The opening scenes of Mass Effect 2 begin in an unnamed place in space, with some people we've never seen before. Maybe.
The hell? I thought the geth were bad guys. Besides, Shep took out Sovereign. Isn't he a real of enough threat?
Shit. Cerberus. We've heard of them before. Right?
oooo ominous
Anyway, welcome to Mass Effect 2. And now, let us to the Normandy.
A few months after the events of Mass Effect 1, human colonists have started disappearing. The Alliance wants to send a small vessel in, and the Normandy is pretty itty, so. Let's do this.
Joker and that ever-ray-of-sunshine Presley are in the cockpit.
It is a giant space turd.
No, I'm not being cute here, the ship looks like a giant fucking turd. Go play the game, then report back! You'll be all, "Damn, that is a giant fucking space turd!" Get used to space turds, you will see them MANY times before this is over.
What would a giant space turd pull up behind the Normandy for?
Oh shit.
OH SHIT.
There's chaos on the Normandy. Shit is burning, shit is exploding, Presley's dying, life eats.
(Bioware kills Presley off quick. See? Even they know he's fucking useless.)
So, since the damn Normandy's, you know, on fucking fire, Shepard orders an evac.
Fun fact, you can actually have a few different characters run up to Shepard in this scene. There's probably one or two of you that didn't know Ashley could be the one to do it. My husband always gets Liara. I'm not 100% on what causes the game to pick the character in this scene, but I have a few fine spoilerific guesses.
Shepard runs from the mess all up to the upper hull of the Normandy to look for Joker. The turd ship has torn the whole damn top of the ship off, so the game goes totally silent at this point. Get it? Because vacuums don't make sound. Look at that, we just had a moment of real actual science.
If you'll recall from the first game, Joker's brittle bone disease means that he doesn't walk none too good, so Shepard has to help. (Joker could never have evacuated himself anyway.) They make it over to the evac shuttles.
You know? Hush, I'm pretty sure no one promised you all good art. That's an evac shuttle door, okay? Play pretend.
Since they're in a vacuum, Shepard Isaac Newton's Joker's ass into the shuttle.
The second strike from the turd ship hits, seperating Joker and Shepard and carving the Normandy in half. Shepard manages to close the shuttle off and send Joker safely in to space, but Shepard?
Shepard's just left to float.
That's okay, maybe the Alliance will come along and --
Is that air? Is that her damn air hose?
Shit! Shit! Reconnect that shit, you need all that air to --
Oh fuck.
I'm not lying either, that is the exact sequence of events in Mass Effect 2. Ship attacks Normandy, Shepard dies. Dies as in dead. Finito. I'm not lying, she's gone.
Ballsy, Bioware. Ballsy.
Buuuuuuuut ... with no more Shepard, that means no more Mass Effect 2. It was a fun ride, you kids. I love you all, you know that, right? I guess I'll have to find another game to MSPaint. I have been in the mood to do FF13 anyway ...
NEXT TIME: Lightning and Sazh's escape from Bodhum.
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