Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Citadel Dates: The Cybernetic Asshole of Victory

Do you know that it hit me yesterday that I missed my Han Shot First joke last time? I am so not a Star Wars person.

Remember how I said that you get little, uh, "dates" with your squadmates, and they all tend to unlock at once? Guess what I got!

I actually got this before the Dreadnaught, but after Omega, I was kind of desperate to make the plot move forward. Hey, let's see what's going on on the Citadel!

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"Wow, Bean, it's almost like you've never had a tattoo before and have no clue what a tattoo gun looks like!" and other things you've said today.

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I have no idea what Vega's talking about. Okay, so there's war, and like chaos and shit, but ... I mean, there's a whole N7 school in Rio di Janeiro. They're not gonna go, "Well, fuck it, just follow Shepard around for a few weeks and we'll hand it over."

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Oh, this fuckwit makes me mad every time he opens his horny mouth.

Although, Shepard handles it in the world's most perfect way.

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do you know how proud i am of that drawing of shepard

Vega reacts like any man would.

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Did you know you can go hang with Jacob? I was shocked too. Let's go hang with Jacob.

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Ey yo, I work with kids? Let me explain you a thing: name your damn kid a name. If it's a noun? It's not a name. Ideas are nouse, PS, not names. If it's a last name? It's not a name. If you spell it wrong? It's not a name. The letter Y cries itself to sleep at night because of what white people have done to it.

Like, just ... just don't fucking do that to your kid. They'll have to put that shit on a resume some day, okay?

My friends get pissed at me. Whenever they have kids, I'm like, "YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES, TED OR SUSAN. THOSE ARE THE NAMES YOU CAN NAME YOUR KID. THAT LIST IS EXHAUSTIVE."

And while I'm yelling, don't name your kid Braden, or Brayden or Braedyn or any variation thereof. Every Brayden I've ever known has been a holy terror. Don't go trying to slip Jayden past me either, every Jayden I've ever known has been, like, too dumb to be considered lucid.

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Hackett Taylor. Hackett Taylor.

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Let's go visit another space pal.

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Javik was born after the fall of the Citadel in his cycle. It would have been considered beyond impossible for any Prothean to set foot on the station. And yet. He's kind of having a feel.

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Have we talked about the hanar? I think I've gotten this far and not said a word about what a hanar is.

Bioware smartly realized that not every alien would be mysteriously human shaped. Part of their solution to this was the elcor (which we discussed a million years ago, I remember that one), but the other part was the hanar, big shiny jellyfish fuckers who worship the Protheans as gods.

It's an entire race of Liaras.

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NEXT TIME: the two citadel dates you all were looking for anyway

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