And They All Lived Happily Ever After Until Mass Effect 3

Okay! The giant reaper fuckbaby has been vanquished twice, we gotta book.

... ruh roh.

Everyone lands in some debris. If we had unloyal squadmates, we would have seen some casualties here.

As is, we're only left with one essential question:

Oh, right.

Look, as much as I hate it, Tsundere MRA Harbinger explains a whole lot about this game.

The base is about to blow. Please imagine this song playing in the background as we run:

Now what? We're ~taking control~

Joker has brittle bone disease and can barely walk which is exactly why he's standing outside the Normandy blaring an assault rifle into waves of collectors.

(You see Joker in a lot of these hard-coded cut scenes because from this point forward he's the only character Bioware can reliably say isn't dead/pissed at Shepard/the Shadow Broker. He'll crop up in ME3 plenty for the exact same reason.)

Kasumi and Jack load safely.

You knew Shepard can die right here, right?

But I've got a terrible art blog to continue, so let's get her out alive.

(Bioware originally planned to let you import a save with a dead Shepard into ME3 as an Easter egg, but I don't think they went through with it. I'm sure it would have just been a cut scene anyway.)

Mission accomplished!

Now begins the ending events to ME2:

So Brother Tim isn't too happy with Shepard, but fuck 'em, because it's the end of the game and we don't have to deal with his ass for a while.

There's some repairs on the Normandy to make!

I seriously don't get this. Like ... I'm pretty sure Shepard knows what a reaper looks like, and understands that yes actually they're coming to reap us?

Either way, the last scene is her looking out a Normandy window.

Huh, another short Bioware ending, surely such a tradition won't bite them in the -- all right, I'm shutting up.

I have no idea where all these reapers came from, and they go away like ten seconds later, so, uh. Actually, canonically the reapers aren't even through the mass relay connecting our galaxies to dark space yet, so ... I guess someone put a bunch of reaper decals on the hull to be a dick.

There's no dialog, but we all know what the last line really is.

That's it? No celebration, no nothing?

We can do better than that.

Good idea, Miranda, but I'm thinking there's only one person on the Normandy that really knows how to party.

fin.

Okay! There's actually more Mass Effect 2, if that doesn't chap your ass: there's a mission that bridges 2 and 3 that we'll need to do.

But next time, I'm thinking? I'm thinking a palette cleanser. I'm thinking one of my favorite Mass Effect medias.

NEXT TIME: Vamos a ver señor Vega protagonizar un choque de trenes!

They Built A WHAT?! For WHY?!

The moving platforms aren't hard if you have pull. You know, if you play vanguard like I told you.

All you do is stand around and toss pull before the collectors get to you, it pops them off really quick.

Of course, Jack has pull too.

I have to apologize for lying last entry: I finally have all the art done, and there's no way in hell we're getting out of this in one entry. At least you've got something to look forward to next Wednesday, I guess.

Reaper super structre? But what the hell could that be?

Yeah, so, uh. The collectors just have this fucker, like, uh, hanging out in their basement. Do you think Harbinger pets its hair and tries to share mountain dew with it?

The best part is that it's not done yet.

Hold on to your ass. This is the last moment in time before you know what happens in this next panel.

Let's go, motherfuckers, let's go. Tell me one more damn time how this isn't the horniest game they make. Try and tell me. TRY AND TELL ME.

There are literally thousands of video games throughout history. Gazillions of them. That's a real number. I'm counting Pong up through Dragon Age Fucking 3 or whatever. Do you know how many of those don't involve fucking in any capacity? A HIGH DAMN PERCENTAGE, that's for sure! Let's name a few! Let's name some classics! Mario 3! Ecco the Dolphin! Any given Zelda (except possibly Twilight Princess!) Frogger!

"BUT OH HOH," screamed all of Bioware, sitting high atop their Edmontonian fortress, hands in their pants, "THIS SHALL NOT PASS. OUR GAME SHALL BE BETTER. OUR GAME SHALL BE A LOVING TALE OF GIANT LOVECRAFTIAN HORROR ROBOT SPIDER ALIENS TURNING HUMANS INTO LIQUID GRAY FUCK JUICE SO THAT THEY CAN GET THEIR DAMN SWERVE ON, AND THE PLUCKY LADY WHO TRIES TO COCKBLOCK THEM AND GETS SOME ALIEN WING WANG OR HOO HAA ALONG THE WAY.

Do you see my point here? The reapers could have been after literally anything, but because this is Mass Effect, the Horniest Game Series, it had to be straight humpin'. There are Japanese hentai games with more complicated plots.

Thank you, Mac Walters, for teaching us all how to love again.

Fuckin' horny ass game.

All right, so here goes an easy boss fight: shoot the tubes, the reaper babby falls.

At this point a squadmate will call and check in. It was Thane in my game, I think it's randomized though. Had anyone died, Thane would have let us know, but we're all good.

You actually can choose to hand the base over to Brother TIM, but everyone I've ever spoken to recognizes it as an awful idea. I've heard of people doing it "just to see what happens". (My understanding is: not much.)

All right, well, let's hustle out --

Fuck, really?

Okay, the human reaper is back, this time with three eyes, because humans have three eyes, because mass effects. I don't care any more. Sure, fuck it, the abomination against man and nature has three eyes. It's made of gray fuck juice, just make it go away!

You have to aim for the eyes, but it's such a damn hard fight.

NEXT TIME: Really the real end of Mass Effect 2.