Friday, July 18, 2014

The Geth Dreadnaught: Gerrel Shot First

Okay, come on. We're almost off. Let's get it.

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Sassmaster Legion. Or perhaps Legion-Sassmaster?

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The next portion of plot, while important, happens all over the comm system.

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So the only thing I really know to do is do it up 1990s sitcom style:

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Naw, this is happening, Gerrel's about to shoot us clean out of the galaxy. See why I labeled him "Casey Hudson levels of ass" in the diagram?"

Does anyone notice that this is a common pattern in the Mass Effect series? This conversation happens at least once per plotline:

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It kind of puts me in a weird position as a parodist (and really, that's all we're all going to care about, is me): on the one hand, yay, dumb shit, but on the other hand, it kind of looks like I'm lying or straw manning Mass Effect. Really? Nope. You go fact check me on YouTube, Gerrel does exactly what I'm saying he does here because "why the hell not."

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... oh my GOD, Bioware writers, SO CLOSE. Of course the geth wouldn't have escape pods, they're fucking robots, they don't need to escape from anything, they just back themselves up to the cloud or whatever.

WHY THE HELL, THEN, DO THEY HAVE FIGHTERS? And why does a physical geth unit have to fly it? Couldn't they just network into it?

My xbox controller can connect wirelessly to the xbox to play a game, but a geth remotely controlling a fighting ship IS A STEP TOO FAR, SIRS.

Naw, fine, whatever, let's get on that fighter and get back to the Normandy.

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Shepard has one hell of a space skype conference with Hackett.

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I love that scene, because the game straight up acknowledges that it's being cray.

Anyway, let's see what the admirals are up to.

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Shepard, of course, has a reasonable and even-keeled reaction.

I think there were a few of you who were waiting for this scene? Welcome to the only renegade interrupt I ever take.

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Naw, that's what happens, Shepard cold cocks Gerrel in the ball pit.

Shepard punches a guy in the balls. "Hey, Bean, why is Shepard your favorite character again?" Yo.

"Bean, I don't believe you." Then let us turn to the magic of YouTube!

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... I think that implies that Han'Gerrel could stay on the Normandy if you hadn't damaged his sack, but I don't know what he'd do other than provide flavor text. Maybe. I know he doesn't give out any missions.

Literally no one knows the answer to this, because every single person punches that fucker straight in the coin purse.

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You want to talk 90s sitcom? Here's your 90s sitcom: She's a quarian admiral, and he's a fully functioning mobile AI unit, what wacky hijinks will ensue?

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