The Consort

I'm not going to show off many sidequests, particularly because they're a little boring to watch. We might visit Conrad Verner and the fair lady Al-Jilani, but after that, they don't stoke me so much.

But we're going to do this one because it illustrates a very important theme in the Mass Effect series.

While Shep's tooling about the Citadel, she comes across the Consort's office. Shepard has the same reaction you and I do: what the hell is a consort?

While the Consort's secretary is no damn help, she does offer to let us see the Consort. You know, when she has an opening in four months. Shep's like, "That is some raw bullshit," and just as she goes off, the Consort floats back in and is like, "No, shit, let me see Shepard now!"

So, um. Seeing the consort is ... uncomfortable.

First off, is it not freaky that the Consort and her secretary dress exactly the same? Meanwhile. She's really super flirty and touchy, like "eww eww I need an adult" style touchy. She says something about going to see a guy in Chora's den, so Shepard pries her off, hoses her down, and runs screaming out of the Consort's office.

Shepard finds the turian general inside Chora's Den. Turns out, he's bummed because he wanted to stick his hog in her ass and she's not down with that, especially bareback. Shepard's like, "What the hell, go buy a dirty magazine, your right hand is your best friend." So, once she finishes hosing him down, he thanks her, hands her a datapad (it's the exact same thing as a Kindle, but this is the future, so it's a datapad okay?) and says to go deliver it to an elcor diplomat.

Elcor! They're one of the alien races that Bioware didn't have to design to be able to hold a gun and not break the combat engine's animation. They look like giant ass elephants. Elcor communicate by sending pheromones and colors through the air, but most of the other alien races can't perceive them. So Elcor tried learning to talk. Turns out they're really bad at it -- they speak totally flat, and no one can tell what sort of emotion they might have. Elcor, then, always say an emotion before they continue with their sentence.

Tadaaaaaaaa.

So you go back to the Consort's office. The Consort offers to give you a gift as your reward. See, her whole deal is giving you exactly what you need when you need it, right? Depending on how you go through the dialogue options, you can get --

Yeah, no, hey, that's an MSPaint sex scene. I drew that. I kind of hate myself right now. I kind of hate myself a lot.

I'm not faking either, that's what the Consort thinks you need most right at that moment. Sex. Alien sex. Blue chick alien sex. In our house, those are called 'bloobies,' by the way. Aren't you happy you know that?

While hilarious, this little Mass Effect universe parable illustrates a very important point: the Mass Effect games are the horniest games ever made. I mean, maybe those Japanese hentai games where the guy gets off on chicks pissing themselves are worse, but here's the catch: not by much!

For one, the series isn't even barely shy about alien sex, so take THAT shit, Japan!

Mass Effect 1 tries to keep it reigned in somewhat. I mean, there's only two blue chicks you can fuck in the entire game, that's not so bad, right? Oh, and the constant "krogans have four balls" thing. Mass Effect 2 tries to keep it under wraps, but you can tell that about halfway through the game, the writers gave the fuck up and just let the horny flow like mana. Mass Effect 3 is ... is ... it's special. Oh God. You all wait.