Final Fantasy XIII was published by Square Enix a few years back. It tells the story of this pink haired chick named Lightening. Wave hello, Lightening!
Whoa, wait, that's not Lightening.
What the fuck is going on? Where's my damn frocobo?
THAT HAIR IS NOT PINK I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION.
... okay, fine. Shepard's dead, I didn't lie. But her body parts are still cooking around the galaxy, and someone's found them. They intend to eat them bring her back. Really.
See, they've got these surgeons, and they ... uh, reattach, ... um ... hambone connected to the thigh bone ...
Fuck it, maybe they use mass effects?
hahahhahahahha they never use mass effects.
The scene in our living room, during this trying time of watching Shepard get put back together:
I then had a striking moment of self awareness where I realized that I would actually be better off if I put down the controller and went to fuck around on the Internet for a while.
So anyway, back to my blog where I MSPaint a video game, let us move forward two years and twelve days later.
(I'll fill the gap in later for you, I promise, but for right now, just work with me.)
So anyway, Shepard gets her armor back on --
-- and starts through the tutorial level, shooting some rogue mechs. She eventually comes accross another human.
Wave hello to Jacob Taylor, everyone! This is the first party member that the game will give a name to. Shepard tries to question him, but he won't have it until the security droids are taken care of.
Jacob then tries to explain that it wasn't actually a slammin' party that Shepard woke up from. Shepard died. It's now two years and twelve days later.
Jacob also takes this moment to reveal that Shepard's on a Cerberus station, DUN DUN DUN. Shepard was resurrected by Cerberus, DUN DUN DUN. Hopefully the Alliance and the Council won't hold that against her (ahahhahahhaha).
Shepard and Jacob run through the station until they come across Lieutenant Bioware.
What? Of course he has a name, but this is the tutorial level. He may as well me Lieutenant Bioware.
Because this is a Bioware game, and he's an NPC. We all know what happens to Lieutenant Bioware.
HINT: he is not a romance option.
Lieutenant Bioware was the one that activated the security mechs. That lady with the gun? Her name is Miranda Lawson, and she does not take kindly to dumbasses who try to fuck up her projects. She was the one in charge of Shepard's revival.
Also? This is a grandly unpopular opinion, but I don't care: Miranda is my HUGGY UGGY TOTES BFF 5EVER in this game. I love the shit out of Miranda. I am the only one. We'll get to why in a bit.
Miranda says the station is screwed, but it's only important if Shepard survives, so she insists they all get on a shuttle to see The Illusive Man, whoever the hell that jackass is. Shepard's like, "But the other people?!" and Miranda's like, "Hush," so they all pile in and go into space.
FUN FACT: On the way, Miranda asks Shepard about some stuff, just to see if she got all the wires connected the right way. She'll ask about who Shepard reccomended for council, Udina or Anderson. This is because ME1 doesn't record who you picked. Seriously, it makes the save file with all your decisions in it right before the scene. Ta da! You can tell Miranda whatever the hell you feel like with no repercussions.
I don't go backsies, though, I always go ahead and say Anderson. Miranda tells you that Captain Anderson is now Councillor Anderson, but there's rumors going around that he was much happier as a soldier. Ouch, my feels.
The shuttles are weird looking things in the Mass Effect universe, they look like little puppy dogs or something.
Which is why they look like some straight horse shit when I try to draw them.
NEXT TIME: full frontal nudity
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