Samara: This is the Horniest Fucking Game.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, our living room.

I'm not! I'm fucking not!

Bioware, err, modeled some ... assets rather prominently on Samara. You know she's got a mole on one of 'em? This is the horniest fucking game, I swear to hell. But look, I'm trying to almost show a modicum of respect, so this is what you're getting.

And you'll enjoy it. (Samara's outfit makes me think of that brief period in video game history during the SNES Golden Age when all female RPG characters wore battle bikinis. See: Celes, Terra.)

Anyway, Samara has a reasonable response to not getting what she wants.

So anyway, Shepard can go all paragon on her ass:

Because Shepard doesn't, you know, fucking leave a blood trail any time she drives through the damn McDonalds what the hell. Actually, I think Samara calls her out on that in game.

Oh, the code! Justicars work by a code, a document that lays out every situation that they could possibly be in and what they are supposed to do. However, you'll notice real quick that the justicar code is written on the same piece of paper that the Prime Directive is, which is to say, it doesn't exist.

Anyway, our detective friend rolls up.

... okay, again, Shepard murders people for sport, no one's ever brought her in. Is it the spectre thing? Is that it? But how is a justicar not on the same standing? We were told justicars embody the highest laws asari have, if they kill someone, isn't it somehow okay in the eyes of an asari?

Is there some sort of card that RPG protagonists just carry around that make them immune to local laws?

Welp.

The game takes you back outside of the murder scene, which I guess is like a double murder now. Hey, remember Pitne For? Wonder what Brother Pitne's up to?

Red sand is a drug in the Mass Effect universe that gives you mad hella biotics. They farted with it in Ascension. Actually, that may have been what they were doping Gillian with, but they never said it directly so who knows.

Man, do you not miss the elevator rides in ME1? I do. Now we're just left to imagine what they talk about in elevators.

Or we're left to draw it out in MSPaint, anyway.

I think we can all agree with that!

As everyone goes through the level, we find an Eclipse merc hiding.

...

Oh chidlren.

An Ardat-Yakshi is an asari who suffers from a specific type of genetic mutation. The mutation only occurs in asari who have two asari for parents ("pure bloods"), which is why asari have such a bias against them. Ardat-Yakshi are sex addicts. They mate with another being (remember, asari can fuck anything), vulcan mind meld with them, overload their neurosystem, and kill them, then search for another being to fuck and kill.

No. Really. That's what we're doing right now, we're learning about sex vampires. This game. This fucking game has fucking sex vampires. Fuck all of the living things on this earth. There is a group of people at Bioware, who -- you think about this, now! -- sat around a table and said, "Hey, this game? It's pretty good, but you know what it's missing? Sex vampires."

My favorite thing ever is when people try and tell me the damn game isn't horny. BULLSHIT. Pull the four balls out of your ears, wipe the turian spunk on your face, AND REALIZE THAT WE JUST ENTERED A STORY ABOUT SEX. FUCKING. VAMPIRES.

I maintain that this is not peak horny for this game. Y'all wait.

This may have been inspired by the fact that I just realized all my asari look like Sonic the Hedgehog.

Letting her go is the paragon path, I honestly don't know the renegade one. Probably shooting her.

Anyway, let's check the computer consoles.

You know? At this point? I'm surprised it wasn't just straight up asari porn.

NEXT TIME: The conclusion, whew.