Anyway, the crew finds a hole and drops underground and
What in the living hell is that thing? Oh shit, it's all drippy, and huge, and is that slime? Is that it's face or it's ass? Oh eww, and --
WHAT IN THE ACTUAL CAPSLOCKING FUCK IS GOING ON HERE, DID THAT THING JUST PUKE A GREEN ASARI AT ME? OR DOES IT HAVE AN ANUS FOR A FACE? OH MY GOD, I GOT A GREEN ASARI SHIT AT ME. THIS GAME. THIS FUCKING GAME. IT SHITS GREEN FUCKING ALIEN WOMEN AT ME BECAUSE WHAT IN THE HELL.
WHERE THE FUCK IS JIM KIRK WHEN I NEED HIM
I am not even lying, that's what happens. It face shits a green asari at you.
So the green asari, who's a clone of another asari who the thorian ... I don't know, ate, shoved in its ass, it's kind of all the same right now, tells Shep that Saren just blew through here like ten minutes ago, and oh yeah, you're going to be giving up the colonists, and Shepard's like, hey, no, I don't do that for people who were just born anally right in front of me WHAT IN THE FUCK.
You go through a sequence where you shoot the 'neural nodes' of the thorian. Once that's done:
The things I'm having to draw. I'm going to get put on a list.
This is probably one of those things that makes Mass Effect so successful as a sci fi series, though: it's not afraid to do something balls to the wall outlandishly stupid.
So that asari that was caught in the thorians nuts? That was one of Benezia's servants. She explains that Benezia joined Saren to try to get him to "follow a gentler path." Ain't that always the way, dames thinking they can change a man. But, Saren started controlling Benezia. He can do that, see, using the power of his space ship named Sovereign. I promise, that only sounds unbelievably dumb, it'll make more sense later. Saren sacrificed Ms. Testicles here to secure an alliance between himself and the thorian so he could use said thorain to keep the cipher away from Shepard.
See, apparently the thorian was alive when the Protheans were. (Remember, not everyone gets wiped every 50,000 years.) So the thorian sat underground, ate up all the Prothean knowledge there was, and now has the cipher, the thing that'll make the visions Shep got from the beacons make sense.
Asari do this, this thing, see. It's ... it's the vulcan mind meld. It is exactly the same fucking thing. Like, there's going to be some nerd somewhere, and he'll be like, no wait, see, the asari use the power of ~mass effects~, but no, it is the vulcan mind meld. Lady Vas Deferens mind melded with the thorian, nabbed the cipher, and then offers it to Shepard.
Sadly, the alien woman that just exploded out of a sentient plant's testicle and mind melded with Shepard did not manage to make her mystery alien vision that got beamed into her head by a giant beacon make any sense. Mass Effect, ladies and gentlemen, tip your servers.
By the way, the vulcan mind meld is also how the asari have sex. You know. Because this totally wasn't a weird enough sequence.
The cool thing about Mass Effect is that, at least for some people, they wind up filling in some of the blanks that the game leaves.
I mean, it can't possibly answer every question you might have, right? Like, what's Shepard's favorite color? (Green.) Or, is Shep a coffee or tea person? (Coffee.) People wind up thinking about this shit, yo. I suspect they are mostly female, but I can't prove it.
Anyway, I like to pretend that during down time, when the Normandy's flying between planets or whatever, Shepard ferrets herself away in a corner of the mess hall with a jar of peanut butter and a spoon and shakes uncontrollably because seriously, eww, why did that asari have to touch her, mein gott, it just came out of someone's nut.
And, let's say after Feros, Liara rolls up.
(This happened in the game, I'm just adding the peanut butter.)
So anyway, they mind meld, and Liara gets all dizzy and shit. Shepard's the one getting her head fucked around in by every blue dame in the galaxy, and Liara's tired, you guys. Anyway, before she says that she's ~too tired~ and needs to lay down, she says that Shepard's vision is incomplete, or damaged. Helpful! Go wash Shep's spoon, geez.
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