SATURDAY POST: Why is Deception So Bad?

So we've started Deception, and it is shitty. But why?

"Well, it's got a bunch of canon mistakes in it," everyone always answers. I mean, that's true, it does. Here's the thing you can't see through me MSPainting Kai Leng giving the finger to the Trix Rabbit: it's just full stop a shitty book.

If you strip out all of the stuff that's Mass Effecty, it's still a shitball. It's poorly written. I would willingly believe this was a draft that got published, both because Bioware obviously didn't fact check it and because it has moments when it's almost incomprehensible. I had to read whole passages out loud to decypher them, and Husbando~'s skin would crawl any time he had to overhear it.

Since I'm reading on my iPad, I'm able to screenshot awful passages and present them to you. Here, this is a good example of the rest of the book:

... you know, I'm not a good writer, but I think I can edit this into something more readable:

Atmosphere was rushing out, taking anything unsecured with it. A batarian pushed a hatch open, causing the suction to grow more intense. When both crews opened fire, they found relief from the sucking, even if they had a new problem to worry about.

Gillian couldn't hear any gunfire thanks to the vaccuum, but the orders coming over the comm were clear.

That's not great, but it's a shit ton better. That's without me adding any details, too. ("Gillian saw a batarian grab a hatch in her peripheral vision. She braced herself, knowing that the suction was about to increase tenfold.") I actually considered a contest where we all take a shot at rewriting a section of Deception, but how would we judge? Anything any of us come up with would be better!

Sometimes the writing is just dumb for a fifth grade level book, much less one for adults:

Imagine yourself right now sitting in front of twenty-five kindergarteners reading that on cardboard pages. "That was very surprising, because McCann was dead!" you'd say in your best Mother Maggie voice, verbally inserting a comma where there was none.

Deception, by the way, got plenty of heat for the numerous typos within the book. I promise I'm not one of those "EVERYTHING MUST BE TYPED TO MY HIGH EXPECTATIONS" sorts you find on social media, the ones who get their panties in a wad over the Oxford comma, but there's some shit in this book that I learned not to do in the fourth grade:

1. And, Like, and Because do not start sentences.

2. I get that you can use sentence fragments sometimes, especially when you're a blogger with a smart mouth writing colloquially, but come the fuck on.