Space Dad Did WHAT?!

Get used to this shit, Javik hates everything. Javik hates nouns, and also some verbs.

Okay, can we agree that I know a little bit of shit about Mass Effect? I know a little bit of shit about Mass Effect. I still had to look up the Metacon War.

And holy shit, you guys, holy shit. Why are we talking about literally anything else besides the Metacon War? Fuck the Morning War, fuck the First Contact war, this is the shit that we need to be studying. This. Is. The. Shit.

This is not a spoiler, but this is important shit to understand the ending of Mass Effect 3, mangled mess that it is. I think some of you scroll through the text and only look at the images. I care so deeply about this that I copied it into MSPaint just for you. Read this shit. From the Mass Effect wiki:

See, and after that shit? Reapers.

I ain't going to spell anything out yet, but you think about it, and you can start to see maybe what the reapers are after.

Hey, Traynor wants us.

Grissom Academy? Do we know that shit?

It damn well better be familiar. Legit, it should be.

Hey yo, Shep, Garrus is like, one floor below, keep it zipped up.

This scene is like 10 times funnier with dude shep. Ey yo, that's the wrong tree you're barking up, there.

(Husbando and I do this all the time: "Hey, thanks for bringing me dinner." "Aww, it's no big -- " "No. Thank you.")

You know one of the things I love about Mass Effect? Shepard doesn't know as much as we do. She wasn't present for, like, 99% of the media, and also she was dead for two years, so she missed at least half of the shit that everyone else was up to. They just kind of wheel her around in case they need a reaper punched in the face, and otherwise she's a need to know sort of lady.

They make this thing about Anderson being Shepard's mentor? Or maybe even Space Dad or something?

So that's what you want, you want to learn that your Space Yoda Dad Dude totally wants to roll, roll, roll in ze hay with some random space chick you're about to meet.

We're coming, Kahlee! But it might have to wait until Friday.

NEXT TIME: It does not get less horny.