Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Special Edition MSPIXEL

"What the hell, Bean!" you scream at the screen, indignantly, because you talk to your computer (or tablet or phone) frequently. "It's Tuesday! You only exist on Wednesday and Friday and sometimes Saturday!"

Oh, children, it's E3, also known as Video Game Eurovision. I LOVE E3. Sure, they show games and stuff, but I just watch it for the trainwrecks. This was a good year for them, too! We learned many new words this year at E3, such as:

  • drivatar
  • girlwood
  • bouncetek
  • levelution

You can go to other blogs, blogs with like reputations and shit for news. This blog has shitty art. I MSPainted E3.

IS YOUR BODY READY?

Let's do the Microsoft conference, in which we learned that Metal Gear Solid has real time horse ass physics, and Master Chief wears cloaks.

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Microsoft made many stunning announcements!

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They showed car porn, like actual straight car porn, and then brought both a car and a white dude on stage to announce Forza.

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they said that

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Microsoft also proved that it has the sensitivity of a mac truck.

No really. They decided to demo Killer Instinct (why the hell are they remaking Killer Instinct?) and it ... it wasn't good.

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This happened. On stage. Actual quote.

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No, this really honestly happened, and I want us all to know that Microsoft thought it was a good idea to make rape jokes on stage during their press conference.

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... and then upload it.

The Battlefield presentation went well.

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That was a lie. Someone got fired over that shiz, I bet.

At the end of the conference, Microsoft announced that their XBox One will be avaliable for Five Hundred Real Honest To God American Dollars. Um, that's a little steep, Microsoft, honey, especially with that whole 'no used game' thing you all can't make your minds up on.

By the way, the English price for that fucker is £429.99, or $670.57. England, shit, I apologize. That's miserable.

Bioware nerds everywhere were excited for the EA conference because they lack the capacity to learn they were gonna say stuff about Dragon Age! Okay! Let's get the EA conference started!

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That happened. That really happened. Oh my GOD it cracks me up any time Bioware does A Thing. They're just so happy being their Biowarian selves, and they do it unapologetically.

I know like 75000 of you are going to ask me about Dragon Age. I hate that game, remember? I saw the trailer, but I have no idea what I was looking at other than wooo Game of Thrones woooooo. There wasn't any gameplay, I suspect Bioware was just giving Tumblr something to make gifs out of.

Well, I lie, I recognize one thing.

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Morrigan's back! Hey lady!

Ubisoft had a demo that made me laugh like an asshole for the whole day. Now the game they were demoing, Skyrim: Cars The Crew actually looked pretty good, but THE DEMO!

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Don't do illegal races, Steve! Don't do it! #girlwood

Yeah, by the way, we're all saying #girlwood after everything now. I have no idea why.

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Actual quote. #girlwood

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COME ON, PAUL, STEP IT THE FUCK UP. TAKE OFF THE DAMN HAT AND SHOW THEM YOUR TRUE POWER, PAUL. #girlwood

Fun fact, when Paul removes his hat, you can find the original source code to Jam Sessions. #girlwood

The Sony presser, was, well.

They took a few direct punks straight at Microsoft.

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Ouch, son. Shoulda heard the cheers after that one. That was pretty major after everyone got mad at the XBone conference when Microsoft announced no used games because the device was always online. Sony's being pretty clear here: fuck Microsoft. Surely Sony wouldn't --

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Shit! Shit! You should have heard the Internet exploding with "FINISH HIM!" and "TWIST THE KNIFE!"

But what the hell could they do to --

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FUCK. FUCK. FUCK ME RAW LOOK AT THAT!

That's kind of the final blow, kids, Sony does what Microsoft xboned. The Internet lit up, the audience cheered, and Amazon put the PS4 up for preorder, which millions of nerds jumped on. Holy shit! Holy shit, there's no way they could top --

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CRUNCH!

Look at why that's significant: That's $670 in England versus $546 in US dollars, rounded. We're all over here partying over a hundred dollar difference, while theirs is $124.

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Boom, pop, there it is. Pretty much everyone's predicting a Sony blowout at this point. Me, I'm hoping they put Mass Effect 4 on PS4 so that I can continue to deliver quality entertainment.

... or WiiU. When the hell is that thing going to get a price drop?

Anyway, thanks to everyone who tweeted with me and tolerated me on Twitter. I'll see you tomorrow for more shitty art.

Before I go, let's have a moment of zen:

oh snap

2 comments:

  1. I'm not saying I don't love Nintendo. I'm saying I hate Microsoft. Not recently, I mean over a decade and a half. I get Logitech mice and keyboards just cause I can.

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  2. The pressers of E3 were epic in every way, depending on the company, level of fail, and just good old awkwardness of people speaking on stage that just shouldn't speak on stage...but Sony. I'm one of the million nerds who dry humped the Amazon-pre order button as soon as I possibly could click on it, haha, and I do not feel one ounce of regret. Except the waiting for DA: Inquisition and ME4, whatever they decide to do.

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