Citadel: Febreeze

Holy hell, sorry this posted late, but enjoy anyway.

Citadel: Candy!

Let's continue talking to our buddies in the Citadel DLC, such as EDI.

"Bean, this is going to be a very long game if you get pissed every time you see EDI." That sucks for you more than me. (Did you notice Shepard had to go get a beer to even deal with EDI's ass?)

Miranda also wants to talk to us.

We have a solemn memorial for the departed.

Jacob's so damn boring that he wants to play a video game with us while we're, you know, in a video game.

I give him grief, Jacob's actually a good shit talker.

If you did the diddly with Jacob, you can tell him exactly how you feel about him cheating:

(When the kids come up to Jacob, instead of "who are they?" Shepard totally should have said, "Did you father these too?" I just came up with that. Just now. I should have drawn that. Fuck.)

Liara comes over and plays piano.

Grunt parties harder than you or I would ever will.

Jack wants to meet in the Armak Arsenal Arena, the combat simulator.

I'll tell you a story about this scene. I was very fortunate to meet Courtney Taylor, the voice of Jack, at DragonCon 2014. This is what happened:

If you were wondering, this is the scene I was talking about, and this line that Jack says:

Or, so that Google will pick it up the next time you're talking to Courtney Taylor, Jack says, "I am gonna beat you until candy comes out!"

Citadel Dates: The Cybernetic Asshole of Victory

Do you know that it hit me yesterday that I missed my Han Shot First joke last time? I am so not a Star Wars person.

Remember how I said that you get little, uh, "dates" with your squadmates, and they all tend to unlock at once? Guess what I got!

I actually got this before the Dreadnaught, but after Omega, I was kind of desperate to make the plot move forward. Hey, let's see what's going on on the Citadel!

"Wow, Bean, it's almost like you've never had a tattoo before and have no clue what a tattoo gun looks like!" and other things you've said today.

I have no idea what Vega's talking about. Okay, so there's war, and like chaos and shit, but ... I mean, there's a whole N7 school in Rio di Janeiro. They're not gonna go, "Well, fuck it, just follow Shepard around for a few weeks and we'll hand it over."

Oh, this fuckwit makes me mad every time he opens his horny mouth.

Although, Shepard handles it in the world's most perfect way.

do you know how proud i am of that drawing of shepard

Vega reacts like any man would.

Did you know you can go hang with Jacob? I was shocked too. Let's go hang with Jacob.

Ey yo, I work with kids? Let me explain you a thing: name your damn kid a name. If it's a noun? It's not a name. Ideas are nouse, PS, not names. If it's a last name? It's not a name. If you spell it wrong? It's not a name. The letter Y cries itself to sleep at night because of what white people have done to it.

Like, just ... just don't fucking do that to your kid. They'll have to put that shit on a resume some day, okay?

My friends get pissed at me. Whenever they have kids, I'm like, "YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES, TED OR SUSAN. THOSE ARE THE NAMES YOU CAN NAME YOUR KID. THAT LIST IS EXHAUSTIVE."

And while I'm yelling, don't name your kid Braden, or Brayden or Braedyn or any variation thereof. Every Brayden I've ever known has been a holy terror. Don't go trying to slip Jayden past me either, every Jayden I've ever known has been, like, too dumb to be considered lucid.

Hackett Taylor. Hackett Taylor.

Let's go visit another space pal.

Javik was born after the fall of the Citadel in his cycle. It would have been considered beyond impossible for any Prothean to set foot on the station. And yet. He's kind of having a feel.

Have we talked about the hanar? I think I've gotten this far and not said a word about what a hanar is.

Bioware smartly realized that not every alien would be mysteriously human shaped. Part of their solution to this was the elcor (which we discussed a million years ago, I remember that one), but the other part was the hanar, big shiny jellyfish fuckers who worship the Protheans as gods.

It's an entire race of Liaras.

NEXT TIME: the two citadel dates you all were looking for anyway