I can never make Shepard punch al-Jilani in the face, I don't have the heart. What if al-Jilani's kid was watching the news that evening?
I'm not making that up, either, you can clock her in the face Anderson style if you want. Hackett has some, err, slightly different dialogue if you do.
I think, but I'm not sure, that this is where the Bioware Sex Scene comes in if you've been working toward that. Like I said, I play ME1 lone wolf style. My Shepard spends the evening with a dirty magazine and maybe a, um, inappropriate toy.
I just drew that.
MASS EFFECT TRIVIA: The most popular porno mag in the Mass Effect universe is Fornax, a magaine dedicated to cross-species porn. I am not even making it up in the slightest. Mass Effect: The Horniest Game.
Anyway, let's all cram into the cockpit and go to Ilos.
"Bean," you ask thoughtfully, "who the hell is that standing next to Shepard?"
Meet Presley. This is literally the only time in any of the three games that he does anything. Remember the beginning of the game, when Anderson was the captain of the Normandy and Shepard was the executive officer? Second in command? Spock, if you will? When Shep stepped up to captain, they gave Presley the job of second. The only time you're ever even really aware of him is when Shepard leaves the Normandy and a robot voice says, "XO Presley has the deck." You can talk to him, but he's honestly pretty easy to miss and all he does is spout space racism. In ME2 you find out he spent his time creepin' up on Tali. Classy!
He's a really odd addition to the cast, and truly could have been left out. In fact, they could have taken care of the whole thing once and for all by promoting Shepard to captain when she got spectre status and Kaidan to commander and letting him do the XO duties, whatever the hell those even are.
"But Bean, what if Kaidan and Shepard both had to go planet side?" Dude, you must've noticed by now that the Normandy has some fucked up methods of operations. Shepard had to go planet side all the time when she was the XO (Eden Prime?), and when she gets promoted? They send her commanding officer ass right into battle all the time like it's not a thing. Anderson got to stay on the damn ship when he was captain! Mass Effect borrowed enough from Star Trek, it may as well have gone full tilt and sent Shepard, Presley/Kaidan and Chawkwas on every damn mission.
Enough of my bitching. So, Presley's having heart episodes over the fact that there's no good place to land the mako on Ilos. Like, you need ... some meters to land, or something, and they only have, um ... less ... look, I didn't pay attention that hard. Everyone's yelling, Presley's reaching for his nitro, it's a giant mess.
And Joker's like, "No way, dude, I got this!
And Presley's all trying to answer and shit, but he's too busy hyperventilating.
And Joker's like, "No, fuck you, I've got this!"
So Shepard piles the shore party into the Mako, and Joker shoots them out into whatever his impossibly tiny little hole is.
(See, and once again, "Oh, there's something super dangerous to do! Let's take the commanding officer, shove her in the mako, and hope she only dies a little bit!)
Hey! If you're playing the game for the first time, trust my ass on this, do not go to Ilos without a biotic character or two. If you made Shepard not biotic, you dumbass, THAT MEANS LIARA NEEDS TO BE IN YOUR PARTY. Don't half ass it with Kaidan or Wrex.
There's your PSA for today. Anyway, Joker just so happens to dump Shepard right next to the door that Saren is currently going in!
Well shit. Looks like we'll have to find another way into Ilos' ... uh ... thing. Look, if Saren's going into it, it's probably important!
So Shep and the Shepettes go tromping around Ilos. Important to note! Shepard comes across these statues as she's going about:
Ahahahhaha the nerd tears will be delicious. They will make my skin soft.
Anyway, so, eventually they come on this security panel thing. Because this is sci-fi, Shepard activates it immediately without any forethought as to whether or not it would kill her, and the shore party lets her, because who the hell gives a damn if the CO gets killed?
This ... uh, thing pops up. It's a big ass hologram, I guess, but it's scrambled.
The hologram is speaking in Prothean. The universal translator can't pick Prothean up, so all non-Shepards in the party are lost, but Shepard had Prothean beamed into her head by the various beacons that love her, so she totally understands the beacon.
This makes Liara squeeful. Hahahahha, get used to that shit. Bitch loves Protheans.
Either way, the beacon isn't clear. It opens up that door that Shepard and pals needed open, though, so let's go through it!
In the motherfucking MAKO!
As you drive along, you see some glowing pods on the wall. The fuck are those things?
NEXT TIME: The fuck those things are.
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