purr purr purr purr

And now, let us discuss Miranda.

I've cheated a bit, we had to go visit Miranda BEFORE the Geth Dreadnaught. Before you talk to her, however, you have to go space skype with Anderson.

He'll tell you about Kai Leng. We all know why he's so spooked by Kai Leng, ps.

Some people also report that Anderson will email you a dossier? I can't get the damn email to come up.

Point being, once all that happens, go space skype with Miranda at the spectre terminal.

If you did it all right, Miranda will say something about being ready.

Then go do the geth dreadnaught.

You get back from that, Miranda will email you again, so go meet her in her apartment:

... okay, you've got them, but only because you're totes the best squadmate.

Oh my GOD you're so lucky that warp and overload are that valuable.

Forgive her, though, trust me.

Let's visit someone else.

One of the nice thing about the Citadel dates is that you can lock in your romance guy. Meaning? Everyone else quits coming on to you! Let's go!

Garrus takes you to the top of the Citadel, even though it's illegal. I think he thinks he's being a ~bad boy?~ But Shepard's a spectre. If they get caught, she can just be all like, "Yo, spectre authority," and it won't matter. I don't know why this didn't come up in the writing room.

I had an internal debate with myself, and decided this: Garrus' scene is actually sort of nice. Syrupy as hell, but nice. I'm going to be super kind and not parody every single line from the scene, because if you haven't played it yet, I don't want you to get spoiled.

... except spend ten minutes on Tumblr and they'll quote every line to you, holy shit.

Trust me, whether or not you're getting some turian dick, miss the second shot when you get the chance. Bioware left an easter egg in there for you.

Some fangirls speculate that they banged right after this scene. Really? ... would you not hate to be the officer who walked in on that?

First time I played this, I made sure Husbando~ was out of the house, because I suspected this scene was going to be more or less girl porn. ... and you know, I was pretty much right, that is super girl porn.

... we don't have enough time in this entry to do the last Citadel date that I want to do, but I'd feel bad cutting you all off here, so let's do some quickies:

And because of the photorealism of MSPixel, I don't have to tell you who that is!

...

...

...

okay fine it's Kelly Chambers.

Liara digs up dog turds on public property.

Jack saw next week's entry.

Are You There, God? It's Me, Grunt.

(Do you not hate this? This happens to me all the time.)

That's not a horrific galaxy map, if I do say so myself.

By the way, that does happen in game, you do get penis enhancement emails. Why? Because this is the horniest game they make.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make it worse.

I apologize.

mspixel.jpg, right there.

OKAY, so THAT'S going on the Normandy decks?! Fuck. Who knows more about krogans than another krogan?

EDI, set a course for Tuchanka, we need to talk to Wrex. Wrex, fix our krogan!

Fuck. My. Life.

No, this is what's happening right now. This mission could have been anything. ANYTHING. Like, looking through old krogan ruins, or something to do with the unique flora and fauna of Tuchanka, or ... hell, I'm just pulling this shit out of my ass. If I were, I don't know, a professional writer that was getting paid for this shit, I could probably do better.

But nope. Nope. This is what we went with, because Bioware can't get their hands out of their pants, is that our little Gruntie Boo is growing up and getting hair in weird places and popping boners at inoppertune times. I always wondered if Jack had to lock herself in the bathroom during this sequence.

Do you remember a long while back when I said that there was a point when the writers said, "Fuck it, fuck everything, we're going full tilt horny, here we go, dicks out and hearts full!" Here it is. Right here, pop, from this point on, pretty much everything we're going to be seeing has some sort of sexual tint to it. Hell, it's mostly alien sex, because this is a sci fi story, and if you're not having sex with an alien, you're having sex with a -- well, y'all just wait, we'll do that one too.

Since it fits in with the theme, I'm going to repost a comment Care made on my Biowarian mess last post:

I don't know if Mass Effect is really hornier than Dragon Age... in DA you can have sex with your LI (repeatedly) every time you go back to camp. The cut scene only plays the first time, though.

Which, GDI, I did not know that.

Either way, there is only one correct reaction to all this horse shit.

NEXT TIME: I reconsider my life choices.

I should have MSPainted Ice Climbers. Ain't nothin' sexy about Nana and Popo.

I Left My Heart In Tuchanka

Before we go on today, we have another example of you all being smarter than me: knights-honour tells me that the krogan in the krogan anime on Hock's house is Nax, from Mass Effect Galaxy. I tried to get ahold of Galaxy for MSPixel, but it's down from the iTunes store! My disappointment is deep.

But Kelly tells me Mordin needs some attention. Yo, Mordin, what's up?

(Mordin apparently has been borrowing Kahlee Sanders' science kit.) I bet they both got the same degree in Science from Space University.

OKAY THEN?!

Fuck, Mordin, honey, we need to have a talk about secret keeping!

... uh, okay, so apparently we're going to IGNORE THAT temporarily and go look for Mordin's old student, Maelon. Maelon's being held on Tuchanka, the krogan homeworld.

When Shep and company arrive on Tuchanka:

So, sure, let's go see this leader guy.

Tuchanka is an entire planet of ruin. Remember, the krogan are all pissed off because their balls don't work (they have four balls), so they run around fighting each other. As a result, they've near torn up their entire planet.

Sometimes I wonder if you wall just look at my art and cry.

The krogan leader is up on a stone dais.

I'm not shitting either, that is TOTALLY Wrex! Don't even doubt it!

I love how people who have actually played the game are sitting there going, "Yes. Yes, this is 100% canon, this is what happened, rendered in stunning clarity.

In short, Wrex is the first krogan political scientist. He's probably the first krogan ever interested in something other than tearing up the planet. You'll notice that all the things he says is leading the krogan toward his original idea that the krogan should be fucking 28 hours a day, because this is Mass Effect, and if we can solve something by fucking, by God in Heaven we're going to solve something by fucking.

Don't worry, Wrex doesn't put all four balls on a lady's back. In this game.

For whatever reason, not every krogan is down with the idea of fucking to fix the genophage. I don't know, don't they teach biology on Tuchanka?

get it because that guy's voiced by michael dorn

Weren't we on a mission or some shit?

Before we go, we should visit one more Tuchankan resident.

There's a minigame here, it's not too hard. Shepard shoots some pyjacks (some little rat monkey guys) away from the foot stores.

Then, if Shepard returns, she can buy some meat to give to Urz.

NEXT TIME: the post will have four balls

four