Friday, October 18, 2013

Horse Anus Spelunking Adventures 3

And now, the council chambers.

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Hey, Udina! How you doin'!

If you'll remember from Retribution, Anderson ragequit the council for no reason whatsoever so that Bioware could put Udina on the council. You'll see why later. Anyway, he gets to stand next to the other councilmembers, which we never saw Anderson do, so that's neat.

Council meetings always work out nicely, let me sum this one up pictorally for you:

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Okay, but freals.

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I don't .... I don't really know what to tell you here, other than it's the third game, we should expect the council to have their head up their ass.

But we've found an important question here, one that we touched before, but now we're staring right in the face: what the hell is the final solution to the reapers? Back before Mass Effect 3, many nerds had debates on Internet forums over how Mass Effect 3 would end.

What's funny is, I actually had an idea, and I would go on forums and argue for my final solution. You want to know what my solution was?

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PEOPLE LAUGHED AT ME. Like, what the hell, how could you not POSSIBLY think that the ending to MASS. EFFECT. would involve a MASS. EFFECT?!

I don't mean to spoil you, but when I found out I was wrong, that was my first hint that the ending was going to be shitty.

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Oh bullshit. Fine, Bioware, what the fuck do you think the final solution is? A horse anus? Do we need to spelunk a horse anus? I bet we need to go horse anus spelunking.

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Still mad. I am still furious.

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Ladies and gentlemen, the Dalatross' second line of the entire trilogy.

Finally, finally, the asari councillor thinks to ask the question we probably should have asked back on Mars:

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I don't know what to tell you, this whole scene is off the rails. I swear to you that this game will get smarter.

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This is the first whiff we get of one of the greater plot threads. What the hell is the catalyst? What does it do? Why couldn't the Protheans find it before they died?

I'm going to give you a hint: it is not a mass effect. Of course it isn't. Hey guys, we're going to shove a horse ass in the crucible and fire it at the reapers, hope that's cool.

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Udina wants to see Shepard in his office, let's see how that goes over.

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Why yes, yes I will whine for the duration of Mass Effect 3, try and stop me.

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(The primarch is like the president of all the turians.)

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Did that not bother anyone else?

NEXT TIME: Guess we'll be rescuing Primarch Bronydorian.

3 comments:

  1. I'm actually writing an ME3 AU fic (no crucible) where the reapers are destroyed using mass effects. True story.

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  2. Most of the major tech in ME use mass effects in some form. Ships and shuttles use them to file. Guns use them to fire ammo at hyper velocity. Most armor plating is made using mass effects. It is all in the codex.

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  3. To build off of stranj100's comment, all of the biotic stuff uses mass effects as well. All those lovely vanguard powers? Mass effects. The mass effect concept is basically ubiquitous in the series.

    ReplyDelete