MSPixel: The Bioware Trademark Sex Scene

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

The Bioware Trademark Sex Scene

This is an Easter egg I missed the first (and maybe the second, I can't remember?) time I played ME2. The window for it is short, you have to go talk to Joker instantly after the collectors.

... I know. I know. Let me live in my delusion until ME3, okay?

Since this is a Bioware game, and Bioware games are fucking horny, the Bioware Trademark Sex Scene is nigh upon us. I figured, instead of devoting an entire entry to Shepard trying to fuck a turian, let's investigate all the sex we could have had, but didn't! Think of it as looking behind doors number 1 and 2 to see what you didn't win. I probably should have done this in ME1, but honestly, those sex scenes are all a little boring. Each ME2 sex scene brings something new and weird to the table.

You all tend to love the horny entries, so let's get this shit over with.

First, let's borrow Eusebius Shepard and see what the ladies have to offer.

Miranda rips off the top half of her jumpsuit in the engine room, trying very hard to make me draw tits (yet not succeeding). I can't remember if there's any dialogue in this scene. I'm pretty sure it's just bra, fuck fuck fuck.

I like to pretend they fuck in the engine room so that Tali can hear.

Jack cries and her makeup runs. Sexy.

Bioware to Tali fans: "trololololol."

I'm not making up for my lack of art skills, either, that's what actually factually happens.

All right, so if you played as the correct Shepard:

Jacob rips his shirt off and parades around. A man had to have written this scene. Does anyone else find that sort of display ... uncomfortable?

It did, however, prompt thousands of fantastically racist nerds to compare Jacob to the Old Spice "I'm On A Horse Guy." Get it? Because they're both black and ripped. (And have facial hair, but I had to look that one up.) Okay, thank you nerds, you are clever, go sit down.

But then, there's also this horse shit, which I cannot explain, so.

Thane comes into your cabin, cries, then punches shit. Who wrote this?!

So anyway, on to --

Don't worry, I'm not going to draw a sex scene between me and him. I almost have some decorum sometimes.

... that's my tablet that I use to draw MSPixel on.

I draw MSPixel with a tablet.

Stop crying.

All right! Fine! One for Husbando~, who I hope is making nachos tonight? Please?

(It is possible that I didn't use Eusebius just to be a shit.)

Okay. So. Finally. Story time: when I first started up ME2, I went to YouTube and just watched all the sex scenes to see whose was the least freaky. Garrus won, but ... I mean, damn. Just ... damn. Here, okay:

Like, first it starts in the shower, because Bioware is trying REAL DAMN HARD to get me to draw tits, apparently. Actually, you don't even see her collarbone. Still, why the hell am I watching her shower?

All part of being a responsible alien sex haver, I guess.

Who the fuck is the wine for? Shepard and Garrus can't eat the same food. Is one just supposed to watch the other get drunk?

... honestly, I picked this one because I didn't have to watch two video game models try to kiss or roll around in bed awkwardly. The head bump suits me fine.

FUN FACT: Bioware had Shepard and Garrus bump heads because they couldn't get a human/turian kiss animated correctly. We cool, Bioware. We cool.