The Hero Omega Needs, But Not The Hero It Deserves Right Now

Shepard's been dead two years, are we all going to pretend that technology hasn't advanced since then? You know she encountered at least one omnitool upgrade that blew her mind.

THIS IS YOUR WARNING. IF YOU HAVEN'T COMPLETED THE ARCHANGEL MISSION, DON'T READ THIS POST!

Remember how I promised I'd write around some spoilers? I can't write around this one! Just join us next time, okay? Promise me you'll turn back if you haven't found out who Archangel is yet!

All right, Brother Tim is all up about this one guy named Archangel, so let's go talk to him. Who the hell is Archangel, anyway? He lives on Omega, so Aria probably knows.

Reckless and idealistic? Huh. I guess that makes him decent enough for a suicide mission, then.

What, was it two updates ago that we learned about the only law Omega has? Archangel decided a while back that he'd clean up Omega by getting a team together and fighting all the bad guys. Of course, though, he pissed off the three major mercenary bands on Omega, and now he's in some deep shit.

Archangel is literally the hero Omega needs, but not the hero it deserves right now.

Aria doesn't care one way if he lives or dies, but Shepard does, so Aria points him to a freelancer mercenary recruiting station. Shepard can go, pretend to freelance, then infiltrate the whole operation and bust Archangel out.

Seems legit, let's go talk to the recruiter.

You get an extra bit of dialogue if you were smart enough to play as girl Shepard.

Not actually sure why you all follow this blog at this point.

So Team Shepard takes a cab to where the mercs are gathering to take on Archangel. Here, have a map, shit will make more sense:

So, Archangel has holed himself up in a building. He leans out a window and snipes mercs, and he's good at it, too. There's only two ways into the building: the basement and the bridge, and the basement's blocked off. The merc bands are hoping to funnel zillions upon zillions of freelancers over the bridge to either tire Archangel out or see if they can actually break through by sheer numbers.

They've tried other means, too. They even sent a gunship after the guy, but he managed to disable it!

Okay, so, huh. Reckless, idealistic, good with snipers, damn near genius at technology.

The Merry Band of Shepards are instructed to find Sargent Cafka, but first, they wind up talking to the leaders of the three major merc bands.

You can understand the damn plot just find if you only know that 'there are merc bands'. Hell, that's all I knew about anything before I had to go back through this for MSPixel. Let's go through them, though, just because there's going to be one obsessive weirdo who'll get mad if I don't tell you how to differentiate Eclipse from Blood Pack.

The first group you meet up with is the Eclipse.

That's the Eclipse leader Jaroth, there. The Eclipse are mostly salarian guys with bumblebee looking armor.

I have written in my notes that the leader of the Blood Pack is turian, but the wiki entry has them as krogan and vorcha, which makes more sense. You know, politically. Why the hell would krogans and turians work together? Krogans are still bitter over that whole 'genophage' thing. So I don't know, enjoy the random turian there.

When you go see the leader of the Blue Suns, their leader is all tore up about shit, so you have to go see the second in command instead.

I'm pretty sure the Blue Suns are the biggest (remember them from last entry?) and employ all the aliens.

Hmm. Idealistic reckless sniper good with technology lady killer. Shit, is Archangel the same person as Shepard? I feel like I've met the sumbitch.

Anyway, let us now attend to Sargent Cafka. He's off working on a mech!

You actually have the opportunity to electrocute him and disable the mech, but I can't. Paragon fo lyfe.

So, Shepard and the freelancers start over the bridge. What does Shepard do?

Instantly blow our fucking cover. You tried, honey, you tried.

Shepard kills the freelancers and works her way right up to Archangel.

If you haven't played this mission, I'm serious, last chance! Do NOT go on!

Good! I'm kind of looking forward to meeting our turian idealistic reckless sniper good with technology lady killer friend here.

I'm not playing, that is actually factually yes indeed Garrus Vakarian.

But you all FUCKING KNEW THAT because everyone reading at this point has played the mission! Right? Jesus I hope none of you were stupid shits and spoiled yourself.

Damn, though, Garrus watched Shepard die. That must be quite a shock to the system! Don't you think he'd ask how she came back, or what it was like to be dead, or did she really die, or ... ?

Nope.

They just flirt shamelessly instead.

Children, this is Mass Effect, a story in which we must always take the horniest path through everything. That dialogue about Garrus ~shooting~ Shepard isn't a metaphor at all. Not in the slightest.

fucking horny ass game

NEXT TIME: Maybe we'll find Tali under the next helmet!

The Scientist Salarian

Good morning. Let us all now to the Omega slums, which as we may remember from last time, were ate the fuck up with some weird plague.

It's been a good long while since I've gotten to draw a decent turian, too! This Cerberus shit is no fun, I hope we get some decent aliens soon.

The plague doesn't affect humans, if you'll remember. But still, none shall pass the turian guard.

I'm trying to think of where the 'oh hey you're the hero that's rad walk right the fuck on through' trope got started. I'm thinking Square might have been the culprit on that one. Was that in Final Fantasy 1? I only played part of that game, but it's really kind of fun if you play the GBA version and name everybody after your friends.

I named the white mage after me and let her lead the party because apparently I don't know how to have an RPG without a lady with orange hair as the lead.

That's not true, my Warden was a brunette.

You know, now that I think of it, why the hell can the plague affect quarians and turians? The game makes a Big Thing about quarians and turians having a different chirality from the rest of the galaxy. Their DNA is dextro based instead of levo based like humans, asari, krogan, hanar, whatever else you can name. You'll hear various NPCs make jokes about how one can't eat the other's food. You'd think, then, that a creature with a totally different DNA structure couldn't get sick off the same bacteria ... virus ... whatever this stuff is that the rest of the galaxy could? But they can. I guess.

Obviously they're getting sick because of mass effects.

There's some mercenary units patrolling the area, which makes perfect sense because they're all fucking turians and batarians and will keel over and die from the damn plague. What? Maybe the mercs should have sent half of their troops in, since turians are dextro DNA and can't get sick off the same stuff that batarians OH WAIT SORRY ABOUT THAT.

You guys, I'm having a hard time doing science today. Apparently.

Oh, and also? The other aliens think the humans did it. I guess that makes sense, in its own way, but the thing is, humans didn't. Wait. Did they? If they did, no one told Shepard, I guess.

So then, let us attend to the strange case of Mordin, in his slums in the middle of the clinic.

Dr. Solus, who prefers to be called Mordin, speaks in a very quick and stilted manner. Please don't think this is some kind of poor English joke, mofo actually sounds like that.

Whoa, hey, there's a thought! The collectors! They could just sweep in and overtake Omega if they kill all the other guys first! Then they could abduct the humans and do ... the ... uh ... whatever the hell is they're doing with them. That shit.

Man, to develop a plague on their own, they must be pretty bright guys. Hmm.

Mordin has a plague cure! Hooray! But he can't leave his clinic because of all the dying people! Less hooray! Luckily, Shepard's quite mobile, so Mordin asks her to deliver it. If Shepard can get the cure circulating throughout the station, then everyone gets exposed to the cure and ... well, we all get cured. Exeunt and florish.

Mordin gives you a bunch of things, like a canister filled with plague cure, and --

Every Mass Effect nerd? Every REALLY big Mass Effect nerd? Is fucking bawling right now.

Don't a one of you spoil it.

So, Shepard and crew go off to install the cure. But they come across an area guarded by vorcha.

I'm pretty sure vorcha aren't even in Mass Effect 1. They're pink looking and less evolved aliens that scream everything they say.

You can probably take a wild swing as to why they don't have a seat on the Citadel Council.

The vorcha imply that the collectors may have planted the plague. Specifically, I think the line is "COLEKTORS WANT PLAYG". So hey, maybe Mordin's on to something.

Also my husband wants me to mention that the vorcha are named after something in Star Trek that has to do with Klingons because he is a huge fucking nerd.

So anyway, back to my blog where I MSPaint the entire Mass Effect series, Shepard guns down the vorcha and rolls up to the console where she has to install the cure.

Does that not look like a bright orange tardis? None of y'all get cute, now, I hate Dr. Who.

Luckily, EDI comes over the loud speaker (that's one of her AI super powers, just fucking coming over the comm system of anything) and helps us out.

Ha ha, really.

Seriously. Really. This is the plot we're doing right now, we're going to repair the air conditioner.

GRIPPING SCI FI ACTION.

Unfortunately, Shepard has to get through some vorcha first.

But once that's over with, we come to Omega's HVAC system. Hell yeah, I can't wait to unplug the system first so we can prevent electrical accidents! Ooo, gurl, gonna see how low them freeon levels are ...

God damn, almost makes you wish we were back checking email with Anderson instead of all this HEART POUNDING ADVENTURE.

Anyway, thus ends our tale of heating and cooling repair. Mordin agrees to sign on with the Normandy crew to study many things.

NEXT TIME: gonna fix a tripped circut

Welcome To Omega! Bienvenido a Omega!

There you are, a little Will Smith to start your day.

I love to imagine there's a lot of hyjinks that go on in the Normandy's kitchen.

All right, all these Cerberus folks all up on some schmoe named Dr. Modin Solus, so we probably need to get on that.

Brother Solus is on Omega, which isn't exactly the capital of the Terminus systems, but I don't see why it couldn't be. Omega is a mushroom shaped shit hole of a space station that looks like it was lifted directly out of Cowboy Bebop, which of course stole all its shit out of Blade Runner, which stole all of its shit out of Mass Effect. Wait. I'm either messed up or I have identified the mobius strip of science fiction.

Whatever, it all jacked everything straight from Kirk and pals anyway. Off to Omega!

The first thing anyone ought to do on Omega is walk about three steps forward and run square in to Zaeed. Yes, I'm getting side tracked from Dr. Solus, but this takes like two minutes.

You'll find Mr. Masani beating the shit out of a batarian.

Ha, batarians.

True story, in Mass Effect 1, you can pick Shepard's background, ie what she did before she was The Shep. I always pick 'war hero', the one where she got her rank and prestige by killing, like, ten million whole batarians with her bare hands. Not only does it make a little more sense in the context of the story (the other two have nothing to do with the military -- how the hell did she get hooked up to be the XO of the shiny new head of the Alliance fleet otherwise?), and boosts your paragon up, it adds to the rich tapestry of the fact that the batarians are the whipping boys of the Mass Effect universe.

Anyway, we do need to welcome Zaeed Masani to the stage. He's normally a DLC guy, but you get him free with a new copy of Mass Effect 2, and anyway, we're going to be doing most if not all of the DLC. Zaeed is a total rough and tumble badass who got his face blown off. Really. They had to sew it back on and stick a new eyeball in his eye socket. It's kind of a poor man's Lazarus project.

Zaeed, much like Saren, does not leave the room unless he leaves a body behind.

Anyway, that's the end of Zaeed's recruitment. No, really, it's that short: Shepard asks if he wants to join, he says yes, and then he shoots a batarian. Every mission should end in "and then he shoots a batarian".

Once in Omega, we're told that we should first go introduce ourselves to Aria. She's inside of a strip club called The Afterlife.

Y'all thought Chora's Den had some shit in it? Afterlife? Children. Afterlife.

The place is lined with asari strippers.

Actually, I missed drawing asari, I'm glad I'm back to it, even if it is an asari wrapped around a pole with a Power Girl style tit hole that only Shepard can fill.

Please none of y'all tell my mom about this blog.

Anyway, let us wipe the drool off our screens and go visit Aria, the de facto leader of Omega.

Everyone gonna stand back and let me nerd out a second.

Because damnit I LOVE Aria.

Seriously. She and Anderson are in close running for my favorite NPC. (Anderson would have made it, but he gets major points off for ... ahahhah, I'll more or less have to devote an entire entry to it, it is delicious.) But Aria, she's smart and powerful, which is a quality the game doesn't lend to a lot of asari. Liara gets there, but no, Aria starts out on top.

Also, she's probably the only asari that the game doesn't sexualize.

Don't say Liara. Don't you dare. She was supposed to be our barely legal ~blushing space waifu~ last game, remember?

I have to take notes for MSPixel while I play, and seriously, in my notebook, Aria's name is written in big letters with hearts and tildes all around it, like I'm twelve or some shit. I love Aria.

And PS, how rad is it that we get to Aria today, on all the days in Bioware history, when they announce this stuff that spoils ME3 so I can't say much more about it? Bioware must be paying attention to me! God I hope not! Hey, Bioware, I loved Jade Empire, please don't sue!

(Also, when they announced ME4? I was like OH YEY HOLY HELL THAT RULES wait fuck I'm going to be drawing this shit for the rest of my natural life)

But seriously, that DLC? It's like they specifically called me and asked what I wanted. Many squeefuls were had in this household.

Anyway, back to the fucking story, most people really don't like Aria, and I suspect it has to do with Aria's one law of Omega.

Which, really, it's not that hard a law to follow. Actually, there's a rumor that in that DLC, you -- you know what, I won't spoil it, but it's a Bioware game so you can probably do the math there.

Shepard asks Aria where Mordin is, she's pretty sure he's off in the Omega slums. But the slums are quarantined right now -- there's a plague about, see, and they're trying to let it die off.

But then, the plague doesn't affect humans, because, um, science, so maybe if Shepard looks at the guards with real sad eyes, she can get in? Worth a shot.

As Shepard leaves, Aria takes some time to toss Shepard a friendly reminder.

Ha, batarians.

This is going to go faster once I don't have to draw introductions to everything, hot damn. Hey, let's actually shoot something next time.

NEXT TIME: GRIPPING SCIENCE FICTION THRILLER ACTION about air conditioner repair