They're large, and, quite frankly, insane. The little office, that kind of makes sense for the captain to have. The shelf for the ship models? I guess so, she wouldn't be the first commander captain to be in to that. The swag lounge with the wine and the two fish tanks? The hell kind of pimp ass bachelorette pad do we need, really?
I didn't even find Shepard's quarters in the first game until my second play through, and even then, I accidentally wandered into them and was like, "What the hell is this?" They were like a closet somewhere.
I suspect, but cannot prove, that Shepard got an upgrade in her living situation so that Bioware had more room and a nicer set to animate the Bioware Sex Scene.
Which explains the queen size bed. Damn, Cerberus, you sure do know your sci fi heroes. Didn't she have a cot in ME1?
I can't imagine her being comfortable with any of this, but I'm probably projecting -- I went from having an itty bitty bedroom to a big bedroom, I wasn't a fan either.
Enough heavy shit, let's have an ass joke. That's a little more MSPixel's speed.
Hey! Before we go on, I want to look at two blog comments I got, because in an unsurprising twist of events, you guys are smarter than me. First up, Bluefall explains the plot twist on Horizon where Tim was somehow responsible for Ashley showing up:
Ash says it. "Intel got a tip that Cerberus is behind our missing colonies, and Horizon would be the next hit."
TIM leaks false intel to the Alliance saying that a) Cerberus is behind the abductions and b) Horizon is their next target, because he knows that they'll send Ash to Horizon to investigate in response.
The Collectors then hit Horizon, specifically *to get to Ash,* because they know that Shepard cares about Ash, and they want to use her to get to Shepard. Which TIM anticipated, which is why he baited Ash out there in the first place.
The thing about the Collectors thinking Horizon is a good target because now they have defense towers is just Delan being an antiestablishment douchebag and talking out his ass.
Which, holy shit, thank you, I've only wondered about that for several years and three playthroughs.
Also, neekMarie knows what spectre means:
And "spectre" is written funny because it's an acronym. Why the bloody hell the ENTIRE galaxy uses English, even in acronyms is beyond me, but it stands for "SPECial Tactics and R REconnaissance".
They use English acronyms because of mass effects, I guess.
Now, to the task at hand, let us jet off to the planet Haestrom, in geth space.
Err. It used to be quarian space, but remember, they made the geth, then the geth got super smart and booted them out. Haestrom has a special feature.
... pretend that's a bug walking around in the shade, okay? No one promised you good art.
If you're in the shade? You're okay.
Don't ... don't try the sun.
I was waiting for a level like this. I mean, we're traveling around in space, it's hard to buy that ALL the planets have the same gravity and weather conditions. Bioware had a chance to do something really funky with planetary conditions to alter game play, I wish they'd taken more advantage of it. I mean, hell, if fucking Meteos can do it.
Should Shepard or pals step into the sun, the UV will begin to deplete their shields. They're safe in the shade. ... hush, don't tell Bioware how UV rays work, they worked really hard on this level.
Your squad uses this opportunity to cry like little bitches through the entire mission.
And I'm being serious too, Palaven is like this 100% of the time, humans can't even be there without wearing envirosuits. Humans can be on Haestrom without envirosuits (see: Miranda), so it would then stand to reason that Haestrom is somehow less hostile. Meanwhile, Mr. Big Ass Metal Plates Meant To Deal With Extreme Radiation is going to kveck and moan?
Along the way, you meet geth. Oh, rad, haven't seen you all since last game!
Meet the geth prime, not to be confused with Optimus Prime. They're big geth dudes that'll mess you up unless you play vanguard.
Then you deal with them like you deal with every enemy in the game, you charge at them head first and punch them in the face until they die.
You ... you've probably earned the right to know that the little striped gray cat that keeps popping up is Max. Max has two settings: he will either sit on my husband's lap or cry because he is not sitting on my husband's lap. Max loves Mass Effect because it makes my husband sit still, which means lap time for Max. I think Max has played through Mass Effect enough times now to be considered a true Mass Effect nerd. I think he's been through it more times than me, actually. I pretend he thinks it's called Max Effect.
I bring this up because my husband asked me to draw our other cat in, because he felt bad for her, so that gray mess on the tan recliner is Chloe. Chloe actually does other cat activities, and probably hasn't seen as much Max Effect as Max has. For example, here is Chloe helping me work on MSPixel:
That is my notebook. BEHIND THE SCENES ACTION.
That was a hell of a derail. Let's just remember that my husband can't stand to watch me play vanguard and move on. Shepard and pals eventually come across a console with a hologram:
No stinking way! Hey, Tali! It's good to see a friendly face! ... I'm just assuming she has a face, but it's good to pretend to be able to see it!
Tali is, however, pinned in place by the geth, so Shep and pals have to fight their way to her. Along they way, they find arguably one of the most popular of the one off NPCs:
Everyone give Kal'Reegar a warm welcome to the stage! Kal'Reegar is a soldier quarian voiced by Adam Baldwin, better known as Jayne on Firefly, which is probably why so many nerds are madly in love with Kal'Reegar. I mean, Firefly is a fanfuckingtastic show, but damn nerds, chill your junk.
Okay, anyway, Kal'Reegar's got the knowledge we need to extract Tali. Hey, Kal, what do we need to know?
Well shit.
In the last game, you usually had the Mako available to you to shoot out some geth coloss ... uh, colossi? Sure. But now we've got to do it on foot.
Not a problem for a motherfuckin' vanguard.
Of course I charged right at that thing and punched it in the face. I don't acknowledge any other way to play. (There's some glitch you can do here if you play as vanguard, but I don't know what it is, I've never activated it, and I'm too lazy to go look it up.)
Y'all excuse my husband, he likes to play sentinel. He doesn't understand that he's doing it wrong.
Once you bust in to Tali's area, Miranda remarks that it looks like ancient quarian architecture. I have no idea how she knows that, but it brings up an important point: quarians used to live on Haestrom. Without environmental suits, even! But how could they do that with the sun burning every little thing?
Maybe Tali knows? Let's ask.
God damn, speaking of, it's gotten a lot better, but I used to only be capable of finding turian dick on Tumblr. That's all tumblr was, an alien wang delivery service. Y'all folk on tumblr draw Garrus Vakarian's penis like you're getting paid.
Fun fact! The original ending to Mass Effect 3 had to do with dark energy, which actually did relate to mass effects. They scrapped that ending, though, because that would have meant almost using a mass effect somewhere in the plot.
But hey, we've got Tali now! And she's gonna come back to the Normandy! That rules!
So now, we're all on the Normandy, and all's well that ends well.
Except for that.
I wish I had a nice neat bow to put on this one, but Tali and EDI? Geez, it would take a multiplanitary political truce between the quarians and the geth to solve this one.
Fun fact: go to the engine room and ask Tali why she doesn't like Cerberus. She'll recount the ending of Mass Effect Ascension, highlighting that the quarians don't like Cerberus because they assaulted a member of the fleet.
NEXT TIME: and boom goes the dynamite
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