Friday, June 21, 2013

The Invasion Of The Sex Boat

Were you wondering, by the way, what was going on on our beloved Sex Boat while everyone else was going to the Citadel?

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Today's entry is extra long, we've got no time for an opening comic!

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No, really, who the hell would be interested in --

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OH SHIT

THAT'S A FLOATING TURD

WAIT WAIT I FUCKED UP I THINK IT'S COLLECTORS

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Well then. Everyone, welcome to my own personal hell. I get into fights with Siri, I would not do well here.

The game actually lets you control Joker here! That's pretty cool. Actually, my game had a funny glitch in it: right before the cut scene where Joker and EDI converse, my game showed a brief clip of the in-game model of Shepard in her armor standing next to the galaxy map. I mention this because the way programmers get shit to work fascinates me: why did the game have to flip to armor Shepard before Joker? I wish I had an answer for you all.

Anyway, controlling Joker. He doesn't have a gun, he can't shoot, he's not a biotic, and if you'll remember, he's got a pretty bad limp. All you can really do is walk slowly through the Normandy and swear. So, you know, business as usual.

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... I guest wrote the dialogue for this section personally, it seems.

The other crew members keep the collectors off of Joker while he finds a duct and shimmies to the AI core.

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Joker! Joker, NO! Do NOT talk about having sex with EDI again!

... yeah, I know.

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Give me a second, I'm going somewhere.

Mass Effect nerds oft argue about Mass Effect 2: Mass Effect 1 takes us through Saren and the battle of the Citadel, Mass Effect 3 does spoilerspoilerspoiler, but what place in the narrative does 2 hold? Is it really that important to open Grunt's tank and argue with Ashley in the grander picture?

Enh. Maybe. You and I could get mad and argue about how Mass Effect 2 sets up for Mass Effect 3, and if you want to, we can some time.

I'm going to argue, instead, that Mass Effect 2 must happen for the events in Mass Effect 3 to even roll forward. Also? I'm going to argue that this, right here is the single thing that makes 3 even happen.

So boom, pop. Hey Joker, summon a sequel for us.

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Everyone wave hi to the universe's final solution, we just set it in motion!

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EDI! No! No more human/AI sex jokes!

... seriously, stop looking at me like that.

All right, we gotta book to that engine room.

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Since I'm sitting here on high making big bold statements anyway, I'm going to pull another controversial opinion out of my ass and offer that this next line is easily the most important in ME2, if not the series:

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... the fuck is this "Jeff" shit? It was "Mr. Moreau" earlier.

... what does EDI even know about being "okay?"

So, once the shuttle comes back in, everyone comes into the conference room and talks this over like rational adults.

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... okay, I'd probably say the same thing.

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Okay, Jacob is "Mr. Taylor" but we're calling Joker "Jeff" now?! What exactly is this "programming," EDI?

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NEXT TIME: There is only one last thing to do before the final run.

Yup. One last person to do.

2 comments:

  1. I have to admit I'm perplexed why Edi being unshackled is so crucial. Could you explain?

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    Replies
    1. I suspect EDI's full processing potential is on lockdown, and that having herself at max was essential to getting herself out of the Collector zone. I'm further guessing that processing is a vital component to being a full-on A.I. So getting the one was necessary, but it lead inexorably to the other.

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