Hey, Mr. Tali Man, Tali Me Banana

Oh man, Citadel DLC has put me so far behind, no joke.

This happens in this game, Mass Effect, The Horniest Of Games.

Before we go on today, I totes want to publish a comment I got from Adrienne Joy, because she explains the quarian admirals better than I can:

Love it! But I'm sad that you miss out how Han'Gerrel sort of comes across as the cool, on-your-side admiral in ME2 only to be the guy you want to (and can, as renegade!) kick in the quad repeatedly in ME3. Koris, on the other hand, comes across as a complete lameface unless you actually hear him out and realise why he dislikes having 1) a human represent Tali and 2) Tali get away with whatever it is her daddy did on the Alerei, and then eventually becomes outright awesome. I think it's a really impressive bit of characterisation for some relatively minor characters!

Honestly, I have trouble telling the admirals apart until we get to ME3, at which point they get really obvious, but I get ahead of myself. Thanks Adrienne! She goes on to say:

So basically just want to record the nuance in case MSpixel really does become the only galactic record of Mass Effect in however many thousand years time ;)

Which just proves that she is my spirit animal.

We did Tali's loyalty last time. Shit, did we ever go talk to her? Let's go talk to her.

Tali! Honey! Honk honk all aboard the horny train, geez! Hose her down!

If you play Lady Shepard, Tali will end her fantasy there. (She'll still come on to Girl Shep, though, which I find interesting.)

Here's the thing, though, if you play Guy Shepard, this path gets so much worse.

I've tiptoed around this, but if we're going to discuss Mass Effect, we can't leave it alone. Sometime between Mass Effect 1 and 2, straight male Bioware nerds decided to be fucking creepy about Tali. I'm not sure why. I guess because she's younger, and it somehow reminds them of ~their animes~? Please do me a favor and never google anything relating to Tali. The fan art will burn your eyes out. If you ever come up with the Bioware Social Network post on what Tali's sweat tastes like, it's a great way to induce vomiting.

You remember that paragon interrupt I told you to remember last time? Where you hugged Tali? Yeah. Yeah. It's okay, go take a shower, I'll wait.

This happened on a smaller scale with Garrus. Garrus fangirls always struck me as sort of harmless, though. They just giggle about animu body pillows and his spunk tasting like Mountain Dew and then get on with their lives.

It's so rad that we're preserving the taste of turian jizz for future generations. MSPixel is important work, you guys.

Back to business, Bioware knows where their bread is buttered. To appease the Tali fans (they call themselves talimancers, don't you just wish you were dead now?), they embiggened Tali's ass made her a love interest. The romance path though, it's ... let's just watch.

... wait, fuck, I need a Guy Shepard. Okay. Okay. I can do this. I'll just draw the default guy, right? Short hair, stubble, scars, square jaw ... I can do this. Okay. Here.

Holy shit why do you people even visit this blog?

You know what? We're going to steal my husband's Shepard. He actually has three -- we'll borrow Eusebius Shepard. Soldier, spacer, maybe war hero I can't remember, fairly paragon, half Canadian half Korean. He actually has two other Shepards: Lysistrata, super renegade infiltrator and Alistair, a sentinel who's alignment has totally left me at the moment. All three of them are Korean-Canadian. Eusebius, Lysistrata and Alistair are all traditional Korean names now. (He doesn't know, by the way, about the other Alistair.)

So, Eusebius:

Hey hey, this I can draw.

In ME1, all three Shepards fucked Liara. I don't think he knows that you can play ME1 and not motorboat them bloobies, I think he thinks that's hardcoded plot. Anyway, as Eusebius progressed through ME2, husbando~ discovered that he accidentally had Jack, Miranda, Tali and Mordin all madly in love with him.

He thought about it for three whole seconds before deciding he was going to cheat on Liara and go dive under dat helmet.

This next panel is not parody. It is actually factually what happens in the game.

True story: he's uncomfortable with the tradition of ladies taking dude's names when they get married (took me for-fucking-ever to convince him that I wanted his name!). This whole MISS VAS NORMANDY business makes him throw up in his mouth every time it happens.

... of course, we're both shitty people, we just wind up calling her Tali'Zorah vas MyCock. HEY OH.

I have left out the little hand game Guy Shepard and Tali play while discussing fucking. I love it, but only because I can run up to him, start fiddling with his hands, and make him queasy each time.

We have a problem at our house, though. It's a pretty bad one. It is as follows:

• I am a turd.
• I can do a pitch perfect Tali impression.

You can guess where this is going.

NEXT TIME: maybe I won't fake a quarian orgasm next time

let's call it a quargasm what do you think