Bye, Jacob! Time To Drink.

Quick! Evacuate the children in the facility!

I don't think Bioware's ever spoken to real children.

So the A A guns are back online, tearin' Cerberus new assholes like they were meant to do.

So Cerberus storms the facility. By now, you're probably familiar with Cerberus battles: start with the little guys, beat the teeth out of the combat engineers, and charge the atlus at the end.

Shepard gets her shit eaten in a cut scene, but thankfully Jacob's there.

"Man, Bean, that's totally cray how fast you wrapped that up," you say to your computer.tablet/smart phone screen (with great effect). "It's almost like you have another event that you wanted us to see and needed the time to do it in."

Yes, actually, because I unlocked another crewmember scene! I actually forgot about this one, so that's good times:

"Bean, you're making shit up, Chawkwas does not do that in the game." You go to YouTube and fact check me, that happens in this, The Horniest Game.

This happens, in game. I might have fallen out of my chair laughing. Smooth, Bioware. Very smooth.

... I'd be amazed if any of you all remembered my Shepard's first name.

Honest to hell, Porkbun is my default name for any given Shepard. Leopard is another good one.

It's Jason!

You know how long it's been since I've been able to make up my own opening comic?

You know this happens, like, every damn morning on the Normandy.

Anyway, Samantha Traynor found a distress signal from some ex-Cerberus scientists. Let's go see what's going on there.

Oh! That's why!

Everyone welcome Jason Jacob to the stage! That's why Cerberus is after these scientists, because Jacob was a squadmate in Mass Effect 2 and we needed an excuse to visit him.

"Wow, Bean, you sure made Dr. Brynn Cole look a whole shit ton like Samantha Traynor!" Did anyone promise you good art?

Nah, but freals, I tried, but the main difference between Cole and Traynor is that Cole is for some reason shiny as fuck. I think they wax her. It's not something very conducive to MSPixel's, uh, low resolution.

Oh, and also, wave hello to Dr. Cole.

I missed this line of dialogue (it's seriously like half a sentence), and had to go look it up, but it's almost not important. They were looking into communications between reapers and collectors, and trying to make a device that humans could use to talk to reapers.

I mean, Shepard talked to reapers all the time in ME1, like legit on the daily, but naw, Brynn's going to make a reaperphone, y'all. RING RING RING RING REAPER PHONE.

Anyway, scientists started disapearing and shit, so Jacob decided to protect them and they hid at this facility.

Before you go, though, go talk to Jacob in the infirmary. He says a bunch of unimportant shit, and also,

Yeah, he gets with Brynn even if y'all did it in ME2. If you did him in ME2, you can come on to him here, and it's not creepy at all.

... I swear there's a weirder path through this conversation, but I can't find it on YouTube.

Let's go fix those guns.

When you get to the panel, you can pick a squadmate to fix the gun panel for you.

GARRUS VAKARIAN: exactly as useful as a real man

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

They don't make words for how wore I am (too many late nights at work, kids, it's not a good look on you), but how could I pass up today?

Happy birthday, Commander Shepard, greatest of all video game heroes!

If you needed more birthday nonsense.

BY THE WAY

I thought I had my MSPixel path all plotted out, but actually starting up the game made me realize that maybe I don't. So, I'll let you all pick what we do next:

• My original plan was to go on and do one of the DLCs. I can do that next if you want.
• -OR- I got two sidequests unlocked that I didn't expect. Without spoiling anything, the asari high command needs us to check out an asari monastery, and we have to go rescue some defecting Cerberus scientists.

We'll get to them both, I'm just not sure what order to do them in, so I figured I'd put it up to a vote.

Also, seriously, if anyone knows how to unlock the remaining squadmate scenes that I'm missing, please let me know! I suspect it's based on how many missions you complete?

It's That Sort Of Scene

We must talk about today's opening scene.

I am terrible, if there is a spoiler on the Internet, I read it. I tried hard to resist when Mass Effect 3 was coming out, but I am me, and so, I found one.

Specifically, on Youtube. I ran with my iPad into the living room, eager to share with Husbando~.

But something came over me.

I fell to the floor, laughing. I couldn't get up. I couldn't breathe. Husbando~ nearly called the paramedics, that's how hard my fit was. But, finally, I was able to screech one word, one single solitary word that let him know what was going on.

The following is the scene I found on YouTube.

"Bean, there is no way that this goes where I think it's going." This goes where you think it's going.

You know this isn't even the horniest scene in the game?

You also know that you can see her shower? I'm not drawing it, enjoy your MSpainted censorship.

... which is one way to resolve the shower scene. What's the other way? Hey, let's dig up that YouTube video I found so long ago:

That really really truly happens. Also yes, Shepard joins in in her clothes. Even her dress blues, if that's what she's wearing.

I'm going to avoid the shower now, because banging Traynor in the shower locks in her romance, and that significantly reduces the number of alien sex jokes I get to make. If you blow her off, you get a scene where Traynor and Shepard play Space iPad Holo Chess instead.

Shepard can't play chess, it makes my heart soar.

Also, I am not even lying in the slightest, the scene really truly ends this way:

After the Citadel coup, certain squadmates will have specific scenes pop up where you can go chillax with them. That was Traynor's. I had a few more pop up, so we'll look at them today.

... I seem to remember them all coming up at once, but on this playthrough, I only got three to come up. I know Garrus, Ashley and Liara at the minimum have ones that I haven't unlocked somehow? Advice is welcome.

But hey, Diaba Abers needs to see us!

Look, I don't know, you can fuck Diaba at this point. Does she even know how to have sex? I imagine it looks a lot like this.

I think Diaba Abers stays clear of the shower, though. Hey, someone else is calling.

Bwahahaha, you all wish.

Nah, but frealsies.

You know? Paragon Lost came out way after Mass Effect 3, I'm surprised they reference the plot of it so much.

and then i grind my teeths

Next time: