Space Dad Did WHAT?!

Get used to this shit, Javik hates everything. Javik hates nouns, and also some verbs.

Okay, can we agree that I know a little bit of shit about Mass Effect? I know a little bit of shit about Mass Effect. I still had to look up the Metacon War.

And holy shit, you guys, holy shit. Why are we talking about literally anything else besides the Metacon War? Fuck the Morning War, fuck the First Contact war, this is the shit that we need to be studying. This. Is. The. Shit.

This is not a spoiler, but this is important shit to understand the ending of Mass Effect 3, mangled mess that it is. I think some of you scroll through the text and only look at the images. I care so deeply about this that I copied it into MSPaint just for you. Read this shit. From the Mass Effect wiki:

See, and after that shit? Reapers.

I ain't going to spell anything out yet, but you think about it, and you can start to see maybe what the reapers are after.

Hey, Traynor wants us.

Grissom Academy? Do we know that shit?

It damn well better be familiar. Legit, it should be.

Hey yo, Shep, Garrus is like, one floor below, keep it zipped up.

This scene is like 10 times funnier with dude shep. Ey yo, that's the wrong tree you're barking up, there.

(Husbando and I do this all the time: "Hey, thanks for bringing me dinner." "Aww, it's no big -- " "No. Thank you.")

You know one of the things I love about Mass Effect? Shepard doesn't know as much as we do. She wasn't present for, like, 99% of the media, and also she was dead for two years, so she missed at least half of the shit that everyone else was up to. They just kind of wheel her around in case they need a reaper punched in the face, and otherwise she's a need to know sort of lady.

They make this thing about Anderson being Shepard's mentor? Or maybe even Space Dad or something?

So that's what you want, you want to learn that your Space Yoda Dad Dude totally wants to roll, roll, roll in ze hay with some random space chick you're about to meet.

We're coming, Kahlee! But it might have to wait until Friday.

NEXT TIME: It does not get less horny.

Butthole Smoke

So anyway, guess what's the talk of the Normandy now?

Javik's busy living down where Grunt used to live. Let's go down to see him!

... this might be the first and only time a science fiction story has given even three fucks about violating the prime directive.

She would, too.

I can't remember what makes the guard shut up in the game. It might have to do with the fact that Shepard's the captain, she knows all the Alliance regulations, and if she wants to break one, it's not Lieutenant Jackass' business.

Anyway, let's say hi to Javik!

MSPixel is some fucking classy humor.

Javik, by the way, cannot believe we're getting our lunch ate by reapers.

Liara! Damnit! Come on, you can save us all! Ask about the damn catalyst! You know, that thing that'll make the big ass Prothean gun go boom?

... maybe it was a little space racist to assume Javik knew about the catalyst because he's a Prothean.

Worth a shot. It's not like there's, you know, more Protheans to talk to.

ooooooo burn oooooooo

NEXT TIME: Holy crap, a book tie in!

SATURDAY POST

Nothin, just thought this was rad.

srs art blog

Liara's Still Nude

You guys, cry, my tablet was acting up while I was drawing this entry. I need to buy, like, a massive pack of batteries.

... what? Of course I draw MSPixel with a tablet.

... stop crying.

Last time we were cooking around Eden Prime, wondering what the fuck with that Prothean stasis pod that Shepard found. We've come across a computer, maybe it's got codes?

So, uh, let's pound randomly on the keyboard.

Shepard's eyes start glowing lime green --

Actually, I've always wondered if the color depends on your Shepard's eye color? Husbando~'s Shepards all have brown eyes, and he says they glow green too, he thinks. I dunno, answer me in the comments.

While Shepard's at the computer, she sees a vision.

Wave hello to the Protheans! The real honest to hell Protheans! Shepard's seeing the last breath of Prothean civilization. She can do that, see, because she got ate up by the beacon in ME1.

Remember that thing? I bet you weren't expecting that to come back.

(Collectors were around in Prothean times. They were like the husks of the Mass Effect 3 times, of course.)

I wonder if our Prothean will look anything like those guys?

So anyway, we got the code, let's go open the stasis pod up and hope that it's actually a Prothean and not some fucked up Lovecraftian horror.

However will we --

don't hate

Baddies dispensed, let's get to the pod!

Before we crack the pod open, the game kindly gives us a vision of what our Prothean was doing before he podded himself.

HOLY SHIT IT WORKED

... it's been a bazillion of years, but for this guy, it's been like a few minutes. What is he gonna do?

NEXT TIME: Maybe I'll tell you his name!

(Or is it a her? You know, the game really never gives us a clear answer on that one.)

SATURDAY POST! Fire Emblem Awakening

I know this blog might make you think I sit around and do nothing but swear play Mass Effect, but in reality, I lead a rich and fulfilling life in which I --

... okay, fuck it, I'm not summering in the Bahamas or anything, but I do play other games. I'm kind of ate up with handhelds. They're so easy to pick up and play! I love my 3DS.

I particularly love Fire Emblem Awakening. You have to understand what high praise this is: when it comes to tactics games? I am a dumbass. I usually can't get past level 2 in Final Fantasy Tactics. Really truly! I one time got lucky enough to get to the first level with black mages, and promptly got my shit ate. The other 12 Fire Emblem games would chew me up and spit me out, I'm sure, especially with their permadeath mechanics.

But I can actually play FE:A! ... probably because I can turn off permadeath. I recently beat this game, it was way too fun. Okay, so I had this one character? Her name was Sumia. She was a badass.

She spears people and rides around on a unicorn. A unicorn.

Also she is a murder machine.

Later in the game, you meet her kid, Cynthia, also known as my favorite character. I'd dress up as her for DragonCon if I thought anyone would recognize me.

Cynthia also gets a unicorn and a spear.

I thought Sumia was a murder machine, but Cynthia's straight nuts. I know all the stats are randomized and shit, but in my game, she hit for way more than Sumia.

And she was gleeful about it. It's nuts. I love Cynthia.

Cynthia was my first character to come preinstalled with this ability called Gale Force, which should have been called Fuck You, Bad Guys, because it lets a character take a second turn if they kill a guy.

Murder machine. The child is a murder machine. I think that's the most death and destruction you can employ without actually playing vanguard.