The End: A Rough Landing

So the Normandy's in space, running from ...

... I have no idea what that is. Is that the same thing going from mass relay to mass relay? If it is, why the hell is it targeting the Normandy? If it's not, what is it?!

... something's wrong with that image.

I'll leave it to you, though.

The, uh, space thing? The space thing makes the Normandy, um. Explode?

And thus, the Normandy crash lands.

People start getting out of the Normandy:

Y'all buckle your seatbelts, I'm about to yell a lot.

In the original ending, in destroy, EDI popped right out of that ship like nothing happened. And people said, "Wait, if all the reaper tech shut down, how the hell is EDI still alive?"

So Bioware cut her out of the extended cut, but I refuse, REFUSE to let them off the hook. Just because she's not in the cut scene doesn't mean she's not there. And anyway, if all the reaper tech is shut down, how was the Normandy still flying? It should have just hung in space.

There's a third catch to this that we'll get to, but let me reiterate: the space child is a lying little shit.

The second person out of the ship is always your love interest.

The third is always Javik.

It's supposed to be the squadmate that you had the highest 'friendship' with, but I've never found a good definition for what 'friendship' was, and anyway why in the world wouldn't mine be Liara? Every time I play this game, there's Javik, right in the ending, climbing over Liara to get out of the ship.

I suspect this part is bugged.

This is a fight that I have more with Mass Effect nerds than Bioware. Prove that they didn't crash land on Earth. You can't. They're in Brazil. Fight me in the parking lot.

The Absolute Extent of My Artistic Abilities

About ... gee, fifteen years ago? Yes, fifteen or so years in gaming history, if you wanted an incredible cut scene, you went to Square Enix. They were then known as Square. As a video game historian's aside, back then they were called fmv, not cut scenes. It stood for for full motion video, because the game was playing a compressed video instead of running anything in engine. The original Playstation didn't have the juice to render something so impressive as Squall and Rinoa's first dance in real time.

Point being, Bioware can kindly use the mad huge processing power of the XBox 360 (or PS4 if you prefer, or PC if you're gonna be that nerd) to bring us a big ass Final Fantasy style cut scene. Or, at least that's what I think of every time I see this.

This is one of the most impressive cut scenes in the game, I think, so it's only fitting that I shit it down my leg. You're at least getting an extra long MSPixel today, so.

Here we go, coming up on Earth! I can't draw space ships, which is exactly why I'm drawing every scene from a sci fi shooter.

I'm reasonably sure Joker always talks about the turians, the asari and the Alliance. If you solved Rannoch to the satisfaction of all parties, you get a little bit extra:

This is the plot of Battlestar Galactica: the humans are at war with a race of robots known as Cylons. The Cylons manage to blow the humans out of the fucking sky, so the humans group together in a ship fleet and attempt to take back their homeworld. The main character is Commander Adama.

Look, I make jokes about this being low budget Star Trek, but --

Yo Joker, who else is ready?

Well then, come the fuck on!

... you know the Normandy doesn't fire an entire shot during that whole fucking sequence? Way to be a team player, assholes.

Next time:

The Sex Boat: Intimate Conversations For A Sensual Evening

Holy fuck I forgot what chatty bitches the Normandy crew was.

Big fuck you this morning goes out to Photobucket for not letting me upload files. I like photobucket because it doesn't compress the images lime imgur does, but holy crapola, get your shit together.

I remember when I had a much shittier tablet.

Rumor has it that Chawkwas wants to talk to us. Now, why would that be?

Why would it ever be.

"Bean, what the hell are you talking about?" Okay, so I glitched my game during the final conversation with Chawkwas and this happened:

Chawkwas actually got so drunk that she clipped through her own desk.

I think Javik wants us too.

Jesus Christ, Mass Effect.