Citadel: Always Use Protection

Citadel: Cortez

Thanks, MSPals. I was having trouble getting some of the Citadel scenes unlocked. I asked around on Twitter and Tumblr, but ultimately, tersa on LiveJournal got it. I had scenes not pop up because I hadn't completed character arcs in the core game. I honestly thought I had, but it's probably a mix of "I blow through the game fucking fast when I play for MSPixel" and "Holy hell Tali and Ashley's scenes were so boring I totally forgot they even existed." Tali recounts the events of Homeworlds for us, Ashley tells us that her dad likes to grill.

Holy crap, though, Cortez wins the High Maintenance Award. So you go see him on the Citadel at the war memorial, right? He's there mourning his dead husband.

Then, you get an email from him.

But here's the thing, he doesn't show up in Purgatory.

So I went to the Normandy to go see what the fuck.

Oh, cool, I guess I unlocked the scene in --

Oh go to hell, Steve. Back on the Normandy:

Mass Effect 3 is coded with some twigs stuck together with bubble gum. I really think it needed about six more months dev time. As a result, it can be hard to get some scenes to trigger. (Heaven help you if you want Miranda to live, you pretty much have to be a girl.) I knew sometimes scenes will pop if you go complete a misson, so I went to go do an N7 mission.

Naturally I accidentally picked the hardest one, the one in the fuel reactor with all the toxic gas.

Me choking on fumes was what it took to get Cortez to Purgatory.

... you're an ass, Steve.

If you're a guy, this is the part where you can get with Cortez. If you're the correct Shepard, you're not really Cortez's ... type.

That took me the better part of a day. I had shit to do, but no, I spent all that time fucking around with Mass Effect instead. What was the wonderful scene I unlocked after doing this?

Steve takes Shepard on a shuttle ride.

Uh ... dude? Do you not understand why those might be in place?

So glad I did that N7 mission.

Let's check in with some other characters.

Jack isn't allowed to do anything that isn't a metaphor.

Miranda is the best fucking squadmate.

Someone at Bioware has seen Robot Chicken.

Citadel: Candy!

Let's continue talking to our buddies in the Citadel DLC, such as EDI.

"Bean, this is going to be a very long game if you get pissed every time you see EDI." That sucks for you more than me. (Did you notice Shepard had to go get a beer to even deal with EDI's ass?)

Miranda also wants to talk to us.

We have a solemn memorial for the departed.

Jacob's so damn boring that he wants to play a video game with us while we're, you know, in a video game.

I give him grief, Jacob's actually a good shit talker.

If you did the diddly with Jacob, you can tell him exactly how you feel about him cheating:

(When the kids come up to Jacob, instead of "who are they?" Shepard totally should have said, "Did you father these too?" I just came up with that. Just now. I should have drawn that. Fuck.)

Liara comes over and plays piano.

Grunt parties harder than you or I would ever will.

Jack wants to meet in the Armak Arsenal Arena, the combat simulator.

I'll tell you a story about this scene. I was very fortunate to meet Courtney Taylor, the voice of Jack, at DragonCon 2014. This is what happened:

If you were wondering, this is the scene I was talking about, and this line that Jack says:

Or, so that Google will pick it up the next time you're talking to Courtney Taylor, Jack says, "I am gonna beat you until candy comes out!"

purr purr purr purr

And now, let us discuss Miranda.

I've cheated a bit, we had to go visit Miranda BEFORE the Geth Dreadnaught. Before you talk to her, however, you have to go space skype with Anderson.

He'll tell you about Kai Leng. We all know why he's so spooked by Kai Leng, ps.

Some people also report that Anderson will email you a dossier? I can't get the damn email to come up.

Point being, once all that happens, go space skype with Miranda at the spectre terminal.

If you did it all right, Miranda will say something about being ready.

Then go do the geth dreadnaught.

You get back from that, Miranda will email you again, so go meet her in her apartment:

... okay, you've got them, but only because you're totes the best squadmate.

Oh my GOD you're so lucky that warp and overload are that valuable.

Forgive her, though, trust me.

Let's visit someone else.

One of the nice thing about the Citadel dates is that you can lock in your romance guy. Meaning? Everyone else quits coming on to you! Let's go!

Garrus takes you to the top of the Citadel, even though it's illegal. I think he thinks he's being a ~bad boy?~ But Shepard's a spectre. If they get caught, she can just be all like, "Yo, spectre authority," and it won't matter. I don't know why this didn't come up in the writing room.

I had an internal debate with myself, and decided this: Garrus' scene is actually sort of nice. Syrupy as hell, but nice. I'm going to be super kind and not parody every single line from the scene, because if you haven't played it yet, I don't want you to get spoiled.

... except spend ten minutes on Tumblr and they'll quote every line to you, holy shit.

Trust me, whether or not you're getting some turian dick, miss the second shot when you get the chance. Bioware left an easter egg in there for you.

Some fangirls speculate that they banged right after this scene. Really? ... would you not hate to be the officer who walked in on that?

First time I played this, I made sure Husbando~ was out of the house, because I suspected this scene was going to be more or less girl porn. ... and you know, I was pretty much right, that is super girl porn.

... we don't have enough time in this entry to do the last Citadel date that I want to do, but I'd feel bad cutting you all off here, so let's do some quickies:

And because of the photorealism of MSPixel, I don't have to tell you who that is!

...

...

...

okay fine it's Kelly Chambers.

Liara digs up dog turds on public property.

Jack saw next week's entry.