Menae: I'm Still Mad About Stuff

"Damn, is she going to let go of the peanut butter thing now that we're in a new game?" No. I never let go of anything. Where the hell are the mass effects in this game?

Anyway, we've got ourselves a primearch to rescue, so let's go to Palaven.

... or, more like, Menae (say: men eye). Menae is Palaven's moon. The turians figured that if they were going to kick some reaper ass, they could start out on their moon, because it was further away from all the goods.

"Hey, wait!" thousands of Mass Effect nerds cried. "We've been waiting three games now, and Palaven's a pretty central location to the series. We don't get to see Palaven?" Nope. Sorry. Maybe Mass Effect 4 will be about the First Contact War, but until then, we'll just have to have memories of Mass Effect Evolution to keep us warm at night.

Let us land.

That black burning husk in the distance is Palaven. That orange splotch is Palaven's capital city, where the reapers are currently reaping the fuck out of some shit.

"Hey, wait!" you may be asking. "I thought we were fighting on Menae to keep reapers off Palaven?" Yes. We are. Look, I don't know any more, let's go talk to the first turian we see. We'll ask him for the primearch, deliver the primearch to the summit, get the troops we need, beat the reapers, and get the good ending!

are you kidding meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Fucking hell, really, we all get to sit around and pick our shit chutes while Palaven command tries to send us a name via, what, MSN fucking messenger? Holy crapola, who the hell are we going to get to fix --

But soft! What light through yonder --

Yeah, okay, this is the part where I play cute because I'm trying to pretend none of us have played this before, and I'm all, "oh my, we're on a whole planet full of turians and we might know this guy, whoever could he be, oh wow so mystery," but fuck it, you know and I know who I'm going to shittily draw in the next panel.

surprise

Garrus got new armor for Mass Effect 3! Bioware specifically designed it so that I couldn't draw it, it was nice of them. I naturally assume that Bioware makes all of their decisions based around MSPixel.

... wait, general?

The ingame explanation is that Garrus "yelled a lot" (really) so they made him a general. There's a hundred things, I think, that I will never be able to explain about Mass Effect.

Hey, wait! Let's go through our character introductions, because I'm still mad!

• Oh man, general! That's so cool how you know so much shit about reapers! You should probably be, like, the most important guy on Palaven.
• Oh wow, shadow broker! While you're busy careening through space doing a favor for the Alliance, why don't you toast some Cerberus baddies with a well-placed double tap?
• SAVING THE PLANET'S KIND OF HARD WHEN YOU'RE THE SIZE OF AN ACTUAL PLANET AREN'T YOU COMMANDER HAM

Cool! Garrus is going to take us to the primearch! Let's follow him over the war-torn landscape of Palaven.

... wait, we have four party members. Unless Gaspar is going to teleport straight to Menae, I'm not sure how --

There we go. Thanks, Joker.

NEXT TIME: they do not use mass effects