Mass Effect 3: Welcome To The Best Worst Thing

I know what you all came for. I'll get to the ending! I promise!

Um, so. Mass Effect 3 is infamous for its ending, for its ending is shitty. See, though, before we end, we have to begin, and ...

... um, I'm going to posit something, and you just sit on it for a second: the beginning of Mass Effect 3, while not as shitty as the ending, is incredibly shitty in its own right.

Mass Effect 3 was huge for Bioware. How huge are you thinking? Huger than that. Hugerer.

See, Bioware had never really had a big AAA release before ME3. Had they made great games before? Of course, let us only look to Jade Empire and KOTOR. Had they made classic games before, ones that we'll remember forever in the annals of video game history? Children, it's called the Bauldur's Gate series.

But the very release of Mass Effect 3 was a big damn deal. There were launch parties! I didn't get to attend one, but I got to watch the California one streaming: Brandon Keener sitting in a chair and looking like he wished he was anywhere but a Los Angeles GameStop is an image I soon won't forget. Do you notice how much of the media we just covered was an advertisement for ME3? Arrival was made just for ME3. Bioware was working hard.

So what does a great game need? A great beginning! Sure! Why not. What could we include in the beginning of our great game that would be, uh, great?

You know what? Let's start with a great opening line. YEAH. That's an idea! A great opening line of dialog! Call me Shepard, a screaming comes across the sky, Garrus, light of my life, fire of my loins, something spectacular. But what should such line be?

Hey! I know! Bioware advertised heavily that you wouldn't need to have played Mass Effect 1 or 2 to enjoy 3. What's the one thing that you would want to introduce to an audience that wasn't around for 1 or 2?

Okay, you guys, hear me out: what if we had a great opening line that introduced Shepard? Of course! We all like Shepard! She's kind of an important character! Hmm, let me pull some out of my ass:

• Wow, Shepard, it sure was brave of you to save the Citadel from the reapers!
• Shepard, since you took down the collector base, you have valuable experience with reapers, collectors and Cerberus. We need to consult with you, 'cause you're so smart.
• We need a valuable military asset Shepard, someone with experience doing [insert something background specific here, like being a war hero or a colonist or something]

Okay! All of those are a little rough, but you know what? I'm not a writer, not like our hero Mac Walters, who by the way wrote the beginning and the ending to Mass Effect 3. Let's see what Poet Laurate Walters came up with.

The opening scene is Shepard and Anderson walking down the hall of Alliance HQ, Shepard fresh from the brig.

Well, that's nice, but … wait! A hyphen! The line isn't over yet!

Huh. Okay, that wasn't on my list, but I'll take it, I guess.

So anyway, Shepard and Anderson continue down the hall –

Hang the fuck on.

It's ... I ...

... Bioware, honey. What?

Are you legit serious? This is how we're starting our game? I ... no. No.

I'm digging my heels in here and insisting that this is the worst opening line in any video game ever.

And the TUMMY PAT. Adds a little Mad Men sort of spice to it, don't it! Oh my God, and Anderson just goes there, and Shepard's got this total D: look on her face while she squeezes herself and aww damnit. Don't a one of you try and tell me "oh hah they're just fucking around because they're friends." I don't talk to my friends that way! Mostly because I don't have the stones and also they'd sit on me!

But … I mean … fuck. Look. Let's start comparing this shit to other games. I'm going to start random pulling games out of my ass.

• HALO 4: oh wow the spartans are so cool you guys, they're totally a necessary evil
• SUPER PAPER MARIO: oh wow mario you're so cool you've got to go save the princess
• KINGDOM HEARTS: oh wow sora you're so cool you've got the power of friendship or whatever the fuck I hate that game and didn't pay any damn attention
• HARVEST MOON: oh wow you're so cool you're the only guy who can plant carrots and shit to save this fucked up dry heap of farm
• SEAMAN: oh wow you're so cool you gotta hatch these fish eggs and then explain to your friends and family that you're playing a game that sounds like semen
• MASS EFFECT 3: FUCK YOU FATTY WHERE'S MY TRUFFLE SHUFFLE

"Oh, but Bean, that's not entirely fair," you say. "Compare Mass Effect 3 to something a little more similar than some random grab bag games!"

Okay.

• KNIGHTS OF THE OLD REPUBLIC: oh wow you're so cool what with your jedi shit and all you go get them siths buddy
• JADE EMPIRE: oh wow you're so cool you're the last of the spirit monks so that's rad
• DRAGON AGE: oh wow you're so cool you can drink the blood out of this cup you go ahead and be a gray warden buddy, you grab that brass ring just for me
• MASS EFFECT 3: HEY HAMBONE WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE BEN OR JERRY

"BEAN!" you scream at your monitor, to great effect, since that works on the Internet, "That's not fair! Dragon Age and Mass Effect are very different games!"

Okay.

• MASS EFFECT 1: oh wow shepard you're so cool we should totally make you a spectre candidate oh look at that you're a spectre now 'cause you're cool
• MASS EFFECT 2: oh wow shepard you're so cool oh whoops you died welp time to spend a butt load of cash and two years resurrecting your ass cause you're totes that cool
• MASS EFFECT 3: YOUR MOMMA'S SO FAT SHE STARRED IN THE MASS EFFECT SERIES

You know what's good? Here's what's good: This is totally in character for Anderson. And now, children, a reading from Mass Effect Revelation (the first one):

I have been dying to share that one with you. I've been dying for over a year.

... normally? I'd never bring this up, because this is a lot of textual fussing on my part, but it is secret sharing time. You have to promise me you'll use this information for good instead of evil.

Have you ever had that one thing that you find funnier than anything else on this planet? You know, something totally stupid, inconsequential even, but damnit it hits you just right and it makes you laugh really hard every time?

That line is mine.

I know it makes me an ass, spare me.

It's just so damn BAD! I can't help it! HOW DID YOU EVER EVEN THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA, BIOWARE. HOW.

But seriously, I'll never forget the first time I heard this line.

It gripped me. I swear. And you know how it is, when you're about to laugh harder than you've ever laughed, and the world gets just a little whiter for a split second, and you can feel every air molecule entering your lungs before you lose it?

husbandoistiredofmyshit.jpg

You totally lose it, it's gone, and you drop the controller, and you roll out of the chair, you're on the floor, and fuck it, you're fucked, nothing will ever be okay?

When my friends first found out about MSPixel, they pretty much had the same universal reaction. First, "you nerd," then, "how the hell are you going to draw Jack?" and finally, "How are you going to get around The Line?" Because it's become The Line in my circle, because my jackass friends say it whenever they want to totally disable me. Sometimes they text it to me. Sometimes husbando~ hides my phone because one of my jackass friends texted me that I'm lookin' a little soft and he needs me to be able to function, damnit. He is beyond sick of my shit. I can't help it!

And, um, normally I'd keep my mouth shut, for I fear tumblr, but this is important: I have no idea what happens next.

No really. I laugh through the entire intro. I ... um, I think Vega and Ashley have a conversation, and Shepard and Anderson walk, um, somewhere, but after that, I don't know shit.

“Hey, Bean, isn't there a dialog option in there?”

This is how I have to handle it:

I have no idea what “up” is. I'm going to pretend Shepard decks Anderson for being an asshole.

So if we're going to look at MSPixel at some sort of preservation project? I've shit it down my leg, because I can't get it together long enough to figure out how this damn game begins.

Sorry I screwed it up. I know I am a giant ass. You can't make me feel any worse about it, I promise. Let's just go on. I'm usually able to pick myself up off the floor in time to see Shepard in some sort of Alliance HQ chambers.

... I'm not sure why any of this is going on, just roll with it.

I'm pretty sure this is what goes on in England 100% of the time.

FUCK ME, YOU GUYS, THEY REAPED JOHN BARROWMAN

Oh wow! Good news, kids, Shepard's got a plan! She's really smart and good at fighting reapers and stuff, she'll be able to tell us what to do!

GOOD NEWS KIDS THAT'S OUR PLAN EVERYBODY GO HOME

You know what I like about the beginning of Mass Effect 3? It shits itself and rolls in it. Everyone wave hello to our fat, stupid protagonist, Commander Shepard!

... fuck, you guys, is that a thing? Quick, look out the window.

REAPERS FUCK FUCK THOSE ARE REAPERS

AND THEY ATE JOHN BARROWMAN THEY KNOW THE TASTE OF FLESH WE ARE FUCKED

Did you know? Alliance HQ is in Vancouver, Canada, because Bioware is so fucking Canadian that they piss maple syrup. In the opening, you can see important Vancouver-ey landmarks that apparently survived into the 2100s. You know, if you knew anything about or gave a shit about Vancouver. I could look up some of the landmarks and tell you about them, but I'm not winning a Pulitzer for this shit so let's just move on.

... do the reapers know they're attacking fucking Canada? Like, did they do exactly zero research on Earth? If I'm going to hurt the whole earth, I'd probably start at the UN or something, or maybe smash an ice cap and let the oceans flood? I mean, there are literally zero things in Canada to give a shit about. Then again, London's gone, maybe they're just running out of shit to reap?

Or maybe they saw the ending to Mass Effect 3.

So anyway, the reapers are all like,

A reaper then strikes Alliance HQ. It is visually stunning, let me shit it down my leg for you:

Mercy hell why do you even come to this blog?

Okay, so, while Shepard's laying on the floor bleeding and shit, our old pal Anderson dictates the plot of Mass Effect 3:

NEXT TIME: Can you believe this is going to get even worse before it gets better? Oh, poor Shepard.