The Name Of The Boat

Please allow Shepard to accurately summarize my feelings toward this section of Mass Effect 3:

Yo so the first time I saw this scene, I was like,

Because this shit can happen:

Because sex boat.

But good news, if you're doing the do with either of them, they thankfully just reminisce instead.

So hey, guess what activates if we go into Shepard's cabin!

I was wondering if I could make that shot work. I, uh, couldn't.

Granted, I can't make any shot work.

The nice thing about the Garrus sex scene is that Bioware didn't animate them having sex. The others ... sorry, those are two computer generated bodies of polygons rolling around. (Can you tell I don't play Bioware games for the love stories?)

Last time I went through and showed you what we didn't win, but here's the thing: all of these scenes are, uh, real damn similar. I love Mass Effect 3, but it needed more dev time. The sex scenes are one area where you can tell Bioware was rushed.

Still, here's our not-Garrus sex pals:

Liara plays with Shepard's helmet a bit.

Kaidan drinks. I frequently forget about Kaidan.

Traynor's is the best, but we'll have to revisit it. You'll see why.

Really, I could start subbing anyone in.

Wanna get weird?

Let's go.

Cronos Station: More Like Assault On MY EYES

I have bitched about this since ME1 and I don't even care:

Anyway, this damn thing has a plot and probably we should get to it.

A thousand years ago Miranda tracked Kai Leng to Cerberus' own Cronos Station for us, so let's go fuck that up.

That thing still looks just so much like a penis.

I totally 100% forgot that the sex scene happens here! I thought that it happened right before the last assault on Spoiler Planet! Stick Figure Me isn't lying, I literally just started the damn XBox up and bam, fucking. Mass Effect.

I feel like a bad story teller, because we totally just had two sex scenes in a row. Poor Shepard's going to be sore when she rolls up to Cronos Station.

... you know what, though? Let's do something else. Indulge me just a little bit. We'll get to the sex scene, I promise.

As much as I hate it, this happened. BioWare actually spared us from it, I was surprised.

Oh Boy! A New Character!

I am not going to make friends today. I can feel it in my boneseses.

I think I've been on this rant: is there seriously not another person on the ship that they could send in? If Shepard dies in a fire, that's, like, a thing. Do they legit not have a security officer?

... um okay so.

Hey everyone, EDI is a big titty robot now, because this, Mass Effect 3, Bioware's magnum opus, is the horniest game the world has ever known.

And here's the thing: big titties happen in nature. I get that. I do, truly. But EDI's titties are, like, inappropriately huge. This starts to give you an idea of what I mean. There's a line, damnit. I'm not sure where it is, but I don't think I'm being unreasonable when I say that EDI shat on that line and jet packed over it.

This is not a spoiler: there's a scene in the ending where Shepard and EDI are standing facing each other, and the camera pans out as they speak. Shepard's standing there looking like, you know, a human, while EDI looks like she's about to tip over. I wish I had a screen shot, truly I do.

I don't know, it's just a giant wad of, "Could we not?"

It's okay though, if nothing else, I bet we can trust Bioware to be respectful about having a bit titty robot in its game. Hey, EDI, why the hell do you have a big titty body now?

I wish I could tell you this is as bad as it's going to get.

(Hey, that means EDI is a squadmate now. Really truly! We can take her on missions and shit. EDI is the second squadmate that you can't ditch. I'm pretty sure that everyone else besides her and Liara can either die or be told off.)

Okay, fine, let's go see Jok --

HEY BIOWARE. COULD WE NOT?! COULD WE MAYBE NOT TAKE A HALF DECENT CHARACTER, GIVE HER HUGE TITS, AND THEN MAKE HER SPANK MATERIAL FOR ANOTHER CHARACTER? COULD WE NOT.

LIKE, SHE COULD HAVE HAD INTERESTS, OR FLAWS, OR ANYTHING OTHER THEN TITS SO HUGE THEY DEFINE HER CHARACTER AND HOW OTHERS INTERACT WITH HER.

BUT NO, KIDS, NO. CASEY HUDSON HAS HIS DICK IN HIS HAND, SO WE HAVE TO WATCH THIS BULLSHIT.

Maybe they'll cool it with --

Spoiler alert: I will be yelling for the rest of the game.

NEXT TIME: Probably, I'm still mad.