E3: Naked Men

Yo, so probably you figured this out from the title, but today's E3 round up is about as NSFW as MSPaint can get.

I could talk about the pirate game that Rare showed off, and my new best friend who apparently has to repeat everything he says ten times.

Or I could talk about the fact that Ubisoft is a bunch of gloriously crazy French bastards.

But there's another trailer that I think is more important to discuss.

goin there

The following is a true story about my E3 experience.

"HO HUM MPREG FANFIC AT E3 WHATEVER" -- Every Man Ever

Like, what did that concept meeting for that trailer even sound like?

Thankfully, we got to see the Legend of Zelda today! What a great day! Let's see how the game starts.

is this life even real

Like, where's the lie, Link woke up naked. He probably gave birth to his hat and we missed it.

And then a bunch of my asshole friends sent me messages about Overwatch, because again, nude men, nbd.

E3: Your KMom

I could write a witty ass introduction, but I know why you showed up today so let's just get to it.

.... nah, I'll remind you to follow my twitter, @MSPixelBlog for live tweets during E3, and remind you that you'll be getting MORE MSPixel after today's conferences from Microsoft, Sony and Ubisoft. I may do Nintendo if there's enough to make fun of.

NOW let's get to the reason you all showed up here.

You know that quote from Samara? "I am a ruined vessel of sorrow and regret, but I am free?" I think about that quote a lot. I've achieved the first half of it, for sure.

Bioware hasn't done shit for Andromeda. I've drawn more concept art for fucking Andromeda than they have. They've spent the past year with their hands in their pants, knee deep in hentai and ramen, and all they brought to E3 was "see you in the fall tee hee!"

I'm so mad. Steam is shooting out of my asshole right now in this very living moment in history. You can watch the damn trailer, but who the fuck cares, I drew the highlights for you.

See you on Twitter for the other conferences. Me and Paul have some hats to put on.

GRAB YOUR HAT, PAUL, VIDEO GAMES EUROVISION IS NIGH.

Today's the day that I overheat my tablet trying to draw all of the conferences today! As a reminder, you can keep up with me at @MSPixelBlog on Twitter. Tweet to me! I love attention.

First up today was the Microsoft conference! It wasn't much, though. There were a hell of a lot of prerendered trailers of games that I can't tell you anything about because I only saw a fucking cut scene.

I would be totally bad at my job if I didn't mention all the Mass Effect at the Microsoft conference.

Syke. Sort of.

It's badass, and I'd use it (if I had an XBone), but there's only one feature I'd really want.

Did ... did anyone notice something about the Microsoft conference?

They spent a butt ton of time on EA, Bethesda and Ubisoft, who fucking have their own conferences. I think maybe they didn't have that much to show.

They showed off some neat AR tech with the Occulus Rift, and somehow justified the damn thing for something other than porn.

They showed it off with Minecraft, which was cool, but I don't think the intersection of "people hella into Minecraft" and "people who will drop $300+ on an Occulus Rift" isn't as big as I think they're hoping.

They also showed off Gears of War.

I was glad when the rest of the Internet also thought the aliens in Gears of War looked like Krogans.

ANYWAY EVERYONE HAS TO SHUT UP BECAUSE EA CONFERENCE.

They started with this:

Does that look ... ?

HOLY HELL

You want to see the trailer? It was super short, I've pretty much MSPainted all of it, but you can still see it here:

So! More! More, more! Give me more, EA!

Oh my GOD, that was the theme of the EA Conference. "EA: We're not saying dick about New Mass Effect."

Which, PS, is now called Mass Effect: Andromeda.

They had a dancing fucking zombie on stage.

And a guy who was about to have a stroke over yarn, poor bastard.

And I don't even know what the fuck else.

They were killing me. I didn't care about Pele, I didn't care about Star Wars, I just wanted MORE. MASS. EFFECT.

So, naturally:

...

Okay, so. They obviously didn't show anything at the EA conference so that they can show up to the Nintendo Direct tomorrow and announce Mass Effect Andromeda for WiiU. With amiibos.

You would knife someone for Andromeda with amiibos, don't lie.

Let's begin the Sony conference.

Okay, so I know I'm your local cynical parodist, but the Sony conference? Was amazing. Highlights include No Man's Sky, which Husbando~ is so excited for that he starts to vibrate when you mention it.

I have forgotten his name, but the needlessly swearing Sony executive is my new best friend.

... wait a second.

YOU GUYS

Husbando~ doesn't get it, he has terrible tastes in games he didn't play RPGs back in the day and also he has no appreciation for video game history.

But Square, for years, was like, "Naw, see, we're not making FF7. You guys are nerds."

And then, they're all, "NAW SYKE WE'RE DOIN THIS SHIT awww had you goin"

I can't wait. INEEDIT. I wonder how true to the original it will be? I wonder if they'll put in some of the old cut content? One of my favorite old rumors was that they cut a playable character named Boxer the Goblin, it would be hilarious if he was back in.

Oh, and also, this begs the question:

Go look it up, that happens. I think a lot of people were too young to really understand how totally filthy that scene was. It would make a Bioware staff member blush.

Speaking of video game history, how cool is the Shenmue kick starter? Finish it! Finish the series!

It's very late here on the East coast. I'll set this to post early tomorrow morning. See you all for the Nintendo Direct tomorrow, and the Square conference!

I wasn't before, but now I am SO AMPED for that Square conference.