Normandy: The Sex Boat

You really think I was kidding about calling it The Sex Boat, don't you!

Do you remember my theorem that the Mass Effect games were the horniest games ever made? Of course you do. I didn't draw blue tits for nothing, damnit.

One of my goals is to attempt to find the very spot where the writers said, "Fuck it, from here on out, every thing we do is horny." We're not there yet, but it amps up quite a bit in this section.

I'll start with the less horny stuff, though, and work my way up.

I realize the irony of starting with EDI. That's okay.

True facts: sometimes I get mixed up and call Siri EDI. They're like the same damn thing.

Cerberus developed EDI for the purposes Miranda outlined right above. But, still, we're in the 2180s, and AIs? Not really a huggy uggy love thing. Remember, that's how the quarians lost an entire planet.

They never show it, but you know EDI listens just about as well as Siri. I always have to repeat myself like 500 times. She's all, "You have no appointments today!" and I'm all, "I SAID SET A TIMER DAMNIT."

So, how's Joker taking all this?

Oil and water, children, oil and water. Joker's a capable pilot, he doesn't need EDI. He's not happy with her sitting there, watching, and occasionally reporting back to The Illusive Man. Get use to this, it'll only come up like a hundred more times.

EDI keeps making references to functions she has that are locked off. She doesn't know what they are and she can't access them. If Shepard tries to ask anything else?

She really really lights up red like that! It's freaky! Good thing Cerberus knows how to resurrect people, because EDI's going to wind up killing the damn crew in their sleep!

Fuck. That is stressful. We ought to go talk to someone about this. Like ... hmm. I wonder if the ship has a psychologist, Star Trek style?

I mean, come on, what is Mass Effect if not legally distinct Star Trek?

Meet Kelly Chambers, the ship's yeoman/psychologist. I mean, it's a suicide mission we're going on, Cerberus can at least spring for the good stuff. She's very perky and happy to see you and horny as hell.

Aww, I shouldn't have struck that last part out, it's totally accurate.

(I like to imagine Shepard getting constant shit for her neon orange hair. I mean, come on, it's neon fucking orange.)

Speaking of pretending things about Shepard, I don't mean to impose a sexuality on your Shepard (you know, if you can bring yourself to give that big a shit over what dialogue options you pick for your video game character), but I'm going to go ahead and highly recommend you flirt with Kelly for Mass Effect 3 purposes.

Oh Shepard! Oh you, what with your inviting the ship's yeoman up to your cabin to do things in the shower! I bet that won't happen again!

Now, let us shift focus. The first time I played Mass Effect 2, I felt pretty bad for Shepard, because she had to, um, keep herself amused during the Bioware Trademark Sex Scene in ME1. Poor girlie. Well, hell, we can get a little som'som' this time around, right?

Jacob's a damn sight nicer than Kaidan anyway. I mean, he's better looking, anyway. Also? He doesn't spend every waking moment creeping up on Shepard. Let's try this.

ahahahahah you guys do not do this

Let's talk game mechanics for a second. Were this a traditional Bioware game, every time a character spoke, the screen would flip to a black bar view. The character's dialogue line would appear in the top black bar, and if the game wanted input, you could pick a line of dialouge for Shepard/Wu/Warden/Revan to say.

Mass Effect premiered the dialogue wheel. Now, during cut scenes, you'll see the camera show the NPCs, possibly over Shepard's shoulder, while the dialogue appears at the bottom.

When the game wants input, it will show Shepard's face (usually at an angle for some reason) and a dialogue wheel that you can pick stuff off of.

Generally, the paragon/light side/way of the open palm option is on the top and the renegade/dark side/way of the closed fist is on the bottom. (What the hell is it called in Dragon Age? I've totally forgotten.)

In the old games with the black bar system, since the lead character wasn't voiced, you had to assume that the entire line was what the character said. The dialogue wheel in Mass Effect only shows short phrases. Once you pick it, Shepard will say the full line. This might have to do with the fact that I'm pretty sure Shepard is the first Bioware hero to be fully voiced, but don't quote me on that. I may have made that up.

Okay, so, if we were talking to Jacob:

Okay, fine. This is a Bioware game, if I want to get in that jumpsuit, I've got to pick paragon options. Bioware characters don't fuck dicks. (Wait, what did I just say?) All those options look pretty innocuous, but the upper option is likely the most paragon, so let's roll with it.

UM.

THAT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT FROM HI, SHEPARD.

THAT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

I mean it, Shepard sounds fucking NASTY every time she talks to Jacob. It's like she's in heat or some bullshit. I can't take it. I get second hand embarrassment. Hell, I get third and fourth hand embarrassment.

Oh? Oh? Do you not believe me? BAP, watch it on YouTube. I'll paypal you a dollar if you keep a straight face during the whole thing.

I got to where I couldn't talk to Jacob at all. Shepard could ask the guy what the weather was like that day and it would sound like something out of a sexual harassment video.

Jacob is perhaps the most unfortunate character in the Mass Effect universe. Not only is Shepard a fucking pervoid who tries to climb his leg every time they speak, he's pretty provably the least interesting. I mean, his whole story is that he's a soldier. He used to work for the Alliance. Now he's with Cerberus. Ta daa.

He can quickly be defined as "nice guy." Let's ... let's list the other characters that we'll be picking up along the way.

• A toddler killing machine.
• A naked woman. Really.
• The chick from the Asian remake of Ocean's 11.
• Shepard's armor.
• The guy that invented the genophage.
• A sexual vampire hunter.
• A quarian princess.
• A lizard monk.
• Shepard if Shepard was a dude who didn't have a face.
• Batman Jesus.

Pretty much every single one of those made you sit up and go, "Oh, fuck, really? I want to know more about what the hell she's talking about!" Or at least, "She's lying," which, no, I'm not.

But when you put "pretty decent guy" next to sex vampires and Batman Jesus, he just can't stand up to that.

Enough of my complaining. Let's go do something cool.

NEXT TIME: We'll do something less perverted. Like go to a strip club.

There will be a day when you realize that I'm not exaggerating in the slightest.