Roll Up to the Archives

Before we start today, do any of you play Animal Crossing? I'm down two villagers, and if any of you have a bunny rabbit moving out, holler at. I'd also take a jock, lazy or snooty villager, but I REALLY want a bunny.

... what? I may as well ask!

All right, fine, let's move on from a game I probably actually could draw to Mass Effect. When we last left our heroes, they were rolling up to the Prothean Archive on Mars.

If you'll recall, Vega totes loves Shepard 5ever, so he chews Ashley out right here.

Hey, this is a sci fi story. One of you check the ducts and see if anything's going on in there.

... actually, think about it. We're on Mars, at the Prothean Archives. Can you think of who we're about to run into?

Liara apparently spent her six months perfecting the double tap.

We're going to think about two things: number one, this is a far cry from when we first met Liara. Aww, baby doll's come a long way from getting stuck in caves.

Second: Notice how Liara's introduction points out how she's a total badass? Hey, let's compare character introductions!

• Liara: Wow, Liara, you're so cool, you can cast biotics AND shoot the fuck out of some guys!
• Shepard: hey hambone put down the fucking fork oink oink

I'm still mad. I'll likely always be mad. We're going to be keeping count, by the way, of who gets rad introductions.

Hey Liara, we've got questions:

During the Mars sequence, Liara says this ten thousand times. You're just going to have to forgive me if I don't MSPaint every instance of it. The lady is really excited about this weapon thing.

Liara's just brought up one of the main plot points of Mass Effect 3: what the hell is the final solution to the reapers? I mean, this is a trilogy, we're running out of games here.

I have no idea why Shepard doesn't ask:

All right! So we've got Ashley, Shepard, Vega, Liara --

Fuck. Hang on. We can't have four guys, this isn't Dragon Age. Shepard solves the problem by ordering Vega back to the shuttle.

We can totally party if you thought that was funny.

Do you notice we have three girl party members now? Oh my God, speaking of Chrono Trigger, that sequence on the Blackbird where you can first choose your own party? Little kid me INSTANTLY put Ayla, Marle and my favorite 5ever Lucca all in one party. It was the first time I ever got to play as all girls. My tiny nine year old heart could barely contain itself. It's one of my favorite video game memories ever.

Okay, so anyway, to get to the actual archive section of the archives, we've got to get to the pedway. While Liara's typing on a console, some video comes up.

BACK THE FUCK UP. Eva Core?! You guys, there's a reason I make you pay attention to all the media.

There's an AMAZING Chrono Trigger joke I could make here, but damn, what a spoiler it would be. Just imagine it ~in your heart~.

As they go along the pedway, Shepard et all overhear this conversation.

Well fuck me, I've played enough RPGs, I know what to do here.

... what the hell? Try it for yourself, the air doesn't vent! The vaccuum should kill all the baddies! I thought for sure that would work. I'm shocked, Bioware is really good at programming that sort of stuff in.

Okay, so we're going to have to go after the Cerberus bros the old fashioned way.

Meet the guardians. They have shields that you can't shoot. There's some way to shoot through a hole in the shield, but pfffft. Vanguard. Hit that fucker with a dose of pull.

Okay, now use overload.

...

OF COURSE WE'RE GOING TO USE CHARGE. What the hell else do you do in this game?!

NEXT TIME: let's use marksman how about that one

yeah lift grenades