Sex Boatin'

AUGH you guys I had this all ready to go last night and my Internet died. Dead as a door nail. The power cycling, it did shit.

Husbando~ is pretty sure this is creepy, but I maintain that 1) it's true, 'cause they banged and shit, and 2) you'd have to be literally stupid to not know where Shepard sleeps if you're a Normandy crew member. She has an entire floor to herself.

Anyway, let's all go to sleep, and --

Hey, this looks familiar.

Let's go deeper into the forest.

Hey, that was the kid from Vancouver!

Shepard's not feeling so well, so she goes and cleans herself up a bit while Liara bugs the piss out of her.

Liara says we're getting a space skype call, so let's go see what that's about.

Well, hello to you too, Dalatross!

... which is our next destination, but we need to spend some time pissing around the Normandy. Some stuff has changed. Such as!

Ken and Gabby are back!

I still kind of hate Ken.

We also need to go down to the cargo bay.

That's a recording of Cortez's late husband, who was killed in a collector's attack. He had to talk Cortez into running when Cortez wanted to double back and rescue him.

Which thus raises the question,

That didn't make anyone nervous, that the shuttle driver sits and sobs in the cargo bay all day?

Really, I think Bioware wanted a quick way to make it clear that Cortez was gay and single. Also, I think this was literally the first idea they had. He couldn't be looking at dude pinups with Vega?

This scene gets real fucking weird with dude Shepard, because he's all,

Eww.

I Wrote Around That Scene, No Worries

So there's this reaper, and he's just chillaxin' --

Wait, we got all the hammers dropped, right? What's that do for us?

Oh, right! Sup, Kalross!

Reaper taken care of. Let's move on.

... so ...

I'll tell you a story. I was spoiled for this scene before the game came out. I usually don't mind spoilers ~that~ much? But what comes next is a massive spoiler that legit ruins the moment. Hi, I'm the only person on the Internet that didn't bawl their eyes out when they saw this cutscene.

I can't. I just can't. Besides, I promised when I started this, I'd avoid big spoilers, right? So what do we do?

We write the fuck around it, like so:

And so?

The genophage is cured, and everyone goes home safe and sound. As far as you know.

Hi, everyone! This happens in the game. This is the end of the scenario.

Aren't you all glad I didn't draw that.

Run To The Hammers

I think I remember this being the first line in one of the first trailers ever shown for Mass Effect 3.

Point being, we're looking at the shroud, we're about to cure the genophage, but first? We've got to catch a reaper. How do you do that, anyway?

Hahahahahaha shit.

Okay, fine, let's --

What follows is probably one of the most insane portion of video gaming you'll ever care to play. The only thing I can think of that's more nuts comes later in Mass Effect 3.

See, the reaper? He's totally not going to make this easy.

And how do we take care of reapers?

... nah, not this time. This time, your best bet is to run like hell.

See, because the reaper's going to try to step on you.

And also it shoots lazers.

And also it spits sharks.

Not really, but it might as well.

Please imagine this playing while we go after the hammers.

Finally, once both hammers are down:

NEXT TIME: Kalross!