Garrus: Omegan Face Off

We last left everyone strategizing heavily as to how to get Garrus away from all three Omegan merc bands alive.

... hush, "Omegan" is a word now.

Oh, right, and we also last left them all being horny as hell for each other, as this is Mass Effect.

Hey, but how did Garrus get into this situation? See, he got fed up with working as a mall cop on the Citadel, and decided to come to Omega to clean the place up. Motherfucker likes a challenge. He assembled a team of twelve men to serve with him. One day he came back to find eleven of them dead, as the twelfth, a turian named Sidonis, had betrayed him to the mercs and ran.

Really.

Jeeeeeesus Christ, suuuuuuuuper star, do you think you're who they say you are ....

Bioware apparently forgot that they were a Canadian videogame company temporarily, decided that they were Japanese, and just tossed biblical imagery all over the place. Did you notice that we're on Omega? And Aria lives in Afterlife? Oh, and hey, weren't we chasing Archangel? This stuff isn't accidental!

What's really funny is that they have a character named Shepard running around who literally was resurrected from the dead during the third day year by the Lazarus project and yet this is where they went with Garrus' whole story arc. How many Jesuses can one galaxy hold?

I won't spoil it, but it's seriously going to keep going to a deeply weird place if we follow the symbolism all the way through. Miranda works out to be a pretty decent Mary Magdalene if you're in to that, though.

Also, all this Jesus on Jesus action that we're seeing. What does that even ... ? Bioware, honey, what?

All right, I'll shut up long enough to get Garrus off Omega. I am amazed, however, amazed that we'll be able to do this without seeing even one cross.

Shepard and buddies go downstairs and shoot the hell out of some stuff while Garrus continues to snipe. The mercs activate a mech at one point, but in the last segment, you could hack it, thus causing it to turn now on all the other merc guys and kill them dead.

Kind of having trouble remembering where hacking giant robots so that they kill people fits into the Lord's plan for us all, but I don't have a degree in Judeo-Christian studies so what do I know. But damnit I played Xenogears and that should count for the coursework.

After a few waves of mercs, it looks like we're all clear to --

shut up that's a door okay

Or, alternate explanation, the mercs figured out how to bust through the basement. Shit.

There are shutters in the basement that can lock the mercs out, if Shepard can get to them and shut them down.

Welcome to one of the hardest parts of the game.

God, true story, once I pulled my SI joint? Also known as my ass bone. That is the medically accepted term. I put icy hot on it. Do not put icy hot on your ass.

See, look at you, learning shit off MSPixel. That whole image set is history and science all in one go.

Providing you can get Shepard doused off and the shutters shut, you then return to Garrus.

Shit, wait, didn't Garrus already disable one of those? Alone? The mercs must be REALLY desperate at this point.

Shepard's a soldier, though, she's used to being under fire. Ain't no thing for her to just hide behind some cover and shoot shit out.

I said Shepard was a soldier, not Garrus.

I don't know what to tell you, Bioware just shot Batman Jesus in the face.

Cerberus is pretty good at medical miracles, though, so they take a shot at it ...

We need to pause right here. Even if you haven't played the game, you've probably figured out that I'm not rendering the characters in 100% HD accuracy. Even still, I'm probably butchering turians the most, and even then, out of all the turians, I am fucking Garrus way up.

This is what mofo looks like when he's not being rendered in MSPaint, if you were wondering.

See? That's not a three eared bunny rabbit with a white patch on his face. I can't even fit the face tattoos on the face, there's no room, and MSPaint is not the most delicate of art tools. (Turians have facial tattoos to distinguish what clans or families they're from.) I'm not sure even how long I'm going to be able to keep drawing that bandaid on his face, it takes up a lot of precious face space.

As much shit as I give Bioware, and oy vey it is a lot, their art team has to be the best on the planet. Whatever the hell they're paying those guys, they need to double it. Triple it. I mean, just on the alien designs alone they've proven that they're worth like five times their salary.

Anyway, on with the story. How does Shepard greet her friend? With a chorus of hallelujah, you're okay? With questions about how Garrus spent his time on Omega?

Nope.

I love how there's at least one person out there who thinks I'm shitting. You know you get different, less horny dialogue if you play as dude Shepard?

Aww, that's awful sweet. That's a lovely note to end our Omegan odyssey on, don't you think? Hey, next time, I'm thinking we'll --

FOR FUCK'S SAKE CUT IT OUT

NEXT TIME: I DON'T KNOW STRAIGHT HUMPIN OR SOME BULLSHIT GOD DAMN

The Hero Omega Needs, But Not The Hero It Deserves Right Now

Shepard's been dead two years, are we all going to pretend that technology hasn't advanced since then? You know she encountered at least one omnitool upgrade that blew her mind.

THIS IS YOUR WARNING. IF YOU HAVEN'T COMPLETED THE ARCHANGEL MISSION, DON'T READ THIS POST!

Remember how I promised I'd write around some spoilers? I can't write around this one! Just join us next time, okay? Promise me you'll turn back if you haven't found out who Archangel is yet!

All right, Brother Tim is all up about this one guy named Archangel, so let's go talk to him. Who the hell is Archangel, anyway? He lives on Omega, so Aria probably knows.

Reckless and idealistic? Huh. I guess that makes him decent enough for a suicide mission, then.

What, was it two updates ago that we learned about the only law Omega has? Archangel decided a while back that he'd clean up Omega by getting a team together and fighting all the bad guys. Of course, though, he pissed off the three major mercenary bands on Omega, and now he's in some deep shit.

Archangel is literally the hero Omega needs, but not the hero it deserves right now.

Aria doesn't care one way if he lives or dies, but Shepard does, so Aria points him to a freelancer mercenary recruiting station. Shepard can go, pretend to freelance, then infiltrate the whole operation and bust Archangel out.

Seems legit, let's go talk to the recruiter.

You get an extra bit of dialogue if you were smart enough to play as girl Shepard.

Not actually sure why you all follow this blog at this point.

So Team Shepard takes a cab to where the mercs are gathering to take on Archangel. Here, have a map, shit will make more sense:

So, Archangel has holed himself up in a building. He leans out a window and snipes mercs, and he's good at it, too. There's only two ways into the building: the basement and the bridge, and the basement's blocked off. The merc bands are hoping to funnel zillions upon zillions of freelancers over the bridge to either tire Archangel out or see if they can actually break through by sheer numbers.

They've tried other means, too. They even sent a gunship after the guy, but he managed to disable it!

Okay, so, huh. Reckless, idealistic, good with snipers, damn near genius at technology.

The Merry Band of Shepards are instructed to find Sargent Cafka, but first, they wind up talking to the leaders of the three major merc bands.

You can understand the damn plot just find if you only know that 'there are merc bands'. Hell, that's all I knew about anything before I had to go back through this for MSPixel. Let's go through them, though, just because there's going to be one obsessive weirdo who'll get mad if I don't tell you how to differentiate Eclipse from Blood Pack.

The first group you meet up with is the Eclipse.

That's the Eclipse leader Jaroth, there. The Eclipse are mostly salarian guys with bumblebee looking armor.

I have written in my notes that the leader of the Blood Pack is turian, but the wiki entry has them as krogan and vorcha, which makes more sense. You know, politically. Why the hell would krogans and turians work together? Krogans are still bitter over that whole 'genophage' thing. So I don't know, enjoy the random turian there.

When you go see the leader of the Blue Suns, their leader is all tore up about shit, so you have to go see the second in command instead.

I'm pretty sure the Blue Suns are the biggest (remember them from last entry?) and employ all the aliens.

Hmm. Idealistic reckless sniper good with technology lady killer. Shit, is Archangel the same person as Shepard? I feel like I've met the sumbitch.

Anyway, let us now attend to Sargent Cafka. He's off working on a mech!

You actually have the opportunity to electrocute him and disable the mech, but I can't. Paragon fo lyfe.

So, Shepard and the freelancers start over the bridge. What does Shepard do?

Instantly blow our fucking cover. You tried, honey, you tried.

Shepard kills the freelancers and works her way right up to Archangel.

If you haven't played this mission, I'm serious, last chance! Do NOT go on!

Good! I'm kind of looking forward to meeting our turian idealistic reckless sniper good with technology lady killer friend here.

I'm not playing, that is actually factually yes indeed Garrus Vakarian.

But you all FUCKING KNEW THAT because everyone reading at this point has played the mission! Right? Jesus I hope none of you were stupid shits and spoiled yourself.

Damn, though, Garrus watched Shepard die. That must be quite a shock to the system! Don't you think he'd ask how she came back, or what it was like to be dead, or did she really die, or ... ?

Nope.

They just flirt shamelessly instead.

Children, this is Mass Effect, a story in which we must always take the horniest path through everything. That dialogue about Garrus ~shooting~ Shepard isn't a metaphor at all. Not in the slightest.

fucking horny ass game

NEXT TIME: Maybe we'll find Tali under the next helmet!