I'm BACK!

If you're following me on Twitter (and you should be!), you know that I spent the last two weeks with my computer bricked. It's back! It's back! I can post!

The nitty gritties are a separate story. What say we wake up from this fugue state and --

... oh hell, I didn't mean literally. This is still a Mass Effect blog, right?

Hrm, it's that little kid we saw in Vancouver. Or Toronto? I'm so good at geography it hurts. Shepard chases after him.

As she does, she hears the voices of a bunch of dead characters.

... Garrus, honey, you creepin?

Jesus Christ this wake up scene is so weird. The other characters, Shepard wakes up in bed under the covers next to said character, as if they had fucked and then fallen asleep next to each other. In the Garrus scene, Shepard wakes up on top of the comforter in her underwear (which I spared you from, you're welcome,) and there's Garrus, just peepin away.

If I only knew the Garrus side of things I wouldn't actually know that this is the sex scene. You don't see them touch! Which might be okay, actually.

Samantha Traynor has the best wakeup scene.

Samantha Traynor 11/10 Best Space Lesbian of the Year All Years.

Yo, speaking of space lesbians, let's go stare at the penis crucible.

Gameplay wise, this means that EDI will be with us for Cronos Station, no matter what.

Speaking of, let's drive up to Cronos Station.

You know, or A THOUSAND OTHER THINGS THAT PROBABLY SHEPARD SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF?!

Joker is being 600% reasonable here, don't tell me he's not. Taking EDI into a Cerberus base is pretty fucking stupid.

Luckily, Shepard has a well reasoned response.

I'm starting to think Mass Effect 2 had the better writing, you guys.

The Name Of The Boat

Please allow Shepard to accurately summarize my feelings toward this section of Mass Effect 3:

Yo so the first time I saw this scene, I was like,

Because this shit can happen:

Because sex boat.

But good news, if you're doing the do with either of them, they thankfully just reminisce instead.

So hey, guess what activates if we go into Shepard's cabin!

I was wondering if I could make that shot work. I, uh, couldn't.

Granted, I can't make any shot work.

The nice thing about the Garrus sex scene is that Bioware didn't animate them having sex. The others ... sorry, those are two computer generated bodies of polygons rolling around. (Can you tell I don't play Bioware games for the love stories?)

Last time I went through and showed you what we didn't win, but here's the thing: all of these scenes are, uh, real damn similar. I love Mass Effect 3, but it needed more dev time. The sex scenes are one area where you can tell Bioware was rushed.

Still, here's our not-Garrus sex pals:

Liara plays with Shepard's helmet a bit.

Kaidan drinks. I frequently forget about Kaidan.

Traynor's is the best, but we'll have to revisit it. You'll see why.

Really, I could start subbing anyone in.

Wanna get weird?

Let's go.

Cronos Station: More Like Assault On MY EYES

I have bitched about this since ME1 and I don't even care:

Anyway, this damn thing has a plot and probably we should get to it.

A thousand years ago Miranda tracked Kai Leng to Cerberus' own Cronos Station for us, so let's go fuck that up.

That thing still looks just so much like a penis.

I totally 100% forgot that the sex scene happens here! I thought that it happened right before the last assault on Spoiler Planet! Stick Figure Me isn't lying, I literally just started the damn XBox up and bam, fucking. Mass Effect.

I feel like a bad story teller, because we totally just had two sex scenes in a row. Poor Shepard's going to be sore when she rolls up to Cronos Station.

... you know what, though? Let's do something else. Indulge me just a little bit. We'll get to the sex scene, I promise.

As much as I hate it, this happened. BioWare actually spared us from it, I was surprised.