Big Trouble in Little Vancouver

All right, if you're not too fucked off at me, let's go.

Take a brief moment and try and guess why before we go on!

Yeah, legit, ask Jenkins and Wilson how well this works out.

Jenkins, Wilson, Daveth, Jory, Bethany, Carver, Jing Woo, Gorion ...

Alright, so Anderson decides to risk it, I guess, and we're thrown out into the tutorial level.

You can put points into powers at this point! Hey, MSPixel Hivemind: help a sister out. When I first started up Mass Effect 3, I swear I could put points into powers for Anderson, but when I started the game up for my MSPixel playthough, I couldn't do anything vis a vie his powers. Did Bioware patch that out?

I wouldn't be surprised. The game will switch Vega into Anderson's party slot later, they probably occupy the same place in the code or something. Very 1990s RPG programming.

This conversation really truly happened in our living room the first time I played:

... I can't ever see the damn text on the screen, I have to stand up to look at the TV like a damn old person. I'm far sighted, damnit. I shouldn't have this problem!

iamstillabadperson.jpg

Husbando~ still to this day claims that he was in the right because weight reduction would reduce the recharge time on charge, and I still to this day claim that Husbando~ is being a dick.

All right, fine, let's tutorialize.

See, because we've played three games now, and still don't know "use the stick to move forward".

Hi! Please wave hello to Commander Shepard, our fat stupid protagonist who can't aim a gun!

This happens, Anderson stands around and taunts Shepard while husks creep up on their ass. You know you can't use pull here? Man, I was tossing pull around like a boss and Anderson was still yelling. Why? They were dying, weren't they?

Take a deep breath before you go to the next panel.

Sorry, didn't mean to kick you in the PTSD.

One of the criticisms of the Mass Effect series were that the NPCs all looked the same. Specifically, why didn't the galaxy have any children?

Oh hoh, said Bioware.

(Actually, they probably said "hoh hoh," since they're Canadian and that's sort of Frenchish.)

This is the third and last child in the series when we consider all the media, Gillian Grayson being the first and my best friend April being the second. You remember this little nameless bastard's face, he'll make you want to kick balls later.

Hi, everyone! Please wave hello to our protagonist, Commander Shepard. When that fat idiot isn't busy missing the broad side of the barn with her gun, she's sitting around talking to random duct work.

Anderson and Shepard continue through the debris out onto a ledge.

Ey yo, can I get a plot summary from one of you?

Perfect.

Just then, Shepard slips on some debris.

You get used to this shit, "Shepard falling down" is pretty much the plot of Mass Effect 3.

USELESS TRIVIA TIME: If you play as broshep, Anderson will grab Shepard by the chest. If you played as the correct Shepard, Bioware realized that that would way too much like Anderson trying to tittygrab Shep, and changed the animation so that Anderson grabs her by the waist instead. I would call him a gentlemen if only.

So this happens, actual dialogue:

What in the hell does that mean? Shepard owes Anderson for what, calling her a fatass who can't shoot? And what's this "more than one" shit? What is that, even, I don't get it. Let's try that again.

Tadaaaa.

I seriously thought I could tie this up in one entry, but sadly, no. Let's pick up next time.

NEXT TIME: Just sittin' on the dock of some famous bay. ... as famous as anything in Canada is.