shep cold clocks in the face.

Shepard picks up Ashley for reasons I don't understand, and they high tail it out of there. I feel bad that I left Liara out of the cast photo I did back with Kirrahe, let's see if I can get everyone this time.

Shepard, Ashley, Liara, Garrus, Tali, Wrex, Kirrahe, Kaidan ... yup! That's all of them! Let's go!

So, anyway, you get a touching scene of Shepard looking out the window of the Normandy while boom goes the dynamite.

Afterwards, Liara gets awful interested in Shepard's head again. Did that Prothean beacon Shepard encountered on Virmire add anything to the vision Shepard had?

(Err, by the way, the vision? It's seriously not that important. They'll forget about it in the next two games. The images don't mean much -- Sovereign gave you more relevant information anyway. You can watch it here if you give two shits.)

But, Liara does love a good head fucking.

Liara is like, ooo, oh my, I still can't tell shit from it, and I'm like, well hell, I could have gotten you that far. But then Liara's all, ooo! Ilos! Let's go to Ilos, Saren's there!

I don't ... I guess red blurs mean Ilos.

Right after, Udina calls the Normandy, and he's all, "Good news! Come back to the Citadel! The Council's going to give you some reinforcements!"

NEXT TIME: To the Citadel! For reinforcements! Thanks, Udina!

Virmire: Sovereign

Were Mass Effect a film, or a book, or one of those art forms that was actually, you know, legit in some manner, this would be one of Those Scenes that Professor Bullshit of Fuckstone University would write his dissertation on and present it at The Convention Of Sexually Frustrated Academics to much great applause.

For this is where Shepard meets Saren's magical spaceship, Sovereign.

First off, we need to quit saying "magical spaceship". Sovereign is a reaper. Remember that thing Benezia was talking about in Sarenistotallyguilty100%.mp3? Taa daaaaa.

Reapers are giant space bugs. They're the big fucking spider things we saw all over Eden Prime. During this sequence, just so he can kind of scale down to Shepard, Sovereign appears in a hologram instead of in person. (You later learn that Sovereign is a baby reaper, and they make bigger reapers. Damn!)

This scene is significant because it's the only time in the three games where Shepard and the reapers really get to talk. ... enh, I mean, there's the one in ME2, but he doesn't ... you'll see. This is it for the reapers stepping up and explaining what they're all about, and the only time you'll ever get any direct quotes regarding reaper plans and motivations.

So what's the first thing this super significant space bug has to say to us?

You laugh, this sums up the reapers quite nicely.

So, legit, what does Sovereign say? Here, have a direct quote from the game: "We [the reapers] are eternal. The pinnacle of evolution and existence. Before us, you are nothing. Your extinction is inevitable. We are the end of everything."

I want you to promise me that you'll remember that come Mass Effect 3, because you'll need that piece of information. Sovereign just told you the reaper's Final Solution, most people just don't realize it because it's under some flowery bullshit.

But, uh, point being, the reapers? Are gonna kill us all dead. Specifically, they do it at the end of their cycles (Liara mentioned this), at "the apex of their glory," 'their' in this case being whatever organic life is chilling around in the galaxy. It used to be the Protheans, now it's the ... uh ... actually, they're after a couple of different races. Humans are on the list, though.

But, to be quite frank, the reapers give no shits, they'll reap everybody just because they forgot to get a mid-morning snack or whatever. NOT EVEN THE ELCOR ARE SAFE YOU GUYS.

The reapers made the Citadel. Oh, and the mass relays, too! They like leaving technology lying around so that organic life develops along the path that the reapers want. This ensures that organic life gets to the point in develop that the reapers need to reap.

"But Bean, what the hell is that point?" -- I love you, but you can never know. Until Mass Effect 3, anyway. But rest assured, the reapers have gotten us right where they want us. YAY.

So, there's another direct quote from Sovereign that always makes me snort:

Bah! No, but really. He goes on:

And here we come to the crux of what makes Commander Shepard tick.

See, you can make Shep a lot of things. Male, female, black, white, gay, straight, theist, atheiest, saint, dick, loves peanut butter, whatever. Anything! But there is one thing that runs common through every Shepard ever imagined by any player:

No reaper tells Shepard what to do and lives through it.

First of all, that's an exact quote. Yes, I died too when I heard it. Holla at, ME3, holla at.

Second: get used to Shepard Getting Mat At Reapers. It will happen only slightly less than the krogans having four balls thing.

You can watch the conversation here, if you want more than the highlight reel I laid out:

Anyway, Sovereign gets pissed and makes some windows explode while cutting off the conversation right as Joker calls.