The Docking Tube

Strap in, kids, we've got a geth dreadnaught to roll up to.

I'm being a little cute: husbando~ tweeted me something that I didn't know before.

So Shepard's there to, uh, look good, I guess.

Anyway, let's hop in the mass relay and see what's going on around the Perseus Veil. (Which, by the way, is the correct answer to last entry's question.)

Dang, gurl, it's a rare day when the Normandy rolls up to a big ass space battle like that.

The game insists upon Tali, so we get to bring one other squadmate. It's a good idea to bring a tech person to deal with robots, so Garrus or EDI are good pics. ... damn, I wonder if EDI had any good dialogue on the geth ship?

Fuck her, let's pick the character that isn't an abomination unto our lord. Shepard et all stand in ... I think it's supposed to be the Normandy airlock? We haven't seen that since Mass Effect 1. Remember when they actually used to decontaminate people? Now they're just all like, "WHAT THE HELL EVER SPACE HERPES COME ON IN".

This actually happens in the game, ps.

Why do the geth have docking tubes? What would they need to dock with? Other ships? Why do the geth need ships? They're fucking robots, the vacuum of space isn't going to bother them. What are they going to do, suffocate?

And why did the geth secure all but one tube? Did they just forget about that tube? They're robots, how do they forget anything ever?

Shepard borrows a pair of magnetic boots from Spike Spiegel and heads out into the docking tube to ... secure it. Whatever that means. I thought it meant "shoot up all the enemies," but there's no enemies in this section. My second guess was "tie it to the Normandy using duct tape and bungie cords," but she doesn't do that either, so I have no idea what we're securing.

Of course I'm from the south, why are you asking?

The docking tube is visually stunning, allow me to shit it down my leg. It's mostly made of debris. Why is it made of debris? Did the geth cobble it together out of some bullshit? Is it derelict? Are they shitty at construction? If they're this shitty at construction, how'd they build a whole dreadnaught?

The logical leap from there would be, "And then how did they overthrow the quarians?" but I think anyone with a couple of toothpicks and a hard sneeze could take care of that.

Toward the end of the tube, the docking tube breaks off the dreadnought.

So Shepard goes inside and discovers that --

Why do the geth need gravity?!

Anyway, she's able to open up the tube and get everyone in.

And so we enter a combat section.

There's an easter egg in this part of the game. Let's pretend you played as dude Shepard. You're going to have to pretend real hard, because with the helmet on it's hard to tell them apart.

Let's also pretend you did the do with Tali.

"God damn it, Bean, that's nasty." I know! It gets better!

EDI will come over the loud speaker. EDI WILL COME OVER THE LOUDSPEAKER.

I don't like Vega much, but I do like that he's the only character that has the correct reaction to alien sex. (Javik will say that two different species copulating is pointless, but he lacks the "aww hell that shit is gross" that Vega brings to the table.)

Point being, this game is fucking horny.