Citadel: Pilot His Grizzly

Okay, probably I should go on with the Citadel scenes? But holy shit.

You've probably noticed that, when applicable and interesting, I've been adding in the YouTube videos of the romantic scenes in this section. I went and looked up Cortez's and choked.

Like, it starts the same way.

And I assume that Dudeshep also pukes when Cortez turns off the inertia dampeners, so let's go ahead and conjure that image.

What follows is the actual dialog from the game.

YOU FELL OUT OF YOUR CHAIR TOO, RIGHT?

Like, that's what we're all supposed to believe now, that going into trivial shit about the do that you do so well is somehow sexy.

No, no, and here, let me make it better, instead of being like, "So hey, scoot on over here and let me play some pocket pool," Steve just keeps fucking going.

Apparently Husbando~ doesn't know anything, because Shepard and Cortez go back in the back and fuck. I guess they fuck in all the puke. Holy hell this is a weird scene.

I understand that it's just a very unfortunate way that the flag triggers, but ... damnit, do you need to watch it? Here, watch it:

Jeez, that was hard to watch. Thankfully, Ashley has invited us out drinking.

I tell Husbando~ all the time, that's how you can tell who the sexy people are, they actually give a shit about who shot first.

No, actually, I don't intend to stop making Nintendo jokes, thanks for asking!

Look, Kasumi does one thing and she does it well.

Kasumi's Thirteen: Special Bonus Content

Don't expect this every time, because using the capture equipment is a serious pain in the ass, but I didn't feel right ducking out of Hock's vault without at least a few pictures.

The dongless David I referred to earlier.

Also, the Prothean statue. Mmm, nerd tears, all the vitamins and minerals a body needs.

That's the turian art I MSPainted. Do you not just hate it when I'm kind of accurate?

A krogan statue, and something Kasumi says is the "turian titanic."

They say the Normandy is half Turian design, but you know? I have no idea how. I think they even explain it in game, something about the arrangement of the captain's area, but I've forgotten the rest and I'm not nerd enough to look it up. Point being, it don't look like that.

Kasumi's Thirteen

WELL? How the hell was this scene not awkward as hell?

Okay, so, Kasumi and a dressed Shepard bust into Hock's vault. He's got a bunch of art pieces in there, but --

...

Stop looking at me like that.

...

Damnit, I mean it, stop with the puppy eyes.

...

OKAY FINE. This is a serious art blog, I'll try and recreate some serious art, but you are legit going to regret this.

Do you see what I mean? I just rendered Michaelangelo's David as a triangle guy in MSPaint. I should be shot.

But it is in Hock's vault. I love how the cock apparently broke off by the 2180s. Would you not hate to be the fucker who broke off David's cock?

More likely, Bioware just wasn't going to render a dick in their game. Shirtless chicks? YES. Actual human genitalia? NO. Even better, as we progress, we'll find out that Bioware has no problem rendering both nipples and the entire female genital area. Female genitals? YES. Male genitals? Bioware has standards, and BY GOD they stop right at penises. That's just over the line.

Y'all remember finding those on Ilos? Oh, children, the nerd tears, they will soften my skin.

Hey, wait! Let's fire up the screen shot machine again:

Is that not rad as hell that Hock has mass relay statues in the background over there? Rad as hell.

(I'll post some screenshots later today of Hock's vault, it's really visually interesting.)

Anyway, eventually, we come on to:

So then Hock comes on over the loud speaker and projects himself into the room as a hologram.

If you've never played this portion, this picture probably makes, like, no sense.

Okay, this is a true story: as I was drawing, I thought to myself, "Wait, Bioware's Canadian, why the hell would they have the Statue of Liberty in Hock's vault?" They Canadaed it right the fuck up in ME3, so why the hell the Statue of Liberty?

So I got on Google and tried to find the name of some famous Canadian statues, but you know what? Here's a fun fact for you, Canadians don't have, like, landmarks. Or national symbols. Except maybe the maple leaf. That's why I have Shepard screaming about Prime Minister Wayne Gretsky there, because Canada has so little else. (I'm American, I'm legally required to make fun of Canada. Legally.)

Hell of a derail, let's get back to shooting.

Hock sends like eighty five zillion guys after Kasumi and Shepard.

Eventually, Shepard and Kasumi get out to the landing pad. However, Hock's got one last ditch effort: he's gonna pull out his gun ship.

Y'all try and hate on my aerial acrobatic drawing skills. Y'all try.

On the shuttle, Kasumi opens the gray box.

What follows next is Kasumi diving into a virtual world to see her dead partner Keiji's last gift to her. It's visually stunning, so please, allow me to shit it up with my rad MSPaint skills.

Whoa, hey, what the hell did Keiji stumble on?

The only information the game offers is something something Keiji, something something Alliance, something something reapers. I don't know how or why or what, I'm hoping one of you can straighten me out in the comments. If you held a gun to my head, I'd bet that it was the same deal that Kahlee Sanders discovered at Sidon, but that is pulled from the deepest recesses of my ass, so.

But ... the gray box. What do we do?

Kasumi's Twelve

So, we were showing Shepard's ass around Donovan Hock's party, right? I know she's a little older, but she can probably squat like 300 pounds, she's got it going on back there.

Oh, and if you were concerned, don't worry, we'll see Shepard's bare ass in due time, thank you Bioware. (Horniest fucking game. Horniest. Fucking.)

As you go about the party, Shepard can overhear various hilarious conversations.

Just be glad Shepard doesn't join in. I feel like she wouldn't be the high society type.

So, let's go meet Kasumi and ask what we've got to do to get her gray box.

God, okay, I love this part:

SHEPARD GETS ALL PISSED OFF AT THE SAREN STATUE. Saren's dead! He's like super dead! Shepard killed him twice and SHE STILL GETS ALL PISSY. I've played this a zillion times, it still cracks me up every time.

Okay, step one, let's cut that power. Kasumi sets up the power line so that it glows when Shepard's omnitool comes close. Hopefully no one else at the party notices the glowing lines in the floor!

Eventually, we all come to the cut off switch in a book case.

Haters to the left, do you know how long that book case took?

Next, let's get a voice sample from Hock so we can bust through the voice protected password.

Which is great, but we also need the password to bust into the vault. Luckily, Shepard and Kasumi find it off in another room.

do you not love my anime krogan

hush you are nuts for my anime krogan

Not kidding either, Hock apparently is a fan of Paragon Lost. Freals. Here, I'm feeling nice, let's fire up the screen shot thingie again:

I love how some turbo nerd out there is squealing because those don't look like the krogans in Paragon Lost. Yes, please, your nerd tears sustain me.

We got one more thing to grab, the DNA sample. You can do this one of two ways, you can either bust through a window and shoot your way in, or you can trick a guard. I've done both, I usually just do whatever one I stumble on first. This time, I did the guard, so we're going that way. It's better to draw anyway.

In Hock's quarters:

To Bioware's credit, this scene did not go where I thought it would go. Where did I think it would go?

Here.

Nah, Bioware actually had more class than, you know, me.

Now that we have all the parts, Kasumi can bust into the vault!

Hooray! Let's barge into the vault!

But not before Shepard glares at Saren again. Holy shit, cracks me up every time.

NEXT TIME: ART