Citadel: Always Use Protection

The Kocari Wilds: Master The Taint

So last time, we met Alistair, and then began tromping around the Kocari wilds, because Duncan said so.

What? Why are you looking at me like that? That's what happened last time, on March 27th, and this is what we're doing on today, this glorious April 1st.

AFter some dark spawn stabbin', we come across what we were looking for.

So all we have to do is grab it, and -- the hell?

Morrigan leads us to Mama Morrigan, but it's pretty uneventful.

Morrigan leads us out of the wilds, so we can go take the dark spawn blood to Duncan.

ha ha what

Naw, surely homeboy wouldn't purposely kill off his own recruits. Let's go to the joining ceremony.

What. You seriously didn't think that at all?

I mean, the guy has a name, but it may as well be Lieutenant Bioware Ser Bioware, because you'll never guess what happens to the fucker.

Duncan would a little bit remind me of Anderson if he weren't SUCH A COLOSSAL DICKWAD.

So anyway, down the hatch, or else we get knifed in the worst way I guess.

It goes as well as you think it does.

Once the warden passes out, she sees a vision of something awful, scaly, with big nasty horns on its head and inhuman eyes.

But, all good things have to come to an end.

(Happy April Fools day. If you need more MSPixel/Dragon Age in your life, check here and here.)

The Only One I Left Out Was Sonic Chronicles

When you left me last time, I had lost my mind and written Dragon Age/Mass Effect crossover fanfiction. Let us now come back to the Citadel and witness the hell I have unleashed upon the world.

Old joke.

Do you love my store doorway? You love it, quit lying.

I won't spoil it, but I went and read the ending to Dragon Age. Then I read it again, because I could not fucking believe what Morrigan suggested as a solution. I cursed the heavens for Bioware and their horny ass story telling, then went and told my husband, who cursed the heavens for Bioware and their horny ass story telling. I don't think the overall story of Dragon Age is quite as horny as Mass Effect, but when it tries to catch up to its Blue Lady Fucking Simulation cousin, it tries HARD. You know you can get a scene where your characters have a foursome for the hell of it?

You know? Let's run screaming back to Dark Star.

I promised I'd talk more about the Joining, didn't I? The short version is, this guy named Duncan hands you a cup of blood and you drink it. If you don't die, then you're a grey warden! But this is Mass Effect, no reason we can't just sub in ryncol.

that is supposed to be a closed fist i'm sorry i suck at paint

Let's catch up with Alistair.

The Citadel's reservoirs are mentioned in the game, but you never get to visit them. Thankfully, through the Magic of MSPixel, I can lovingly render them for you in glorious high definition.

This happens in Dragon Age.

This happens in Dragon Age. I need you to know this.

This is really truly a game mechanic in Dragon Age, you let your mabari piss on stuff. It raises his stats. Pee strengthens your mabari.

I apologize for the fact that you had to see a varren piss today.

Let's end this before I do something really awful.

There's one last staple of Bioware games that I left out. You surely didn't think I forgot, did you? It's the most important part!

Had I gotten far enough, I was so planning on doing Leliana. I'm almost sad I didn't, really.

NEXT TIME: Hey let's play The Old Republic Actual real Mass Effect.