Friday, September 12, 2014

Priority Rannoch: I'm Bad At Video Games

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I accidentally triggered this conversation too early, and my dumb ass didn't write it down, so we're going off my memory. Raan's laying out our battle plans here.

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I seriously love the set up to this mission, because it's all like:

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I love it when we remember that Shepard is the big dumb coconut that we roll out when we need something dead.

Okay, so, Rannoch. We gon' end this shit.

For this mission, Tali is forced into the party. I brought Garrus for his mad tech skills. Legion tags along too, because it's kind of his plot line and all, but he doesn't get to come into the party.

Legion briefs you in the shuttle: Shepard and pals are going to go to the reaper base, paint the target, and get the fuck out of Dodge while the Normandy carpet bombs Rannoch. Legion is going to ... um ... you see ...

Legion is Team A, and will go to the holding area, where there is a television, and some cocoa. He will drink the cocoa and watch family programming while Shepard paints the target, I think.

... it's just so Bioware didn't have to stick him in the party.

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REALLY, Shepard? REALLY. FUCKING REALLY. Naw, they shot you up like fucking swiss cheese in Mass Effect 1, but no, God be with the little innocent baby fluffy angel geth.

I get so fucking tired of Mass Effect 3 trying to act like synthetic life is so pwecious and special and without sin, like none of us were fucking present during during Mass Effect 1.

And if you want me to yell more about people forgetting Mass Effect 1, tune in to the ending of Mass Effect 3! Let's land on Rannoch.

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I said Rannoch was pretty at night. It's kind of a hellhole during the day. It's almost like the robots took their chance to inhabit a planet and shat it down their leg because they have no respect for organic life! Wow, if they can't take care of a planet, we should totally trust them with the rest of the galaxy!

I know there's a canon explanation for why the quarians didn't just say "fuck it" and take another planet, but I can't remember it. There's like a billion, they could've found a nice one.

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... I think Tali's supposed to pick up a rock and hand it to Shepard, but in my game, it was a clump of air. I can see why maybe the Bioware Art Team spent more time on, say, reapers than a rock in a random cutscene.

Okay, so we've got to get into the reaper base before we can blow it the fuck up. Shepard's got to climb some stuff to get in.

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Mass Effect 3 will kindly show you a blue arrow whenever you can jump on stuff. It will not, however, reliably allow you to jump on said stuff.

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The game throws, like, a raw shit ton of geth at you. You know, those sugar baby angel geth that we're supposed to be saving, bwess their widdwe heads.

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Never mind bad art, I could realtalk make an entire blog on how fucking bad I am at video games.

Let's radio Legion.

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By the way, did you know Tali can hack primes?

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I think I've done it in multiplayer, but this might have been the first time I did it in single player, so that's rad.

Next time, let's paint the target, bomb the base, and go home! Nothing bad at all will happen!


  1. Nothing bad at all. Nothing like focusing while rolling, while focusing, while rolling. No, nothing like that.

  2. -nerd voice- Accctually the Geth had been maintaining the environment of the planet to keep things orderly and efficient the minute the Quarians left -nerd voice increases- and the quarians immune system has evolved to work in tandem with the planet, and would take hundreds of years rather than a few to get quarians to adapt to it~~~~~~ -coughs up a pair of glasses and 20 sided dice-