CAMP CHRONO: Sassy Home Cooking!

Ooo, gurl, that cook's in such a snit!

But still, we've got soldiers to feed!

You can stop playing today once you finish the bridge.

CAMP CHRONO: Heckeran's Cave

Okay so this is probably the dullest part of the game. Let's get it done in one day.

Still a hell of a part.

Well? What? Am I wrong? Even Spekko says he's soulless!

that miiiiiiiight be the last time i try to draw robo

Anyway, feel free to save once you're out of Heckeran's Cave.

Citadel Dates: The Cybernetic Asshole of Victory

Do you know that it hit me yesterday that I missed my Han Shot First joke last time? I am so not a Star Wars person.

Remember how I said that you get little, uh, "dates" with your squadmates, and they all tend to unlock at once? Guess what I got!

I actually got this before the Dreadnaught, but after Omega, I was kind of desperate to make the plot move forward. Hey, let's see what's going on on the Citadel!

"Wow, Bean, it's almost like you've never had a tattoo before and have no clue what a tattoo gun looks like!" and other things you've said today.

I have no idea what Vega's talking about. Okay, so there's war, and like chaos and shit, but ... I mean, there's a whole N7 school in Rio di Janeiro. They're not gonna go, "Well, fuck it, just follow Shepard around for a few weeks and we'll hand it over."

Oh, this fuckwit makes me mad every time he opens his horny mouth.

Although, Shepard handles it in the world's most perfect way.

do you know how proud i am of that drawing of shepard

Vega reacts like any man would.

Did you know you can go hang with Jacob? I was shocked too. Let's go hang with Jacob.

Ey yo, I work with kids? Let me explain you a thing: name your damn kid a name. If it's a noun? It's not a name. Ideas are nouse, PS, not names. If it's a last name? It's not a name. If you spell it wrong? It's not a name. The letter Y cries itself to sleep at night because of what white people have done to it.

Like, just ... just don't fucking do that to your kid. They'll have to put that shit on a resume some day, okay?

My friends get pissed at me. Whenever they have kids, I'm like, "YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES, TED OR SUSAN. THOSE ARE THE NAMES YOU CAN NAME YOUR KID. THAT LIST IS EXHAUSTIVE."

And while I'm yelling, don't name your kid Braden, or Brayden or Braedyn or any variation thereof. Every Brayden I've ever known has been a holy terror. Don't go trying to slip Jayden past me either, every Jayden I've ever known has been, like, too dumb to be considered lucid.

Hackett Taylor. Hackett Taylor.

Let's go visit another space pal.

Javik was born after the fall of the Citadel in his cycle. It would have been considered beyond impossible for any Prothean to set foot on the station. And yet. He's kind of having a feel.

Have we talked about the hanar? I think I've gotten this far and not said a word about what a hanar is.

Bioware smartly realized that not every alien would be mysteriously human shaped. Part of their solution to this was the elcor (which we discussed a million years ago, I remember that one), but the other part was the hanar, big shiny jellyfish fuckers who worship the Protheans as gods.

It's an entire race of Liaras.

NEXT TIME: the two citadel dates you all were looking for anyway

CAMP CHRONO: Johnny, Be Good!

Y'all like racing? Play Mario Kart. The trick to beating Johnny is more along the lines of hitting the turbo at the right moment.

Meanwhile,

Oh I've only made that joke in MSPixel seven thousand times, fair's fair.

You can stop playing and save today when you get lectured about time kompression or whatever the hell it is Gaspar goes on about. Visit Spekko today or tomorrow, it doesn't matter to me.

... I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't post this.

Chrono Trigger: Fuuuuuuuuture, Fuuuuuuuuuuuture~

The hell is this? There's no flying cars!

This section got a little hard to divide up, but it shouldn't be too long for you. Once Lucca gets the computer working, watch Future YouTube, discover how we all partied when it was 1999, and then save your game.

CAMP CHRONO: Portal Did It Second

You can pick whichever way you like to get out of jail. I usually just wait, but if you're a jail breaker, go for it.

Hi, I just drew video game sacriledge.

You can stop playing today once Crono et all hop through a portal.

CAMP CHRONO: Trials and Tribulations

Back to the future! Or the present? It starts to get really muddy in this game.

Phoenix doesn't do a very good job in this section. Should have gone with Naegi, I guess.

You can save today when Chrono gets his new room.

CAMP CHRONO: This Got Past Nintendo of America's Censorship!?

In the 1990s, Nintendo of America had incredibly odd censorship rules. Alcohol in a video game? No bueno.

Shooting snake nuns in the face and running through a cathedral full of spikes, flames and skulls? That ain't a thing.

Lucca, don't be rude! Frog's one of the greatest video game characters in history! Along side you, of course.

FULL DISCLOSURE: Lucca, Crono and Frog are my party. This is my section.

You can stop today once you find the real Queen Leene.

CAMP CHRONO: Marle and Crono's Excellent Adventure

Lucca sure screwed up this time! Now we have to fight monsters with no party members.

I love Marle's scene in this section. It's an example of good minimalistic story telling in the SNES era.

Anyway, once Lucca joins you, you can save. You can fight through the forest today or save that one for tomorrow, it doesn't matter to me.

CAMP CHRONO: Good Morning!

Good morning, campers! Let's start with the most iconic opening in video game history.

Okay so maybe there's one more opening that's more iconic.

(Did you know the official Chrono Trigger website is goodmorningcrono.com? I had no idea. Good move, Square.)

Anyway, today's section is the beginning of the game. Obviously. Go to the fair, pet a kitty, drink some soda, do some underage gambling and grab a lunch if you feel like it.

Today, you can save after Lucca's experiment goes wrong.

The Geth Dreadnaught: Gerrel Shot First

Okay, come on. We're almost off. Let's get it.

Sassmaster Legion. Or perhaps Legion-Sassmaster?

The next portion of plot, while important, happens all over the comm system.

So the only thing I really know to do is do it up 1990s sitcom style:

Naw, this is happening, Gerrel's about to shoot us clean out of the galaxy. See why I labeled him "Casey Hudson levels of ass" in the diagram?"

Does anyone notice that this is a common pattern in the Mass Effect series? This conversation happens at least once per plotline:

It kind of puts me in a weird position as a parodist (and really, that's all we're all going to care about, is me): on the one hand, yay, dumb shit, but on the other hand, it kind of looks like I'm lying or straw manning Mass Effect. Really? Nope. You go fact check me on YouTube, Gerrel does exactly what I'm saying he does here because "why the hell not."

... oh my GOD, Bioware writers, SO CLOSE. Of course the geth wouldn't have escape pods, they're fucking robots, they don't need to escape from anything, they just back themselves up to the cloud or whatever.

WHY THE HELL, THEN, DO THEY HAVE FIGHTERS? And why does a physical geth unit have to fly it? Couldn't they just network into it?

My xbox controller can connect wirelessly to the xbox to play a game, but a geth remotely controlling a fighting ship IS A STEP TOO FAR, SIRS.

Naw, fine, whatever, let's get on that fighter and get back to the Normandy.

Shepard has one hell of a space skype conference with Hackett.

I love that scene, because the game straight up acknowledges that it's being cray.

Anyway, let's see what the admirals are up to.

Shepard, of course, has a reasonable and even-keeled reaction.

I think there were a few of you who were waiting for this scene? Welcome to the only renegade interrupt I ever take.

Naw, that's what happens, Shepard cold cocks Gerrel in the ball pit.

Shepard punches a guy in the balls. "Hey, Bean, why is Shepard your favorite character again?" Yo.

"Bean, I don't believe you." Then let us turn to the magic of YouTube!

... I think that implies that Han'Gerrel could stay on the Normandy if you hadn't damaged his sack, but I don't know what he'd do other than provide flavor text. Maybe. I know he doesn't give out any missions.

Literally no one knows the answer to this, because every single person punches that fucker straight in the coin purse.

You want to talk 90s sitcom? Here's your 90s sitcom: She's a quarian admiral, and he's a fully functioning mobile AI unit, what wacky hijinks will ensue?