Citadel: Brother TIM

Remember when the keepers were going to be important? Oh how I laugh.

Anyway, we're trying to hunt out Anderson.

I like to think it's here.

Don't forget, we always blue option out TIM. Or red if you prefer, but you're getting blue.

Citadel: THEY DID NOT.

So sure, I've played a bit of Mass Effect lately? But real talk, I've been ate up with Splatoon. I get into one major shooter per console generation, you see. I'm sure you can guess what my obsession was last generation. (Fallout.)

It's just that I have trouble switching between games and platforms.

So when I was trying to play Mass Effect for this update, I couldn't get it under control. I was so chronically bad at it that I was laughing my ass off.

Real talk, I keep trying to dodge roll out of splattershot range and it keeps not working.

Okay, shutting up about Splatoon and going toward the Normandy. Let's run!

Do you not love the idea of Shepard having to sit through preflight checks? Like, this music is playing:

And this crap is going on:

Looking up that song, I found this. The crap we find on the Internet.

Shep and the Shepettes duck into the Normandy's loading dock, and I'm sad that they missed an opportunity to do an ME1 style loading screen.

Along the way, guess who we cross?

(Cough cough.)

I love how totally casual Wrex is in this scene. Anyway, let's break in to the Normandy.

What the fuck.

ARE YOU STRAIGHT FUCKING WITH ME. THAT WAS A MASS EFFECT. AND THEY USED IT. IN THE PLOT. IN A TANGIBLE WAY.

BioWare ACTUALLY addressed my biggest complaint with the series. Holy hell. Holy holy hell. I can't. I can't. I need to sit down. I'm very surprised Shepard didn't just have sex with the door to open it. That's what it would have been in Mass Effect 2.

"Bean, that's insane, they use mass effects all the time." Look at the above panels: do you notice anything weird? It's weird looking to leave 'mass effect' uncapitalized, because it's a video game title, not, say, an improper noun referring to a phenomenon that ONLY FUCKING OCCURS ONCE IN THE ENTIRE TRILOGY.

Look, all I'm saying is,

Citadel: Ey Yo

This is your daily reminder that Mass Effect is the horniest game ever printed on disc.

Anyway, we're still booking through dem archives.

Always a good sign.

"Wow, Bean, that's weird that they keep including scenes where Shepard has to scan her hand to verify her credentials, and it's weird that you keep including every single one of those scenes." It sure is.

I love Shepard. You know what Shepard tries to do next?

Just ... that makes total sense to her. "Huh. Unwinnable scenario. Time for pistol!"

OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH NO SHE --

Yeah, no, the Mass Effect Foundations series? Totally spoils that plot point. Today's fun activity corner is going back through the MSPixeled Foundations comics and seeing where I wrote Brooks out.

Another fun fact about Brooks:

So let us consult the dialogue wheel as to what to do next.

That's really in the game, PS.

Brooks has a lovely cutscene outlining why she's the bad guy: she stole Shepard's spectre codes at the sushi restaurant, she shot the casino owner before we had a chance to see him, so on, so on.

OG Shep best Shep, but Clone Shep is not a bad Shep. Anyone who agrees with me about EDI is good people.

Clone Shepard walks over to a console.

\

Clone Shepard speeds off, and the, uh, capsule thing Shep et all are trapped in zips off and locks itself in a vault. The vault is visually stunning, allow myself to shit it down my leg.

The umbrella line may be my favorite line in the game, but "Nobody steals my ship, not even me!" might be a good second.