Grunt Does What Uvnek Krant

When last we left our heroes, Grunt was staring in a Judy Blume novel while I wondered why in the hell I didn't just give up and paint Final Fantasy XIII. Or a Japanese hentai game. I could be drawing that pigeon game right now, you guys, it would be rad.

Different squad mates will react differently. None of them will react correctly, ie: setting themselves on fire in a desperate attempt to leave a world in which this horse shit actually comes up in video games, but they'll all have a little line.

I don't know why I remember Jack's so well, it may be because it's so out of place for her. Garrus, however, wins the Best Line in Mass Effect 2 Award with his offering:

Okay. Rite of passage. Got it. There shouldn't be any --

Oh GDI Uvnek, we need Grunt to quit harrasing the urinals in the men's room! Just let us do this!

Wrex of course handles this with all the kindness, compassion and wisdom that got him to the respectable place of leader of Clan Urdnot.

See, because krogans have four balls.

Wrex says to go see the shaman. Sure, let's ride. Hopefully no one will interject anything horny between here and there.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE EDI, what!?

This is the horniest fucking game.

When we roll up to the shaman, Uvnek and buddies are already there shitting everything up for us already.

okay sure that's not creepy

Ah, Jessican Chobot, who hopefully will never come up again!

The next entry is long as hell, so we have to cut short.

NEXT TIME: We fight something that totally isn't phallic at all.

Saturday Post!

SATURDAY POST

I've held this one in the pipe a while. Let's do a giveaway! I really should do more of these:

I want to give away this scarf while it's still cold! It's made from 100% acrylic yarn (because I'm allergic to wool), and pretty nice.

Err, the contest is just for the scarf. I get to keep my dressform.

Here's how you win:

• Leave a comment below telling me how you follow MSPixel. Remember, there's three ways to do it: @MSPixelBlog on Twitter, mspixel on Tumblr, or by clicking over to your right and using your Google account to join the site. You must follow MSPixel at least one way to win! Your comment must include your username (ie: I follow you on Tumblr and I'm so-n-so) so I can check to see if you're telling the truth. Liars will be disqualified.
• You must comment before Midnight EST on March 2nd.
• At midnight, I'll use a random number generator to pick which comment is going to win.
• If you win, I'll contact you via email if you provide it, or if you don't, via tumblr/twitter/whatever you DO leave me with. You'll have 24 hours to email me a mailing address so that I can get your prize to you!

If the winner doesn't email me within 24 hours, I'll pick another winner, and if that person doesn't email me in 24 hours, you get the idea.

(If you follow MSPixel on Tumblr, you might recall seeing that I'd do a tumblr-only giveaway if I hit 100 followers. I just hit that number, and I have to make something for you all, so keep your eyes out!)

Anyway, good luck to you, and get to entering!

Are You There, God? It's Me, Grunt.

(Do you not hate this? This happens to me all the time.)

That's not a horrific galaxy map, if I do say so myself.

By the way, that does happen in game, you do get penis enhancement emails. Why? Because this is the horniest game they make.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make it worse.

I apologize.

mspixel.jpg, right there.

OKAY, so THAT'S going on the Normandy decks?! Fuck. Who knows more about krogans than another krogan?

EDI, set a course for Tuchanka, we need to talk to Wrex. Wrex, fix our krogan!

Fuck. My. Life.

No, this is what's happening right now. This mission could have been anything. ANYTHING. Like, looking through old krogan ruins, or something to do with the unique flora and fauna of Tuchanka, or ... hell, I'm just pulling this shit out of my ass. If I were, I don't know, a professional writer that was getting paid for this shit, I could probably do better.

But nope. Nope. This is what we went with, because Bioware can't get their hands out of their pants, is that our little Gruntie Boo is growing up and getting hair in weird places and popping boners at inoppertune times. I always wondered if Jack had to lock herself in the bathroom during this sequence.

Do you remember a long while back when I said that there was a point when the writers said, "Fuck it, fuck everything, we're going full tilt horny, here we go, dicks out and hearts full!" Here it is. Right here, pop, from this point on, pretty much everything we're going to be seeing has some sort of sexual tint to it. Hell, it's mostly alien sex, because this is a sci fi story, and if you're not having sex with an alien, you're having sex with a -- well, y'all just wait, we'll do that one too.

Since it fits in with the theme, I'm going to repost a comment Care made on my Biowarian mess last post:

I don't know if Mass Effect is really hornier than Dragon Age... in DA you can have sex with your LI (repeatedly) every time you go back to camp. The cut scene only plays the first time, though.

Which, GDI, I did not know that.

Either way, there is only one correct reaction to all this horse shit.

NEXT TIME: I reconsider my life choices.

I should have MSPainted Ice Climbers. Ain't nothin' sexy about Nana and Popo.

The Only One I Left Out Was Sonic Chronicles

When you left me last time, I had lost my mind and written Dragon Age/Mass Effect crossover fanfiction. Let us now come back to the Citadel and witness the hell I have unleashed upon the world.

Old joke.

Do you love my store doorway? You love it, quit lying.

I won't spoil it, but I went and read the ending to Dragon Age. Then I read it again, because I could not fucking believe what Morrigan suggested as a solution. I cursed the heavens for Bioware and their horny ass story telling, then went and told my husband, who cursed the heavens for Bioware and their horny ass story telling. I don't think the overall story of Dragon Age is quite as horny as Mass Effect, but when it tries to catch up to its Blue Lady Fucking Simulation cousin, it tries HARD. You know you can get a scene where your characters have a foursome for the hell of it?

You know? Let's run screaming back to Dark Star.

I promised I'd talk more about the Joining, didn't I? The short version is, this guy named Duncan hands you a cup of blood and you drink it. If you don't die, then you're a grey warden! But this is Mass Effect, no reason we can't just sub in ryncol.

that is supposed to be a closed fist i'm sorry i suck at paint

Let's catch up with Alistair.

The Citadel's reservoirs are mentioned in the game, but you never get to visit them. Thankfully, through the Magic of MSPixel, I can lovingly render them for you in glorious high definition.

This happens in Dragon Age.

This happens in Dragon Age. I need you to know this.

This is really truly a game mechanic in Dragon Age, you let your mabari piss on stuff. It raises his stats. Pee strengthens your mabari.

I apologize for the fact that you had to see a varren piss today.

Let's end this before I do something really awful.

There's one last staple of Bioware games that I left out. You surely didn't think I forgot, did you? It's the most important part!

Had I gotten far enough, I was so planning on doing Leliana. I'm almost sad I didn't, really.

NEXT TIME: Hey let's play The Old Republic Actual real Mass Effect.