Citadel: Pilot His Grizzly

Okay, probably I should go on with the Citadel scenes? But holy shit.

You've probably noticed that, when applicable and interesting, I've been adding in the YouTube videos of the romantic scenes in this section. I went and looked up Cortez's and choked.

Like, it starts the same way.

And I assume that Dudeshep also pukes when Cortez turns off the inertia dampeners, so let's go ahead and conjure that image.

What follows is the actual dialog from the game.

YOU FELL OUT OF YOUR CHAIR TOO, RIGHT?

Like, that's what we're all supposed to believe now, that going into trivial shit about the do that you do so well is somehow sexy.

No, no, and here, let me make it better, instead of being like, "So hey, scoot on over here and let me play some pocket pool," Steve just keeps fucking going.

Apparently Husbando~ doesn't know anything, because Shepard and Cortez go back in the back and fuck. I guess they fuck in all the puke. Holy hell this is a weird scene.

I understand that it's just a very unfortunate way that the flag triggers, but ... damnit, do you need to watch it? Here, watch it:

Jeez, that was hard to watch. Thankfully, Ashley has invited us out drinking.

I tell Husbando~ all the time, that's how you can tell who the sexy people are, they actually give a shit about who shot first.

No, actually, I don't intend to stop making Nintendo jokes, thanks for asking!

Look, Kasumi does one thing and she does it well.

Citadel: Cortez

Thanks, MSPals. I was having trouble getting some of the Citadel scenes unlocked. I asked around on Twitter and Tumblr, but ultimately, tersa on LiveJournal got it. I had scenes not pop up because I hadn't completed character arcs in the core game. I honestly thought I had, but it's probably a mix of "I blow through the game fucking fast when I play for MSPixel" and "Holy hell Tali and Ashley's scenes were so boring I totally forgot they even existed." Tali recounts the events of Homeworlds for us, Ashley tells us that her dad likes to grill.

Holy crap, though, Cortez wins the High Maintenance Award. So you go see him on the Citadel at the war memorial, right? He's there mourning his dead husband.

Then, you get an email from him.

But here's the thing, he doesn't show up in Purgatory.

So I went to the Normandy to go see what the fuck.

Oh, cool, I guess I unlocked the scene in --

Oh go to hell, Steve. Back on the Normandy:

Mass Effect 3 is coded with some twigs stuck together with bubble gum. I really think it needed about six more months dev time. As a result, it can be hard to get some scenes to trigger. (Heaven help you if you want Miranda to live, you pretty much have to be a girl.) I knew sometimes scenes will pop if you go complete a misson, so I went to go do an N7 mission.

Naturally I accidentally picked the hardest one, the one in the fuel reactor with all the toxic gas.

Me choking on fumes was what it took to get Cortez to Purgatory.

... you're an ass, Steve.

If you're a guy, this is the part where you can get with Cortez. If you're the correct Shepard, you're not really Cortez's ... type.

That took me the better part of a day. I had shit to do, but no, I spent all that time fucking around with Mass Effect instead. What was the wonderful scene I unlocked after doing this?

Steve takes Shepard on a shuttle ride.

Uh ... dude? Do you not understand why those might be in place?

So glad I did that N7 mission.

Let's check in with some other characters.

Jack isn't allowed to do anything that isn't a metaphor.

Miranda is the best fucking squadmate.

Someone at Bioware has seen Robot Chicken.

Citadel: I Did Not Just

Hi! This entry is probably as not-work-safe as an MSPainted blog can manage. I'm not even kidding, this is the nastiest thing I've ever drawn. This is your warning.

But first, Shepard's mom is calling.

I wonder if talking to Shepard's mother is like talking to my mother on the telephone?

My mother teaches Kindergarten, I promise she's not in some sort of kiddie water sports porno ring.

Samara also wants to visit us.

Samara's kind of a drag when she isn't trying to get her kid laid.

Traynor also wants to visit.

Oh we're fucking doing this.

The 'romance' version of this scene features Shepard in her underwear attempting to kill Traynor in the tub and it is still more G rated than what we're about to experience.

Shepard sort of stands out in the hall with her back to Traynor. Does Traynor need a body guard? If someone was showering in my house I'd probably go downstairs and dick around on the computer or something.

"Bean, is that the nasty image?" Oh you wait.

look i just draw this shit bioware made it

Citadel: Candy!

Let's continue talking to our buddies in the Citadel DLC, such as EDI.

"Bean, this is going to be a very long game if you get pissed every time you see EDI." That sucks for you more than me. (Did you notice Shepard had to go get a beer to even deal with EDI's ass?)

Miranda also wants to talk to us.

We have a solemn memorial for the departed.

Jacob's so damn boring that he wants to play a video game with us while we're, you know, in a video game.

I give him grief, Jacob's actually a good shit talker.

If you did the diddly with Jacob, you can tell him exactly how you feel about him cheating:

(When the kids come up to Jacob, instead of "who are they?" Shepard totally should have said, "Did you father these too?" I just came up with that. Just now. I should have drawn that. Fuck.)

Liara comes over and plays piano.

Grunt parties harder than you or I would ever will.

Jack wants to meet in the Armak Arsenal Arena, the combat simulator.

I'll tell you a story about this scene. I was very fortunate to meet Courtney Taylor, the voice of Jack, at DragonCon 2014. This is what happened:

If you were wondering, this is the scene I was talking about, and this line that Jack says:

Or, so that Google will pick it up the next time you're talking to Courtney Taylor, Jack says, "I am gonna beat you until candy comes out!"