Ilos: Vigil

So something stops the Mako from going forward other than the fact that it's a steaming pile of horse shit, so Shep and pals get out and go see what's up. They travel down this little cavern, down an elevator, and find themselves in a big cavern, but that's okay guys this is a shooter not an RPG.

And then they find a VI.

And then I try really hard to do art by fucking up the long-practiced ideas of perspective.

Remember when I was talking about the idea of MSPixel as a form of preservation? I hope you laughed your ass off.

Anyway, everyone, say hi to Vigil!

This is the other super important conversation Shepard has with an ancient such and such. You need to pay attention here too, Vigil's going to set up the plot of the next two games, particularly ME3. To tell the truth, I'm not that excited about giving Vigil its own post, but it was too long to stick pack in the last one, and it's too long to stick in the next section, soooooo here we go. Vigil.

So, Vigil imparts very important information. Hey, Vigil! Talk to me about the Citadel. That other holographic bastard Soverign told me reapers built it, what can you tell me about it?

PS, Vigil's not lying. The Citadel is an Admiral Ackbar certified trap. It links to "dark space", which the game never really gives a great definition of (maybe it's where they store their mass effects?), but anyway, dark space is where all the reapers are. Alls you gotta do is send a signal, and the Citadel opens up like a high school kid on prom night.

OH AND PS GUESS WHAT SAREN'S OFF TO DO?

So, hey, Vigil, what are our chances?

Hey hey, that's awesome.

If you haven't figured it out by now, the Protheans got ate by the reapers. They figured out that the reapers were reapin' early on, and tried to fight back, but ... well, that's why we have humans and asari and shit now. Vigil says that some Protheans were enslaved instead of reaped. Remember that for ME2. Are you remembering that? Write it down.

Ilos was a Prothean research facility, one of the last that stood against the reapers. One of the things that they did was install a mini mass relay in Ilos so they could just beam into the Citadel whenever they felt like. That mass relay is called the conduit, which is the thing that Saren is so hot for.

Vigil's not shitting. You remember those glowing blue pods? The Prothean scientists sealed themselves in those things to be cryogenically frozen just in case there was a chance they could be revived. Vigil was programmed, however, to shut the pods down if the facility got too low on power, and, welp, sucks to be a Prothean scientist.

But as much as Liara would like to hang around and stroke Vigil lovingly talk to Vigil, Saren's trying to get the entire universe reaper ate, so we must be off.

Vigil makes one last offer to Shepard: he's got this file that can control the Citadel if Shepard copies it onto a USB drive and then shoves the drive into the Citadel control panel. (What? The Citadel works via USB. The reapers are very concerned with the universality of technology. There's probably an app to control it to, but Shep doesn't have the 1.99 in her iTunes account.)

So Shepard drags Liara kicking and screaming back to the Mako, and then we all drive like hell to try and catch up with Saren.

I won't spoil it for you, but Shepard manages to get the Mako on the Citadel. She uses a mass effect! Really! It is the first and last time a mass effect affects the plot.

Oh, but also, that busts the Mako.

fuggit good riddance.

NEXT TIME: Fuck.

Ilos: Final Stretch

So, uh, hey Admiral Hackett, you wanted to talk?

I can never make Shepard punch al-Jilani in the face, I don't have the heart. What if al-Jilani's kid was watching the news that evening?

I'm not making that up, either, you can clock her in the face Anderson style if you want. Hackett has some, err, slightly different dialogue if you do.

I think, but I'm not sure, that this is where the Bioware Sex Scene comes in if you've been working toward that. Like I said, I play ME1 lone wolf style. My Shepard spends the evening with a dirty magazine and maybe a, um, inappropriate toy.

I just drew that.

MASS EFFECT TRIVIA: The most popular porno mag in the Mass Effect universe is Fornax, a magaine dedicated to cross-species porn. I am not even making it up in the slightest. Mass Effect: The Horniest Game.

Anyway, let's all cram into the cockpit and go to Ilos.

"Bean," you ask thoughtfully, "who the hell is that standing next to Shepard?"

Meet Presley. This is literally the only time in any of the three games that he does anything. Remember the beginning of the game, when Anderson was the captain of the Normandy and Shepard was the executive officer? Second in command? Spock, if you will? When Shep stepped up to captain, they gave Presley the job of second. The only time you're ever even really aware of him is when Shepard leaves the Normandy and a robot voice says, "XO Presley has the deck." You can talk to him, but he's honestly pretty easy to miss and all he does is spout space racism. In ME2 you find out he spent his time creepin' up on Tali. Classy!

He's a really odd addition to the cast, and truly could have been left out. In fact, they could have taken care of the whole thing once and for all by promoting Shepard to captain when she got spectre status and Kaidan to commander and letting him do the XO duties, whatever the hell those even are.

"But Bean, what if Kaidan and Shepard both had to go planet side?" Dude, you must've noticed by now that the Normandy has some fucked up methods of operations. Shepard had to go planet side all the time when she was the XO (Eden Prime?), and when she gets promoted? They send her commanding officer ass right into battle all the time like it's not a thing. Anderson got to stay on the damn ship when he was captain! Mass Effect borrowed enough from Star Trek, it may as well have gone full tilt and sent Shepard, Presley/Kaidan and Chawkwas on every damn mission.

Enough of my bitching. So, Presley's having heart episodes over the fact that there's no good place to land the mako on Ilos. Like, you need ... some meters to land, or something, and they only have, um ... less ... look, I didn't pay attention that hard. Everyone's yelling, Presley's reaching for his nitro, it's a giant mess.

And Joker's like, "No way, dude, I got this!

And Presley's all trying to answer and shit, but he's too busy hyperventilating.

And Joker's like, "No, fuck you, I've got this!"

So Shepard piles the shore party into the Mako, and Joker shoots them out into whatever his impossibly tiny little hole is.

(See, and once again, "Oh, there's something super dangerous to do! Let's take the commanding officer, shove her in the mako, and hope she only dies a little bit!)

Hey! If you're playing the game for the first time, trust my ass on this, do not go to Ilos without a biotic character or two. If you made Shepard not biotic, you dumbass, THAT MEANS LIARA NEEDS TO BE IN YOUR PARTY. Don't half ass it with Kaidan or Wrex.

There's your PSA for today. Anyway, Joker just so happens to dump Shepard right next to the door that Saren is currently going in!

Well shit. Looks like we'll have to find another way into Ilos' ... uh ... thing. Look, if Saren's going into it, it's probably important!

So Shep and the Shepettes go tromping around Ilos. Important to note! Shepard comes across these statues as she's going about:

Ahahahhaha the nerd tears will be delicious. They will make my skin soft.

Anyway, so, eventually they come on this security panel thing. Because this is sci-fi, Shepard activates it immediately without any forethought as to whether or not it would kill her, and the shore party lets her, because who the hell gives a damn if the CO gets killed?

This ... uh, thing pops up. It's a big ass hologram, I guess, but it's scrambled.

The hologram is speaking in Prothean. The universal translator can't pick Prothean up, so all non-Shepards in the party are lost, but Shepard had Prothean beamed into her head by the various beacons that love her, so she totally understands the beacon.

This makes Liara squeeful. Hahahahha, get used to that shit. Bitch loves Protheans.

Either way, the beacon isn't clear. It opens up that door that Shepard and pals needed open, though, so let's go through it!

In the motherfucking MAKO!

As you drive along, you see some glowing pods on the wall. The fuck are those things?

NEXT TIME: The fuck those things are.

Citadel: Lockin' and Poppin'

Hey, everyone! Let's go back to the Citadel and get all those reinforcements that Udina promised! Then Shepard and buddies will be able to go to Ilos and beat the hell out of Saren with all those reinforcements! YAY REINFORCEMENTS!

You have probably figured out by now that this whole reinforcement thing is not going to happen.

So Shepard goes to meet Udina and the Council. The Council's involvement is your first hint that this reinforcement thing is not going to happen.

So the Council's all like, "Hey, good work Shep! We've put troops at every mass relay to keep Saren from coming in to our space systems!" (Mass relays let people jump from space system to space system. They're powered by mass effects. Once again, I'll say, "Mass Effect" is a colossally stupid name for this game series.)

And Shepard's like, "Okay, but reinforcements."

And the Council's all, "Okay, but no."

See, that kobyashi maru scenario pops up again: Ilos is in the Terminus systems, and the Council is afraid that sending anything out there: Shepard, Shepard + Reinforcements, anything might start a war between the Terminus Systems and council space.

Shepard, I hate it for you, but old boy's got a point about the nuke.

Shepard tries to tell the Council about the reapers, but they don't buy it. Udina freaks the hell out, kicks a puppy, and suggests that they lock the Normandy out so that Shepard can't do any more Sheparding.

I mean, it's a political move to show that Shepard != humans, but still,

It's like the one renegade option I take in Mass Effect 1.

So, they bitch at each other a bit, allow me to sum it up pictorially:

So Shepard goes back to the Normandy and cools her heels for a bit. If you tried to get in Ashley/Kaidan/Liara's space suit, they'll come and have a scene with Shepard where they ~almost kiss~ and it's ~so romantic~. If you play ME1 masturbation style, like I do, you get a quick scene with Joker.

Huh! Off to Flux. Flux is the bar on the Citadel that doesn't have hookers. Ta daaaa.

So anyway, errbody roll up to Flux, takes in the shitty beep boop music, and finds Anderson alone at a table.

That's what happens, too, Shepard and Anderson sit down at a table and your two squadmates just stand there and look awkward as hell.

And also, if I can be a huge nerd for a second, seriously skip this paragraph if you can't take me being a huge nerd, what the hell is Anderson wearing in this scene? At first I thought it was some sort of muscle shirt, and I was like, hey, Bioware, that's awful nice of you, I mean I can see how Anderson could be old hot and all, even though I'm not gonna lie I'm a little weirded out by this whole ordeal of thinking of the guy like that well anyway this post just got really fucking awkward, but then I saw that it had straps and shit on it, so what, is it a totally black set of Alliance fatigues? Why do they make that? No other character wears those. You do not see any character ever wear those ever again over any of the three games. It tasks me.

Anderson's got this plan, see: he's going to pop the locks off the Normandy and send everybody sailing off to Ilos. Sure, he'll be left back at the Citadel guilty as the living sin, but he's chill with that.

He gives you two choices as to how he springs you, but seriously, there's only one correct answer.

I did not make a moment of that up. Udina's in his office, chillin' and updating his spacebook page or whatever, and Anderson comes in and cold cocks the guy in the face before jacking his computer and typing really hard.

Somehow Anderson types the thing that unlocks the Normandy, so we're off! NEXT TIME: Ilos, and maybe someone will get some ice for Udina.