SATURDAY POST: Mass Effects

The rest of this post is juuuuuust a little NWS. But hell, it's Satuday, and anyway it's probably about as NWS as the rest of MSPixel.

Well, Shirt.

This is actually the first time Mass Effect nerds got to see Kahlee Sanders! Before this, all we had was a silhouette on the Ascension book. So anyway, please enjoy my shitty oversimplification of her.

That's mostly how the Grissom Academy mission works, Kahlee says to go do something and you make it so.

Wave hello to Jack's new character design! It's so cool how I can't draw it.

Bioware said that they were going to soften Jack a bit, because you "can't stay punk rock forever," or something. So they wrapped her titties in bandages and gave her a mohawk. Sure, Bioware, that's totally the same thing as a cardigan and Christmas cards with white babies all over them.

I suspect Bioware realized it was kind of very extremely inappropriate to have Jack walking around without a shirt, and used the punk rock thing as a convenient excuse.

horniest fucking game

Jack's a teacher at Grissom now! She's in charge of kids! This is a spectacular idea. Bioware made them all teenagers so they didn't have to model actual children.

... some of you remember that I work with actual children, though. Let me tell you one time: Grissom Academy's depiction of children is not even close to accurate. Holy hell. The kids, like, speak in complete sentences and don't get body fluids on things, it's all messed up.

Allow me.

I love how people who don't have/work with kids are like, "Wow, Bean, I'm not sure that's right," and people who do have/work with kids are just nodding along in agreement.

(That marshmallow line was actually said to me by a real living child. They felt it important that I know, I guess.)

All right, fine, let's go beat on some bad dudes.

Space Dad Did WHAT?!

Get used to this shit, Javik hates everything. Javik hates nouns, and also some verbs.

Okay, can we agree that I know a little bit of shit about Mass Effect? I know a little bit of shit about Mass Effect. I still had to look up the Metacon War.

And holy shit, you guys, holy shit. Why are we talking about literally anything else besides the Metacon War? Fuck the Morning War, fuck the First Contact war, this is the shit that we need to be studying. This. Is. The. Shit.

This is not a spoiler, but this is important shit to understand the ending of Mass Effect 3, mangled mess that it is. I think some of you scroll through the text and only look at the images. I care so deeply about this that I copied it into MSPaint just for you. Read this shit. From the Mass Effect wiki:

See, and after that shit? Reapers.

I ain't going to spell anything out yet, but you think about it, and you can start to see maybe what the reapers are after.

Hey, Traynor wants us.

Grissom Academy? Do we know that shit?

It damn well better be familiar. Legit, it should be.

Hey yo, Shep, Garrus is like, one floor below, keep it zipped up.

This scene is like 10 times funnier with dude shep. Ey yo, that's the wrong tree you're barking up, there.

(Husbando and I do this all the time: "Hey, thanks for bringing me dinner." "Aww, it's no big -- " "No. Thank you.")

You know one of the things I love about Mass Effect? Shepard doesn't know as much as we do. She wasn't present for, like, 99% of the media, and also she was dead for two years, so she missed at least half of the shit that everyone else was up to. They just kind of wheel her around in case they need a reaper punched in the face, and otherwise she's a need to know sort of lady.

They make this thing about Anderson being Shepard's mentor? Or maybe even Space Dad or something?

So that's what you want, you want to learn that your Space Yoda Dad Dude totally wants to roll, roll, roll in ze hay with some random space chick you're about to meet.

We're coming, Kahlee! But it might have to wait until Friday.

NEXT TIME: It does not get less horny.

Butthole Smoke

So anyway, guess what's the talk of the Normandy now?

Javik's busy living down where Grunt used to live. Let's go down to see him!

... this might be the first and only time a science fiction story has given even three fucks about violating the prime directive.

She would, too.

I can't remember what makes the guard shut up in the game. It might have to do with the fact that Shepard's the captain, she knows all the Alliance regulations, and if she wants to break one, it's not Lieutenant Jackass' business.

Anyway, let's say hi to Javik!

MSPixel is some fucking classy humor.

Javik, by the way, cannot believe we're getting our lunch ate by reapers.

Liara! Damnit! Come on, you can save us all! Ask about the damn catalyst! You know, that thing that'll make the big ass Prothean gun go boom?

... maybe it was a little space racist to assume Javik knew about the catalyst because he's a Prothean.

Worth a shot. It's not like there's, you know, more Protheans to talk to.

ooooooo burn oooooooo

NEXT TIME: Holy crap, a book tie in!