Wednesday, July 2, 2014

SCOREBOARD

I am giving you double MSPixel today because it pains me physically to spend that much time on Mass Effect Foundations.

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Wasn't there a plot or something to attend to? And a main character?

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What? Cereal is an important part of any Mass Effect experience.

All right, we've got to get to the war room. Ladies and gentlemen, the admirals.

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Do you need a primer, because you can't keep your quarian admirals straight? I sure as hell do. From Tali's trial:

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Raan is the easiest to remember, because she's Tali's aunt. We'll be screaming Gerrel's name later, so keep him in your back pocket.

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(Why does Shepard say this line? The hell makes her think she's had quarian support? I don't think there's even been a quarian in the game until this point.)

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"Why Bean, what a clever parody!" Naw, this happens in the game, this is the plot of this section.

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This is the way this is presented in-game. Ask yourself:

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Which is it, where did the geth pin the quarians?

I mean, some of you know, so hush if you do. Whatever answer you came up with probably has to do with whether or not you buy the kool-aid Bioware's been peddling.

They've tiptoed around it a little, but it gets hot and heavy in this section, so we may as well deal with it now. One of the major themes in Mass Effect 3 is: "What is life? Can synthetic life be alive?"

Husbando~ and I differ greatly on this issue.

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We're just going to have to be clear before we go on: no, fucking no, the fucking robots are not alive, they are not sentient, and I give zero fucks about any sort of argument to the contrary, because they are wrong, because AI is not organic life. I don't care about how cute you think your robot buddy Legion is, I don't care about your fucking feels about EDI and Joker, that shit is nasty, they're not alive, nerp, heels in the ground.

Don't think I'm going to Christmas Carol my way through this either, all, "Why, maybe they CAN coexist and I've just undergone character development!" I'm the fucking narrator, I don't develop as a character.

I pick the blue stuff through this section because I want the points but I don't like it.

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Really, Shepard? The whole quarian fleet doesn't have a ship that can navigate in, but the Normandy can. Okay. Sure.

One of you's going to be all, "But the Normandy's a frigate, they're small ships!" Do we really think the quarian fleet doesn't have small ships?

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Three guesses, first two don't count.

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Does anyone else feel like poor Shepard is way under-ranked? "Hey, go command the flagship of the Alliance and negotiate lasting peace between two warring species while altering their DNA, commander."

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