Eden Prime

So, the fair lady Shep beams down to the planet, which totally doesn't at all look like backwater Canada, thanks sci fi, with her two handy cohorts.

One of them is Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko.

Holy shit, you all, remember that name, because I will be screaming it later. Kaidan drives me nuts. He has such a punchable face, it's not even funny. Also, he has a faux hawk. Who the blue fuck rocks a faux hawk? Douches named Kaidan, that's who. Douches are also named Kaidan, that's a provable fact. He doesn't even have the decency to spell it Kaiden or Caiden like the rest of the fucking universe.

You all watch, I'll fuck up and type Kaiden at least once.

Anyway, the other guy is Lt. Bioware. He has a name, but I'm calling him Lt. Bioware. Why? This is a fucking Bioware game, you tell me what happens next.

So, they land, and Lt. Bioware runs right out into the middle of the gunfire and dies.

Seriously, you've played a Bioware game, right? You DID see this coming, right?

Hell yes I went there.

If you don't get the joke, you are one of the blessed ones.

So anyway, Shepard and Kaidan discover that Lt. Bioware was shot down by the darkspawn. Sorry, sorry, it was the geth

Hey, hot damn! This is like your third alien race, right? The geth!

Err, we're starting to play fast and loose with the definition of 'alien'. I mean, they're from another planet, but they're robots, so. Can a robot be an alien? Mass Effect 3 seems to think so, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Geth are giant plastic robot guys with one giant light where their face would normally be. In Mass Effect 1, they're white, but in the other two games, they tend to be black or brownish. Actually, they make all colors of geth, but that's what you'll see the most of.

Kaidan gets all freaked out, because he is a wiener, and also because the geth typically don't go out past "the veil". "The veil" is a place in space geography. Trust me, it's like a million mass effects away or some shit. Anyway, he's got a point: there shouldn't be geth here.

Also, they shouldn't be killing people and hoisting them up on spikes.

For whatever reason, these big ass spike things are a Major Thing in Mass Effect 1, and totally forgotten in the other two games. Kind of a shame, they're badass.

Not far from the spikes, they find Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams. Remember the chick in the video with the pink armor? What up.

I've got everyone turned to the right. Help me remember to turn the next one to the left.

I am the only person on the Internet that kind of likes Ashley. I love how everyone who's played this game before just winced, because they know what's coming.

By the way, I swear I remember reading that Ashley's Hispanic. Is that true? I can't remember if I've got that mixed up with the fact that she served in Brazil or what. Meanwhile, take note that Kaidan's Serbian, or at least his family is. Mass Effect has a deep minority representation, it's actually pretty cool.

I don't know what Lt. Bioware's family history was. Whatevs, he's geth food now.

So Ashley's all, hey, let me show you to the dig site where we found the Prothean thingie, and Shep's all, hey that rules, so they go there, and there's no Prothean shit anywhere, and Shep's like, the fuck, and Ashley's like, the fuck I don't know, and then Nihlus (remember that bastard?) calls up, and he's all, lol, they moved the Prothean thingie, you're gonna have to take a train to find it, and I'm like, THE FUCK KIND OF WEIRD ASS STORY TELLING IS THIS SHIT?!

Meanwhile!

Yeah, so Shepard, Ashley and Kaidan hear a gun shot for no reason. No reason, you guys.

They also find Nihlus' dead body. Whoops.

Shep and crew take the train as instructed, and in true video game fashion, it's not an actual train as much as it is a sliding platform. Some geth are trying to blow the platform up, so Shepard has to disable the bombs in a sequence that is Mass Effect Multiplayer's grandpappy.

Then they find it.

The Prothean thingie!

Shep makes a call to the Normandy to let Anderson know that she's got the goods, but the beacon is so fucking shiny that Kaidan has to go touch it.

I'm not shitting! That happens!

I love all the people who played manshepard right now who think I've messed up. Nope. If you play ladyshepard, Kaidan grabs the dildo.

Also, this is the entire thing the plot is based on: a giant ancient space dildo trying to kill us all. Mass Effect!

So Shepard dives forward to save Kaidan as the dildo (okay fine the Prothean beacon) glows green.

She chucks Kaidan out of the way, but the beacon starts ... it starts doing some shit, man.

So, while Kaidan and Ashley are hopefully calling for emergency medical transport for their unconscious commanding officer, Shep starts having weird dreams. They're red, and something is roaring, and there's no green nor blue, and shut up I am hilarious.

Shep wakes up in med bay, with Dr. Chawkwas overseeing her. Kaidan's there too, and he's like, "Sorry I tried to touch the shiny," and Shep's like, "Nah, we cool," and then he starts smiling or some shit, and I'm like, "You turd sack, I AM NOT FLIRTING WITH YOU."

So then Anderson comes in to sick bay, reminds you that you're second in command (gee thanks), and then broadcasts an important info dump: that guy that killed Nihlus? That was Saren. He's a spectre, but if he's running around killing other spectres and chilling with geth, he's gone rogue. Spectres work for the council, so Anderson's got this brilliant idea: the Normandy's gonna go tell on Saren.

So then they're all like,

Because they're going to the Citadel, the most important Mass Effect location! But that'll have to wait for next time.