Okay, so before we start, I realized something: McCann told Gillian that The Illusive Man killed Paul Grayson, right? Okay, but hang on. This is the passage from Retribution where Paul dies:
Anderson killed Grayson. Cerberus had jack all to do with it. I guess maybe Brother TIM turned Paul into a reaper, but Gillian's looking for the guy that killed Paul. She never said anything about reaperized. What I'm saying is, one of the book's sub plots is about chasing after a fact checking error.
Okay, so TIM calls up Kai Leng and tells him that Gillian's after him, which is true, and that Kai Leng is to travel to Omega to hunt her out. Maybe it would be more efficient to email Gillian a copy of Retribution?
Meanwhile, Nick, who's mixed up in a group called the Biotic Underground, robs a bank.
Not to be one-upped, Gillian goes to Afterlife, then gets in an argument with Aria's assistant Immo. While they're bitching each other out, some krogans invade Afterlife, and Gillian zaps them all biotically.
Kai Leng watches the commotion from an apartment.
... an apartment he stole.
An apartment he stole and pissed in.
This happens in the book, this is not parody.
Look at that image. It is a metaphor. We are currently tied up and watching Kai Leng pee on things.
Gillian gets exiled from the quarian fleet, but apparently it's no big, because Cory Kim from the Biotic Underground comes around and scoops her up. OH BY THE WAY, Kim and Kai Leng? Totes used to fuck. Of course they did. Why wouldn't they. I bet he peed on her. Anyway, Kim introduces Gillian to Nick and Kasna Vas Kathar. Are there quarian biotics? I don't think that's a thing? I guess it's possible. They tell her that this pendant thing she has is a USB stick in reality. They also reveal the Biotic Underground's master plan: they're going to Pinky and Brain it all the way to the top. To prove themselves, they want to take out a major organization, but can't think of one. Gillian suggests Cerberus.
So Kahlee, Anderson and Hendel arrange a meeting with Aria where they strike a deal: Aria's got a bounty on Gillian, but she agrees to demand Gillian alive in return for access to Paul's hard drive. (Apparently Kahlee has access to Paul's hard drive because he emailed it to her before he died?) Oh fuck, you guys, you could not pay me to to through someone else's hard drive. Think of the porn you'd find. Aria gives no shits, hacks a gibson, and gets to Paul's files anyway. The files say that Kai Leng killed Liselle, so Aria decides to find --
Wait, hang on. Let's go back to Retribution for a second.
A nameless Cerberus agent killed Liselle. He's dead. How the fuck much are we going to put on Kai Leng? He's kind of coming out this smelling like a rose!
Anyway, Kai Leng goes into a bar -- I swear that's not a joke! -- and orders a honzo. THERE we go, a honzo is a drink! I guess. He also orders a bunch of Mexican food, but doesn't get the chance to eat it, because Aria has the place stormed. Kai Leng runs out, and straight into Cory Kim.
Actual exchange from the book.
Gillian's with Kim, so she pops Kai Leng with a dart and knocks him out, then they pile him in a van and drive off to the Biotic Underground's lair.
Kai Leng wakes up in the Biotic Underground's jail, which is perfect because this gives him time to flashback to that time he knifed a krogan.
Mass Effect nerds got pissed off at this scene, since krogans have extra organs, therefore it would be really hard to kill one with a knife. I ... stick with me here, I think there's a scene you should probably be madder at.
Anyway, that knife fight? The Alliance sent Kai Leng to a super dank nasty prison ... but all he did was knife a krogan. Shepard killed like a billion batarians and she gets to chillax in a super nice brig? Anyway, that's how he got into Cerberus, a recruiter visited him in jail.
The Biotic Underground sends a ransom note to Brother Tim, demanding ten million for Kai Leng's return. He decides to pay it because he's got more money than sense.
And then, this happens.
I mean, the book says the other caller Dor Hana, the not-actually human councillor, but no, this is the scene, the plot calls and ask what the fuck with the corpse.
This is another major problem with Deception, there's several plot threads that don't matter or never resolve. I'm leaving out several sub plots, like Nick's girlfriend, or Kai Leng's handler Mott. Speaking of Mott, Deception also has a trillion characters that either come and leave the plot prematurely (Ken, Ken Hobbs) or stick around even though they're not needed. The Biotic Underground is a huge offender here: it could get along with just Cory Kim, but there's also Zon, Lem, Sallus and Kathan, all totally auxiliary.
Actually, you could safely cut Anderson, Kahlee, Hendel, Nick, maybe TIM and definately Aria and still have a decent novel overall. The only parts that matter are Kai Leng and Gillian chasing each other.
Deception made me realize something: I can bitch all I want about Bioware, with its Casey Hudsons, Mac Walters and Drew Karpyshyns, but the game stories are tight and delightly free of crap.
You know what? Since I'm on my soap box, there are a lot of pages wasted where Scene A will occur, and once the scene switches, Characters X, Y and Z will spend 20 pages trying to find out all the shit that the audience already knows happens in Scene A. Like so:
Hendel decides to stake out a biotic repair place and also doesn't pee in anything. Nick strolls by and Hendel tails him all the way to the Biotic Underground.
The next scene is Hendel busting in on Anderson and Kahlee eating lunch and telling them the whole previous scene. Why? We, the audience, already know all this shit!
Back at the Biotic Underground, Kim decides to spring Kai Leng, because they banged surprise, she's a secret Cerberus agent! They escape, and Kai Leng's captured and taken back to the Biotic Underground, so that was nice.
Hendel, Aria's assistant Immo and some random fucker named Pa-dah crawl through a vent because this is a science fiction story.
Hendel then starts toward the Biotic Underground lair.
Hendel kills Marisa, another canon fodder character who Nick liked.
So Nick kills Hendel.
He then gets toasted by some random off-screen character.
That's okay, because Kahlee manages to find him before he dies:
Willian C. Dietz is the master of the double tap.
(I kind of suspect Dietz was told to kill off all of the novel characters. You can probably forsee where this is going.)
So anyway, Gillian's trusted to make the final hand off and give Kai Leng to TIM. But Gillian's pissed that TIM didn't kill her dad.
But her biotics don't cut it, so, uh?
Fuck! He's a hologram!
Kai Leng takes this opportunity to Polish Hammer Gillian, all Jim Kirk style:
I want us all to read the next line of Deception together. When I first crossed it, I had to read it a few times, just because it was so surreal. I mean, it's ...
It's ... uh? Okay? What does that mean?
This is the climax. Brace yourself.
Kai Leng had fashioned a toothbrush into a shank and managed to stab Gillian.
Nope. Surprise. Ta daaaaaa. Gillian died from a toothbrush to the leg. I threw my iPad.
WHY. WHY THE FUCK. A TOOTHBRUSH. WHY ARE MORE PEOPLE NOT PISSED OVER THIS. THE ENDING TO A MASS EFFECT THING IS BAD. FLOW INTO THE STREETS. IGNITE A COUCH. I'd trade the krogan stabbing for maybe killing Gillian off by, I don't know, Kai Leng's sword? A gun? Biotic blast? A toothbrush is insulting.
oh wait I get it it's because he eats all that sugary cereal isn't it
The book has an ending, something about the council seeing video of Paul getting reapered and burying Hendel, Nick and Gillian on Eden Prime, but I don't give any more shits about this book. I can't.
Also, none of the characters EVER find Paul Grayson's stolen corpse. Gross.
Don't read this book. There are reasons to read the first two, but this book? I don't know how you spend your days, but there's something else you could do besides reading Mass Effect Deception. You could learn a skill! Learn to knit! You could drink some water, hydration is important! It makes you poop, pooping is healthy. Read to a blind kid! Just don't read them Deception, they didn't ask for that.
We have one. Last. Piece of media. I'm dying, but secretly? This last one is my favorite.
NEXT TIME: Something good.
... obviously Kai Leng's gonna kill someone with a water pick.
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