E3: GRAB YOUR HAT, PAUL

I WEAR TEN HATS BEFORE BREAKFAST, PAUL.

I have laughed about Paul for a solid year.

Speaking of, it's time for another Limited Edition MSPixel, where I take on Video Games Eurovision E3, that special time of year when major companies try to talk me into a next gen console.

Let's not lie to each other, the deciding factor will be, "What does Mass Effect 4 run on?"

The first press conference was Microsoft. Actually? It wasn't totally humiliating. A first in E3 history! They mostly had some putz step on stage, say, "Watch this," and showed a trailer. Which isn't a bad plan, it seems like E3 magic tends to happen when you ask programmer nerds to perform.

Boring? A little. There were games I'd play, but nothing that made me jump in the car and drive to the local Gamestop to throttle an employee until he handed me an xboner.

Hey, guess what they started with!

No, really, the only thing missing from the Call of Duty trailer was big ass reapers in the skyline. Lie to me, tell me I'm wrong.

It heartens me that any time there's space and shooting, people start shouting, "Shepard, Shepard, the reapers!"

They showed a cool Assasin's Creed game, it's multiplayer now. That's neat. It takes place during the French Revolution.

... maybe they don't have a French language expert at, um, Ubisoft. Moving on,

Forza, honey, stop doing a thing.

Oh, and they showed Fable 3! They didn't let Peter Molyneux talk, though, which saddens me. I love him so much. He is my Peter Molyho.

Point being, Fable 3.

What. What. Who else looked at that island and wasn't like, "Damn, that's the Myst Island?"

And when they said, "It takes place on Albia," or possibly Albian, I didn't hear that well, who else was like, "Oh, so it's the same world from Creatures?" No one, that's who, because I'm the only living human being who remembers Creatures.

I think I saw most people excited about the indie montage, but we only got to see three seconds of some really cool games. Fuck it, we'll all buy them in humble bundles anyway. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention:

Sunset Overdrive, which people are excited about because it has actual colors in it. (I'm looking at you, Call of Duty: Citadel.) I'm scared it won't be as good as people are thinking it will be. It has a shit TON of style, though.

Get surprised, there was Halo in piles. Microsoft announced the Halo: Master Chief Collection, Halos 1 - 4 in one collection for xboner. The big thing from that is that 343 has changed none of the code from 2, to include the multiplayer. Old school Halo 2 multiplayer? Thank you!

oh and halo 5

Okay, so don't lie, all of you showed up to see me draw the EA conference. Why?

Because Bioware is giving away a free cellist with every purchase of Dragon Age!

My least favorite Bioware property and my least favorite instrument, together at last.

Look, I know fuck all about Dragon Age (I played 1 and hated it), but were they ... were they tossing mass effects at that dragon?

I know I say this all the time, but Bioware, honey, no.

What is it, cello girl?

COME ON, BIOWARE. SHOW ME THE SHIT I'M GOING TO BE MSPAINTING NEXT YEAR. DO IT.

It began as a low roar, an idea, a small rumble among the peasants.

But it passed on, from mind to mind, and it grew.

And it became a battle cry, a call of the people, and it echoed from Heaven itself:

GOD DAMN IT BIOWARE WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT.

Bioware announced that Mass Effect 4 exists, which is something we already knew. It's being developed by the Montreal studio, which makes me nervous, because Montreal has never developed a whole game on their own.

Okay, stay with me, I have a theory: Bioware said that Mass Effect 4 will have "dynamic worlds," and you'll be able to play with friends. (I think they said something about the story evolving with friends?) I bet you cashmoneyrecords ME4 is the MMO that we all knew Bioware was going to make if they decided they, you know, liked money. Bioware Montreal also started Mass Effect Team Assault before Edmonton took it over, so they kind of have experience with that sort of thing.

Bioware also announced that they were working on a new IP, and then everyone got surprised. Really? You all really didn't think they were making a new IP? Were you also shocked when they announced Halo 5? Hey, I bet there'll be a new Mario game at some point.

You can watch the whole trailer here if you want, but seriously, it's not much.

Anyway, the rest of the EA press conference was all,

And the entire Internet was like, "Who even likes sports game?"

Sorry. Husbando~ is part of the problem. You shoulda seen him sit straight up when they said Madden.

They ended it with Battlefront: Los Angeles Police Department.

You think I'm kidding?

Like, it looked fun, if you could get over the fact that the LAPD was fucking bombing buildings trying to get ahold of your ass. The game kept saying, "YOU HAVE THE LOOT." The hell is that loot?! The guy's running with it, it couldn't be that much uncut cocaine!

I bet you there isn't a brown face in that game.

...

Um, and then, so.

Like a fool, I went to take a shower. When I came back, I tripped over my laptop cord and sent water all over it.

The laptop is having a lot of problems right now (water on the screen, half the keys on the keyboard don't work). Unfortunately, I need it for any more MSPixel drawing. So, uh. Husbando and I are trying to fix it, but until then, I can't do any more MSPixel.

Depending on how fast I can get something working, I might bring you more E3 tonight. I've got a special surprise planned for tomorrow, one that doesn't require my tablet to work, so that's good too. Until then, if anyone has any ideas on how to fix my water-logged laptop, please reply!

Or, even better, if you know how to get my tablet working on Husbando~'s Ubuntu machine, I'd take that advice too. I can get the tablet to point, but it won't left click, which I need if I'm going to draw.

gdi i don't want to buy a new laptop

i was gonna get a vita damnit